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Parenting During Covid-19: Podcast Episode #96

Today we talk with Laine Lipsky, parenting coach, about some best practices for parenting during the COVID-19 pandemic.  She gives us all some great tips on how to manage stress and deal with out children no matter what age!  You can listen to this complete podcast episode on iTunes or SoundCloud.

Alyssa:  Hello and welcome to the Ask the Doulas Podcast.   My name is Alyssa Veneklase, and today I am talking to Laine Lipsky, a parenting coach.  How are you?

Laine:  Doing great.  How are you doing?

Alyssa:  Great!  So we kind of met online and talked, what was it, last week, and then just realized we have a lot to talk about and a lot of similar clients.  With my sleep stuff — we’re actually going to talk about sleep on a separate podcast, but that kind of is what got us started talking about your parenting, coaching with parents, and then thinking about how does that relate right now to this pandemic that we’re all, you know, going through together.  Myself included, we’re stuck at home with a kid, and I know personally, I think about my frustrations, but I forget that she’s also going through this.  I don’t want to forget about, how is she handling this and how do I best talk to her, and how do I maybe help with some of the frustrations that I’m having, which are normal and to be expected, but maybe I could find better ways to cope with those.  And then we got talking about the weather earlier, and the weather even affects all this.  So let’s just kind of — you know, I would love to hear some ideas that you have on best ways to parent our children right now.

Laine:  Yeah!  Well, let me first start by saying, I’m really glad to be here and having this conversation, and of course we met online, because how else are people going to be meeting these days, right?  Like, it’s classic.  But that — and I’m going through this, too, and my kids are older.  They’re 12 and 14, so there are different considerations, but I am in the same boat as everybody else, and I never pretend to be, you know, something that I’m not.  But they still need parenting, so no matter how old your kids are — and I think your clients have younger kids, typically — but just know that, you know, whatever parenting style you’re using now is training ground for as they’re getting older.  Whatever we practice when they’re younger becomes our habit as they grow older.  And what I see really from the parents who I talk to, and I’m just reaching out a lot these days and just trying to ask a lot of questions — you know, what are people struggling with?  I want to say that, in answer to your question, you know, the best way to parent, I wholeheartedly believe that there’s not one right way to parent.  There isn’t.  There’s great information out there, but there is a right way that’s going to feel right to you, Alyssa, right?  Something that’s going to feel right to me.  We may be working with the same body of information, but it’s going to sound different for you.  It’s going to look different in your family because your family system is different than mine and from everybody else.  We each have our unique thumbprint in our family, our unique voice, our unique soul-print, and our kids are all different.  Different ages, different temperaments.  So I really resist the idea that there is a best way or there’s one right way to parent.  What we do know is that there are, just like in medicine when they talk about best practices, there are definitely best practices that are supported by ample research and, you know, certainly in my world, supported by the clients who I work with and in my own experience by what I see with my own kids.  And there are just a few fundamental things.  Uusually when you cover the basics in a really healthy, thorough way, you’re kind of covering the essential ground, and I think the word essential is really — it’s just so fitting for this time, right?  Like, there’s essential business.  There’s essential — you know, what is — this question of “essential” keeps coming up, and so I think a really good place to start in figuring out the best way to parent is to ask.  And so I’ll throw the question back to you: what feels essential in your parenting?

Alyssa:  Right.  Right.  So, I mean, right now, I feel like we’ve got so much extra thrown at us.  I’m not a teacher, which I’ve never had to be a teacher before.  So right now, her education is essential.  But I also own a business, and that business is essential.  And I’m also a wife and maintaining that relationship when we’re both home together and can potentailly be driving each other nuts, right?  So I feel like there are a lot of essential aspects, but I also feel like the short temperedness of, you know, just I’m not meant to be home with a seven-year-old all day long, seven days a week.

Laine:  Certainly!  Certainly not while you’re also trying to run a business and also trying to do all the other things, right?  If you were locked in and homeschooling, yes, you would be meant to do that, right?

Alyssa:  Yeah, and I’d probably — yeah, I would have found a rhythm by now, and maybe that’s what it’s going to take is just, you know, maybe in another month, I’ll have a really good rhythm.  But yeah, I guess essential for me right now is the happiness of my family unit and keeping my relationship with my husband whole, as well as my daughter happy.  She’s seven and silly, and I’m just not as goofy as her classmates, and she’s got to get all these sillies out, but I’m in the middle of, you know, writing a sleep plan, and so her silliness is annoying to me.  It’s just this, you know, on and on.  And I feel like this is one small — and I have one daughter.  So families who have three, four, five children — like you say, there’s no one way to parent, and even within the same family unit, each child might have to be parented a little bit differently because of their temperament.  But, yeah, I think getting down to the core of what’s essential for your family and then going from there is really helpful.

Laine:  Yeah.  And I think what — a few things popped up for me as you were talking.  Number one, I think parents feel — loving parents like you, right, well-meaning, best-meaning — you want the best for your kids — fall into this parenting trap of, like, I just want my child to be happy.  Right?  And I call it a trap because what happens when we witness our kids experiencing unhappiness or some sort of discord is then that triggers us.  If we have this belief of, I just want my child to be happy, even if it’s unconcious, right, it filters into everything that we do, and when we witness them having some sort of difficulty or challenge, our instinct becomes to swoop in and, like, fix it and make them happy.  If we change that inner — and I’m all about self-talk and, you know, what is our intentionality in our parenting — I want you to be happy, too, but there’s a trap in saying that as the goal, to be happy.  If we find a different frame for that, a different word for that, a rebranding, if you will, right, of what we’re really after for our kids, it can take off a lot of pressure from us as parents.  So I’m not saying there is — what the replacement word is.  I can give you some examples or some ideas, and sometimes I can just see in parents, like, their shoulders go down a little bit, right?  One word that might be a little less loaded than “I just want my kid to be happy” is, “I want my child to learn how to be resilient.”  You know, how to bounce back from things.  So, for example, if we were to go with that word as the intention, then what happens is, when you’re seeing your child struggle, when you’re seeing your child have a difficult time, it’s not — the instinct doesn’t become, how do I swoop in and fix this to make her happy?  It’s, how do I sit with this and help guide her through an opportunity to become resilient.  Right?

Alyssa:  And that sounds like the perfect word right now because even as adults, we have to be resilient through this unknown for an unknown period of time.

Laine:  Totally.  And so how do we model resilience?  As your child gets older, it becomes — and I have lots of clients with kids who are older, and sometimes we start when their kids are older and, you know, I say, it doesn’t — it’s not a lost cause if your child’s already 12 or already 15.  It’s harder, but our brains are so plastic and our brains are resilient, naturally, that if we train in a different way, we will develop new habits.  It’s totally possible to teach old dogs new tricks when it comes to parenting.  It is.  So I’m a full believer in Pavlov’s psychology in that way and training.  Right?  I mean, it works.  So when you are — as your kids are getting older, it becomes more and more important for us as parents to be modeling for them what it looks like to be that thing that we want them to be because I guarantee you by the time your child is seven, maybe even younger — if you were to ask her in any particular moment, what am I going to say to you right now?  You’ve said that thing, whether it’s time for bed or it’s time to brush your teeth or it’s time to, whatever, get your shoes on — I guarantee you, she will know what you’re going to say, in 99% —

Alyssa:  Oh, she already does that to me.  Absolutely.  She’ll tell me before she asks a question — she already knows my response, so she’ll preface it with my response.

Laine:  I know you’re going to say no —

Alyssa:  Right, right.

Laine:  I know you’re going to say maybe, but I’m going to ask.  Right?  So, good.  That means you’ve been doing your job of being consistent and a consistent messenger.  Consistent salesperson of your values and where you stand.  So she knows where you stand.  That’s awesome.  Then what becomes a slow but steady and sometimes really challenging journey for parents is to just start modeling these things and to start shifting the focus back to ourselves, which is very counterintuitive because we spend so long so enmeshed with them.  Right?  Parenting is, like, the ultimate enmeshed relationship, slowly untangling so that we find the boundaries between us and them so that they’re actually seeing what we want them to be receiving.  Does that make sense?

Alyssa:  Yeah.  They can sense our anxiety and our nervousness and maybe our fears with what’s going on right now.  So I like that.  You know, take a step back and say, how am I going to react to this because I know she’s watching or they are watching.  They’re learning how to react by watching us react.

Laine:  Right.  And so another level to the answer of your question, how best to parent, would be, how are you parenting yourself right now?  What are the messages and all the things that go into it, right?  What’s your self-talk and how you’re handling your own stress?  What is your self-care?  These are the pillars of what I teach.  Right?  Self-talk and self-care; self-regulation.  Right?  And then having the outer skills to be actually helping your child navigate some of these things.  But if you’re just saying the things and you’re not doing the things that you know are going to be helpful, then it’s going to fall flat and will fall on deaf ears eventually.  So an example; let’s talk about your — you know, that you can’t be silly; you’re trying to work, right?  And she’s trying to be silly and it’s, like, probably annoying to you.  Right?  If we’re going to be honest.  And it gets frustrating because you’re trying to get stuff done, and you can’t feed that need that she has to be silly.  Right?  Well, what happens around that?  Right?  Let’s call that awareness building.  Like, do you start saying to yourself things like — a lot of — I’m not trying to, you know, coach you here necessarily —

Alyssa:  I’ll be an example.  It’s fine.

Laine:  — a lot of parents who will say things like, you know, well, that starts a whole series of self talk in my own head which is, like, I’m a bad mom or I can’t do this or I wasn’t cut out for this or, you know, oh, I just — things have to be different now, when they actually can’t be different, and it just sort of drives that negative thinking further and further into feeling solid, and it stops us from feeling fluid.  Right?  So — and it closes us down to what is possible.  I always ask, like, what is possible?  What’s possible for time that you can set aside to be silly.  If you’re not the silly mom, maybe that’s just not your thing.  That’s not your style of parenting.  So where can she get the sillies out?  Is it — you know, could she — then that’s a new conversation, right?  How do we address that need without putting the burden on ourselves and having to figure it out for them.  Oh, I see she’s got a need to be silly, so can she perform something?  Could she put on silly clothes?  Could she — the possibilities there are kind of endless, but what I’m trying to do, and I feel like my particular skill with parents, is to change the upfront question so that then we can open up different doors of possibility.  Right?  It’s not, like, how do I get her to be entertained.  It’s, like, how do I figure out how to meet that need or get that need met for her?  And I might not be the best person.  Maybe it’s — sometimes it’s the partner.  Sometimes it’s crafting or sometimes it’s a different outlet, but it doesn’t have to be you, and that’s one option.  Another option is could it be, or could you be open to that possibility of being, like, I don’t know, I’m not naturally the silly mom, but, like, I’m being called to this in this moment.  Could I, you know, put some boundaries around work and explain to her, you know, once I finish this — or maybe try to be silly first.  Maybe her silliness, her call, her invitation to be silly, will actually help your work.  What about that?  What if you — like, this is how I’m just — like, I get playful with this stuff.  Right?  Like, what if you were, like, I’m going to — like, I’m going to really commit to being silly here, and I know it’s, like, for us intellects, it’s like, okay, I have to, like, decide how to be silly.  I’m going to make a plan for being silly —

Alyssa:  I have to schedule it in my day.  Silliness at 2:00.

Laine:  I need to put on the silly makeup; I’ve got to find the — okay.  So you do that thing.  You get silly.  You have a frame around it, so 20 minutes.  I’ve got 20 minutes.  Let’s be super silly.  And you just, with reckless abandon, get silly, and you hold a boundary at the end of it, and there’s an end to it.  Maybe you film it.  Maybe she watches it on the replay.  You know, there are lots of options there.  And then I’d be curious — this is genuine curiosity — I’d be curious how your work was then informed by that.

Alyssa:  Yeah, it’s a great idea.

Laine:  What lightness would be brough to it?  What fun — what more fun would you bringing to work, and how would that manifest itself in the outcome of your work itself?  How much more fun would you have working if you just had, like, a half-hour playtime beforehand?

Alyssa:  And it truly — that’s all it takes.  Twenty to thirty minutes is a lifetime to kids.  You know, they don’t know if 20 minutes is any different than 2 hours.  I mean, granted, she’d love to hold me — hold my attention for 2 hours, but, yeah, 20 minutes —

Laine:  Held hostage!

Alyssa:  Yeah.

Laine:  I hear that a lot.

Alyssa:  Close to it.

Laine:  Well, better for her to hold your attention or hold you hostage in a positive way than having her hold you hostage in a negative way, because unfortunately, that’s what ends up happening with a lot of parents is they don’t dive in fully with both feet for the 20 minutes, and then for the — instead, what they get for the rest of their day is their child or their kids clamoring for their attention in negative ways.  And kids are going to — I worked with kids for years before I started working with parents.  I know this one for sure: that if kids don’t get it in a positive way, they’re going to seek it in any way they can, and at the end of the day, they don’t care how they get your full attention.  So they’re going to do whatever it takes to get it, and if that means that the only time that you — and I say “you” as a universal you, not you, Alyssa, but you — the only time you put down your phone and you look at them is because you’re so mad and you’re so frustrated that that’s the only time you are making full eye contact with them, putting your full attention on them — I guarantee you, that is going to feed their association with, “this is how I get Mommy or Daddy’s full attention.”  Does that make sense?

Alyssa:  Yeah.  It does.  So for a parent with four children, that just means they might need to take some time, you know, depending on the age of the children, I would imagine — you know, 20 minutes each?  Or maybe if there are two that are similar ages, you give 20 to 30 minutes to those two at the same time, but that just maybe takes a little bit more planning for somebody with more children to try to give them some dedicated time each day?

Laine:  Yeah, and so it’s — this is a really unique time to be figuring all this out, and I kind of get resistant about being, like, “schedule this, then schedule that and schedule that,” and I’m really more of a fan of having rhythms in the day.  So, like, sort of a play time, and then there’s a down time, and then there’s a, you know, an alone time, and then there’s a together time.  But figuring out what rhythms.  Some kids want to be alone in the morning.  Some kids want to be alone later in the day.  You really have to know your kid.  When it comes to having multiples, so let’s just say you’ve got two, three, or four kids.  Right?  I mean, but — or twins.  I said multiples, so it could be twins, too.  I have found that it’s easiest for parents to think about spending, like — dividing and conquering in one of two ways, either going by age — so you take the two olders and do something that’s sort of that age-appropriate, or you take the two youngers and you do something that’s sort of age-appropriate for them.  Right?  That’s usually how people do it.  But another way to think about it is to take them, if you can, by temperament.  So if you’ve got two kids who are really high-energy — could be an older one and a younger — if you have four, could be your oldest and your youngest, but they’re both super high energy — it might be easier on the parents to take them as a pair, and if your middle two are quieter and more sedentary, to pair it that way.

Alyssa:  Yeah.  That’s a great idea.

Laine:  So a lot of different ways to — I call it just dividing and conquering, and tag-teaming.  If you have — if you have a partner and the schedules are aligned and you can make it happen, you know, a lot of us feel guilty when we don’t have this perfect notion of, like, everybody’s spending family time together.  Family time doesn’t have to be everybody all together doing the same thing in the same place.  Family time can be very, very well spent separating, tag-teaming, I call it; dividing and conquering, whatever, doing your own thing; doing what feels best to each pairing; having the parents flip around from time to time is a good idea, too; mixing it up, and then all coming together, and then suddenly you find you’re sitting at dinner, and you’ve got more stuff to talk about, you know?  Even if the afternoon playtime session is, say, you know, 20 minutes, and one parent takes two, and the other parent takes two, and you watch something different, or you’re doing a different puzzle.  At least there’s been a different kind of experience and you’re not all in the same experience at the same time, because then there quickly becomes nothing to really — nothing novel to spark the conversation or to keep the energy new.

Alyssa:  Yeah.  I like that.

Laine:  It’s like the same people at the party.  Same people at the party all night long.  It’s fun when new people arrive.

Alyssa:  Yeah.  You can talk about what the other group did, and then you’re not — you can actually enjoy the time in segments together but apart because you’re not constantly trying to round and wrangle this one kid who doesn’t want to do the puzzle, who wants to play outside and just becomes this chaotic — more of a hassle.

Laine:  Yeah, and I think that anytime we can look at getting back to this idea of “essential” and what is best parenting, right?  What is really — like, what is the value that you hold?  So — and then sort of letting go of how that has to be, how that has to happen.  Going more after the what and letting go of the how.  So one example: a client of mine, she’s like, “I just want to have family meals together,” and her kids were older, and she was so upset that, you know, they’re — one child had this, you know, violin practice after school, and another child had team practice in the evenings, and she had things going, and they weren’t having dinner together, and she was so upset about it.  But she was missing out on the fact that every morning, her family was having breakfast together.  And I was like, where — like, the idea of having a meal together once a day — why does it have to be dinner?  Let’s let go of the how, right, and let’s look at the what.  And she was, like, oh!  We have a meal together every day!  But nothing changed in her reality.  It was just looking at it differently.  She was, like, oh, dinner is our sort of chaotic — you know, she started calling it the dinner dance, and she was, like, we’re doing the — and just everything lightened up around it, and before that, she was just feeling so, so heavy about it.  And sometimes all it takes is, like, a reframe and a perspective shift about what’s going on.  So getting back to what is really essential; what is your value, and where are you getting that?  And, you know, I’m not somebody who, like, sprinkles sunshine all over the place, but I do believe in looking at what is really going on and what is working as a starting point and moving from there to, okay, what do we need to tweak, because sometimes if you go into something, this just isn’t working, it’s like you miss out on the pieces that are working.  You think you need a total overhaul when in fact you don’t.  You might just need a few tweaks.

Alyssa:  Right.  So we talked a little bit before about weather — because we’re on opposite ends on the country and how weather can play, and you’ve lived all over, you know, and we — I was telling you that we just had one of our most beautiful weekends in Michigan in a long time, and it’s spring and gorgeous, and it’s been so cold that everyone was so happy to get outside, whereas you have kind of beautiful weather all the time.  So it’s like you take it for granted and these little things.  People are like, oh, my gosh, it’s raining.  Will we ever see the sun again?  And you’re like, yep, tomorrow.  We’ll see the sun tomorrow.  But weather plays a huge factor in our mental health.  You know, when we have a week straight of dreariness, it is really hard, and then tack on quarantine with that, right; we can’t go outside.  It’s too cold; it’s raining; it’s muddy.  Now you’re stuck inside and you’re not getting vitamin D, and you just feel it; you feel it in your core.  It’s almost like this heaviness just sets in.  But the sun, you know; the sun seems to relieve it for us in Michigan, anyway.

Laine:  Yeah.  Yeah, I think that’s a really real thing, and, you know, another way to — I spoke to somebody — I have lots of family — I’m from New York City, so I have lots of family back east, too, and sometimes — at least, this was a week ago — maybe two weeks ago, so things change, you know, as we’re going through this.  It’s like what felt okay two weeks ago might not feel good now or feel okay now, but at least what they were saying two weeks ago was, well, when it’s raining, at least I’d be inside anyway. You know, when it’s crappy out, at least I’d be inside anyway, so there’s not this pull to go outside to be rained in.  I think that — look, I don’t have, like, a magic answer for that.  I think the more anybody can get outside, the better.  I think that, you know, that’s just science.  That’s not me even talking.  What I also know about our own well-being: getting our kids outside and getting fresh air — they don’t care if they’re cold.  If you bundle them up — you know, my brother lives in Seattle, and he’s a big fan of saying, there’s no such thing as bad weather, just bad gear.

Alyssa:  True!

Laine:  You know, so you bundle up properly; you get the right rain gear on, you know.  I went on a — I did a 30-day mountaineering course a long time ago in a mountain range in Wyoming, and, you know, we were suited up for whatever came.  So, you know, we did whatever we did, whether it was raining or snowing or, you know, whatever.  So I believe in that, too.  And, you know, so I think bundling them up and getting them outside — you may not want to be out in it.  I totally get that, but let them go out; let them breathe some fresh air.  For the adults, there’s lot of science around this concept of getting some benefit, some of the same benefit you would get if you were to go outside by just looking outside.  So if you position yourself near a window, if you have a view — you know, I know people like my family in New York City, sometimes the view is a brick wall.  Like, that might not feel so good.  But watching a nature video is not the best, but it’s better than nothing.  You know, there’s a reason why they play a lot of those nature videos in waiting rooms and doctors office, right, to just, like, have people chill and relax.  Listening to nature sounds on your, you know, your radio station or your Alexa or whatever you’ve got going on in your house and just having that as the backdrop for your home can be a very soothing thing to do.  And, again, it’s not — I’m not saying that will solve the issue, but it’s better than nothing.

Alyssa:  Well, I think this is really helpful stuff.  Is there anything else that, you know, just a parent right now going through this, that you would love for them to hear or know, and then tell them how to get ahold of you, too.  I mean, even though we’re on opposite ends of the country, I feel like virtual support is just kind of the thing right now, so we can support people anywhere.

Laine:  For sure.  And I have an online course designed for just that.  Yeah, I think what I want to tell parents is to remember that you’re not alone, and as trite or as cheesy as that may sound right now, it’s really important to remember to universalize what you’re going through and just pay attention to how you’re talking to yourself, what you’re saying to yourself, because that’s the stuff that will sink in and eventually will come out at your kids.  So just keep your self-talk top of mind.  Right?  Be really, really aware of what you’re saying to yourself.  So, you know, I’m going to just practice self-compassion; kindness.  You know, make sure you’re doing your best to talk to yourself the way you would talk to a really good friend or the way you’d want a good friend to talk to you, and if that’s a totally foreign concept to you, that is a practice that can be learned.  It’s something that I teach.  And as far as getting in touch with me, you can visit my website, and I’ve got a free course there.  People can watch that and certainly get a lot of great information about discipline without breaking their child’s spirit and without losing their own mind, which I think is essential right now.  And if anybody listening to this knows — I just want to give a special shoutout to people who are, like, yeah, I know parenting is hard, but, like, my situation, it’s, like, really hard.  Like, they’re really struggling.  Then I just invite you to book a free call with me.  And that’s a free session, and I’m happy to have a conversation, a parenting conversation, and see how I can help people.  Happy to do it.

Alyssa:  Well, thank you so much for joining!  We will have another podcast after this.  We’re going to talk about sleep and parenting.

Laine:  Awesome.  Sounds great.  Can’t wait!

Alyssa:  Thanks for listening, everybody!

 

Parenting During Covid-19: Podcast Episode #96 Read More »

A new mom and dad pose in a hospital room with their newborn baby

Virtual Birth Support: Podcast Episode #95

Sam & Justin recently had their baby boy, Judah, in the hospital in the midst of the COVID-19 pandemic.  They describe their experience in the hospital as well as how beneficial birth doula support was throughout pregnancy and then during labor and delivery, even though support was virtual instead of in-person.  You can listen to this complete podcast on iTunes or SoundCloud.

 

Alyssa:   Hi, welcomes to the Ask the Doulas Podcast.  I am Alyssa Veneklase, co-owner of Gold Coast, and today I’m talking to Samantha and Justin, who recently had a baby at a hospital in this midst of this Coronavirus pandemic.  We’re going to talk to you about what that was like.  Gold Coast is not attending births after Governor Whitmer’s declaration that we have to stay at home, and we don’t know when the order will be lifted.  So we kind of just wanted to get a sense of what it was like for you two to go through this whole process.  How far along were you when you hired us?

Samantha:  Pretty early when we found out.  We knew when we were trying to get pregnant that having a doula was something that was really important to us, as well as a midwife and just trying to go that more natural route.  So the minute we found out we were pregnant, it was kind of getting things in plan.  So I would say after the first trimester after we kind of told everybody.

Alyssa:  So you hired pretty early, and that was before all this crazy virus stuff happened.  And you worked with Kristin and Ashley as your birth doula team.  Even before all this stuff happened, what did support look like through the majority of your pregnancy?

Samantha:  It was wonderful.  Being a first time mom, obviously, you have a ton of questions, and I just didn’t want to be the person to be blowing up my midwife all the time, plus it’s hard to get ahold of them.  Our midwife was through Spectrum, so obviously you can’t just pick up the phone and call her.  It’s not as easy.  So being able to have a team of doulas that, any question I had from — I had artisan cheese one day and freaked out thinking I did something wrong.  So to be able to text them things like that and just have that reassurance all the time was awesome, as well as after every appointment, they wanted updates on what’s going on with baby, so it was just that extra support and knowing that they’re there no matter how stupid the question was.

Alyssa:  Well, and as a first time mom, I think we feel like all of our questions are stupid.  Oh, I hear the baby!  Hi, Judah!  So, yeah, obviously, because of this, we’re on speakerphone, and they’re at home and I’m at my home because nobody can go into work.  You guys are quarantined at home with the baby, which is probably kind of a blessing in disguise, maybe.  You can actually kind of hunker down and just focus on bonding and feeding and all these great things without visitors.  But like you said, Grandma comes over and she can’t see the baby!  That’s so hard.

Justin:  It’s been a blessing for dads, I think, especially because I would have had to go back to work today.  I am working, but it’s from home and it’s slower, and I’ve got some time to help support Sam and build my relationship with Judah, too, so it’s kind of a blessing in disguise for — I mean, it sucks, but it’s been nice.

Samantha:  And as a new mom, you’re hunkered down.  I mean, I was planning on not leaving my house for a month, anyway, so it’s kind of nice, especially during this quarantine time, because you’re quarantined anyway with a newborn, so it gives you something to do and keep occupied with.

Alyssa:  Right.  Well, and focus on the positive, right?  Like, there’s so many negatives that we can be focusing on, but you’re stuck at home with a newborn baby.  Boohoo, right?  This is what you’ve been looking forward to for nine months!

Samantha:  Exactly, exactly.

Alyssa:  So your support during pregnancy really would have been the same, Coronavirus or not, because it’s a lot of text and phone calls and emails, right?  It’s all virtual, anyway?

Samantha:  Yeah.  Yeah, that wouldn’t have changed, and like I said, they were available pretty much 24/7, so it was just nice to always have them in our back pocket when we needed them.

Alyssa:  Right.  Tell me about the labor, then.  What happened when you were at home, and how did that support, the actual virtual support after finding out that your doulas can’t support you in person, how did virtual support look then once labor began?

Samantha:  So we came up with a plan that we would utilize anything that we needed.  If we needed to do a video chat, we had my laptop ready to go to bring to the hospital.  But once labor started, we kind of — before I went into labor, we talked over, you know, what are the signs, when we should contact them, how long I wanted to labor at home; all that stuff that we would have done anyway if it was just normal circumstances.  So when I went into labor, it was the middle of the night, of course, and we texted both of them and ended up calling Kristin.  She was the one who answered, and we told her how far apart the contractions were.  She could hear, you know, how I sounded and could tell that they were ramping up.  You know, you can just — moms — everybody says moms have the telltale sign of when contractions aren’t a joke anymore.  So, yeah, she said, yep, sounds like you’re really getting in the swing of labor.  She told me to get something to eat before I went to the hospital and kind of gave us some tips before we — as Justin was packing the bag and getting our bags in the car, some tips I could do before we headed out the door.  And so we did that and then headed to the hospital, and from the moment we got there in triage, I had a couple — well, of course, birth is always unexpected, but I had a couple things come up that I wasn’t expecting to happen.  So from the moment we were in triage, we were in constant contact with Kristin and Ashley, whether it was me or — it was actually mostly Justin.

Justin:  Yeah.  I actually took — like, I would step out of the room a few times just to call her.  There was just a couple moments there when we were down in triage where she was uncomfortable, and the room is a little small.  It was hard to get into that calm state of mind that we were looking for.  So without trying to stress Sam out, I stepped out of the room and just called Kristin.  I was, like,  hey, you know, what are some things I could try to, you know, bring her back into this calm state of mind that we’ve been working on forever.  It was great.  She gave us some positions to try, some things to talk to the nurses about.  Like, she knew there was a tub down in the triage area, so she said to go ask them to use the tub.  So it was good to have them just there — just any questions we had, just to call real quick.

Samantha:  Yeah.  And we had a couple unexpected things, because I wanted to labor naturally, but we had some issues.  I had a LEEP procedure a couple months ago.  Well, not a couple months ago; about a year ago, but that caused some scar tissue that made my labor really difficult.  So we had to have the conversation of having an epidural because my labor was so erratic and my body was under a lot of stress.  So that decision we talked over with the doulas.  And then having Pitocin brought in, which was also something that was on our “absolute no” list, but it was nice to be able to call Kristin.  Spectrum was wonderful, too.  I mean, the nurses and midwives were great as far as giving us all the information we needed and then giving us time to talk it over.  But having Kristin there to be able to call and say, here’s what they’re telling us, here’s what we’re thinking — to have that reassurance from them was huge, especially because our birth plan changed so much, and it was upsetting for me, especially.

Alyssa:  Right.  That’s hard when we get into this mindset of, like, here’s my plan and I’m going to stick to it, and baby or your body says otherwise.  To have an expert to ask those questions and give feedback that’s not — and I think that’s one thing a lot of people thing, that doulas are there to tell you what to do.  It’s more about asking you the right questions so you can figure out what’s right for you.

Justin:  Just having that — just having that information so that we can make our own decision.  Just having them giving us all the proper information we knew everything that was at stake and we could make a better, informed decision.  It was a huge help.

Alyssa:  Right.  Knowledge is power in this instance, for sure.

Samantha:  Yeah, and even the positions.  Once I did get the epidural and Pitocin, we still wanted to do a really low dose of Pitocin to try to have my body naturally ramp up contractions, so Ashley and Kristin sent us a bunch of pictures of positions we could try.  They were always available for Facetiming and virtual, as well, but we never needed to.  But to have that in the back pocket was comforting, as well, that if we needed to virtually see them face to face, knowing that we could do that was very comforting for me, especially.

Alyssa:  So once you actually moved from triage to the labor and delivery room, you said you didn’t actually have to use Facetime or anything.  Was it more of you, Justin, were in contact with them because Sam was in active labor?

Justin:  Yeah.  It was a lot of text messages and a few phone calls.  If it was something we wanted to all talk out together, we’d call, or if it was just a quick question, I’d just shoot them a message real quick.

Samantha:  And I definitely think if I didn’t need — if I wouldn’t have had the epidural, we definitely would have utilized Ashley and utilized some of our HypnoBirthing techniques to help me get through labor and probably would have used virtual face to face more, but just because things moved so fast as far as me needing some intervention, it again changed our plan as far as utilizing the doulas a little bit differently.  But, yeah, it was constant contact throughout the whole labor process, and it was actually nice after I did get the epidural.  I was able to then talk to them and tell them what’s going on and what kind of positions I can try and different things like that.  So the plan changed a little bit, but staying in constant contact with them didn’t.  It was pretty consistent throughout the whole labor process.

Alyssa:  And what about when you got to the point where you were ready to push?  Was there anything they could do to support you during that time?

Samantha:  Well, we planned on having them Facetime for that, but my pushing went very quickly.  I only pushed for about 30 minutes, and we didn’t even — when we started, it was — we texted them saying, oh, they want us to do some practice pushes, and 30 minutes later, we were messaging them saying, well, baby’s here!  So, yeah, we had the whole plan set up for them to help — especially because I had an epidural, they were really going to help me try to breathe baby down, which is what we ended up doing, but to have them face to face so they could see what was going on.  But it just ended up happening so fast that we weren’t able to do that.  But after baby came, we were in contact with them, telling them his birth weight and all that stuff, and once we got up to the room, letting them know how latching was going as far as breastfeeding.  So it was just the best experience possible, especially because I was so devastated, you know, being nine months pregnant and all this emotional — that’s emotional in itself, and then to find out your birth plan is completely blown to smithereens…

Justin:  Two weeks before we even go to the hospital.

Samantha:  Yeah, two weeks before the hospital.  It was just terrifying, but to have them there in that virtual sense was everything because it would have been a very different experience if we weren’t able to have them at all, that’s for sure.

Alyssa:  So let’s say a couple just found out they’re pregnant, and they knew they wanted a doula, like you, but then they have this worry.  They’re going to do the hospital birth; they want a doula, but the doula may or may not be able to be there.  What would you say to a family who’s kind of on the fence about hiring a doula because of the current situation?

Samantha:  I would say, hire.  Hire a doula because, yeah, the situation has changed, but I think even more in this time, you need that extra support more than ever, especially because, in my circumstance, my midwife wasn’t even able to be there.  I had a totally different team because of the way they split up her team, so not only is your birth plan changed, but then my midwife who I’ve been seeing for the last nine months wasn’t able to be there.  So just to have that team, that constant contact, still stay the same even though they’re not there in person, was just a huge comfort and relief for me.  And especially for Justin.

Justin:  I was going to say, for the fathers-to-be out there, I think it’s even more important for them.  We went through a lot of the classes and stuff, and we had good knowledge going in, but you get in the heat of the situation, and you know, her surges and contractions were starting to really hurt her, and I didn’t know what to do in that situation.  So we had this whole plan, and I was doing my best to stick to this plan, and when you get thrown that curve ball, having someone to turn to and just get that reassurance.  I might have made the right decision in that situation, but just to have them say, “Yeah, you did,” or, you know, this is — “Yeah, you did do a good job there.  This is what’s going to happen.  Here’s the outcome.”  Just having that extra sense of security in this very unsecure time is a huge benefit.  Even though they’re not there, it was almost like they were, and it was very helpful, especially for the dads that sometimes might feel a little lost.

Alyssa:  Right, which usually, most of them, I feel like, they do probably feel a little bit lost.

Justin:  Especially the first time.

Samantha:  Yeah, and it takes the pressure off, too, you know, just because I’m telling him one thing, and he’s trying to say, you know, it’s going to be okay, but for him to then reach out to the doulas and say, you know, here’s what’s going on, and for them to not only give me reassurance but him was a game changer, for sure.

Alyssa:  And like you said, you’ve built a rapport with them throughout your pregnancy.  I didn’t know that your midwife couldn’t be there either!  So without your doulas, you would have not had your midwife either, and you would have literally been in a hospital with a bunch of nurses who you’ve never met, and that was it.

Justin:  Right.  Exactly.

Samantha:  And thankfully, we had an amazing team.  Our nurses and midwives that we ended up getting were amazing.  But also, you’re going — it’s your first time.  You’re laboring.  It’s new.  And then you have a whole bunch of strangers, so you’re throwing that mix in it.  So having the doulas there that we’ve had throughout the whole pregnancy, virtually, even though they couldn’t be there, was such a comfort because it just — you had somebody to turn to that you know.

Justin:  One more thing, too, is the hospital — I don’t know about other hospitals in the area, but Spectrum — it was like a fortress.  It was so clean and locked down in there.  We kind of forgot this whole thing we even going on until we left.  I mean, I went down in the cafeteria a few times, and every time I went down there, a whole different section was being completely pulled out and cleaned.  There was no visitors walking around.  There was no one walking around.  I mean, it really did feel like a fortress.  Even getting into the building, we had to go through a couple security checkpoints, so if anyone was worried about the hospital part of it, I think that especially Spectrum, that I know of, I think they’re doing a very good job of keeping everything separated, and the sections of the hospital that need to be cleaned and all that.

Alyssa:  That’s a good point.  For those who maybe have that as a main point of fear for them, delivering in the hospital, they’re doing everything right.  I mean, they obviously want to keep their patients safe and healthy.  It’s got to be weird to walk through that hospital and hardly see anybody because there’s no visitors.

Samantha:  It was weird pulling up because they have the whole security detail, and it was, like, “Why are you here?  What’s going on?”  It was very weird, but like Justin said, it ended up — I almost was sad to leave, just because you’re in this clean, sterile bubble, and like I said, we almost forgot about this whole Corona thing because you’re in — you are — you end up being in the bliss of having your baby, even though it’s such a scary time.  But having — you know, right after he was born, we talked with Ashley and Kristin, and then it was just kind of that blissful — we went up to the room, and they’re doing a very good job.  Obviously, things change, but I think they have it pretty locked down.

Alyssa:  That’s great.

Justin:  They’re definitely out in front of it.

Alyssa:  So then you guys go home, and usually, they do a postpartum visit, but I’m assuming they did that virtually, as well.

Samantha:  Yes.

Alyssa:  Did you have that already?

Samantha:  We did.  From the moment we got home, too, we were in constant contact with them, from them asking how he was sleeping.  I had a couple questions just as far as my recovery and what I could do for comfort as far as that goes, just because as a new mom, you just don’t really expect the discomfort.  I kept thinking, you know, I didn’t have stitches or anything like that, so I thought, oh, I’m going to be good, but you don’t realize what you’ve put your body through.  So it was just nice to have them there so I could say, I’m feeling — you know, what can I do about this pressure that I’m feeling?  I’m having some pain and discomfort here.  To have that support on the postpartum aspect, because, you know, this whole time leading up to the birth, you’re thinking pregnancy and delivery and labor and all that, but postpartum support is also huge, and they really, really helped with that, giving me ideas and tips of helping my milk supply come in.  It was just — they’ve been wonderful.  And we just had our virtual visit with them face to face, and that was great to be able to see them.  They could see the baby.  And then to tell them the birth story, since they weren’t there — I mean, they were there, but they weren’t.

Alyssa:  They got bits and pieces but finally got to hear the whole thing.  That’s great.  Well, is there anything else that you wanted to add or that you think other parents should know?

Samantha:  I just think if you’re on the fence, I mean, nothing — I had this whole — I thought I planned for even the most unexpected in pregnancy, and I definitely didn’t because pregnancy can change in an instant.  But I think that’s why even more now in these times to have that extra support and to have a doula because we plan on having another child, and I’ve already said to them — I said, well, hopefully you guys will be there in person for our next baby!  But I couldn’t imagine going through labor and birth and even through pregnancy and postpartum without having a doula and support, and I think Justin feels the same way.

Justin:  Absolutely.

Samantha:  It’s like having your best friends to be able to talk to, and it’s such a comfort, especially —

Justin:  But a best friend who’s also very knowledgeable!

Alyssa:  Your best friend who’s knowledgeable and judgment-free and can give you all the best support.

Samantha:  Yeah.  And especially because my birth plan changed so much in the sense of having to have interventions, which I didn’t think I was going to, so that was even more unexpected, and to be able to — you know, you’re in the rush of the moment, and I was really upset, and, you know, you get down on yourself as a new mom thinking you’re failing in some aspect.  To be able to have them — obviously, Justin can sit there and tell me all day that I’m doing the right thing, but to have somebody else who’s not only gone through that experience but seen other women and giving me advice and telling me what I’m doing and the decisions I’m making are right for me and my baby was such a relief and such a comfort because it’s such an emotional time, and when things aren’t going already as planned, and then you throw in more wrenches into the mix, it can overwhelming.  So to have them as support was just everything to me.

Alyssa:  Thank you so much for sharing!  I wish that I could see little Judah, too.

Samantha:  I know!  I know.

Alyssa:  It’s really hard!  But, yeah, focus on bonding with that little guy.  How’s breastfeeding and everything going?

Samantha:  Breastfeeding is going good.  We’ve had to supplement a little just because he’s such a peanut, but, again, they’ve helped with that, as well, just because that can be hard as a mom.  You know, you think, oh, breastfeeding is going to be this simple thing, and it’s hard.  Being able to talk it over with people — they’ve given me some great articles, and I had a virtual meetup with some new moms that Kristin suggested, a team that I should join in on, and that was really helpful.  I got some great tips from that, and to not only see new moms who delivered around the same time as I had, and that was all virtual and really cool to be able to hear from them.  You know, they might not be going through the same issues as I am, but to hear they’re also having questions and not knowing what to do was really reassuring because you can get stuck in this loop of, why is this not working for me?  What am I doing wrong?  Why is it so easy for everybody else?  And you don’t realize other moms have, you know, if not the same issues, then different issues.  It’s all different for each person.

Alyssa:  Yeah.  It’s not easy for everybody else.  It just seems like it is.

Samantha:  It does, and it’s easy to get down on yourself and think, oh, you know, woe is me, why is it not working for me?  But to be able to have not only doulas but then give me other resources to be able to reach out to was also great, as well.

Alyssa:  That’s awesome.  Thank you for taking the time to share your story!

Samantha:  Of course!  Thank you

 

Virtual Birth Support: Podcast Episode #95 Read More »

Alyssa Veneklase and Kristin Revere sit in an office while podcasting together

Coronavirus Update on Doulas: Podcast Episode #94

Kristin and Alyssa, Co-Owners of Gold Coast Doulas, give an update on doulas and the coronavirus.  How is this affecting birth doulas in the hospital and postpartum doulas in the home?  They also talk about virtual classes such as Mama Natural Online to help new parents stay prepared while social distancing.  You can listen to this complete podcast episode on iTunes and SoundCloud.

Alyssa:  Welcome to Ask the Doulas.  You are here with Alyssa and Kristin, and today we’re going to talk a little bit about the coronavirus.  I’m going to let Kristin do most of the talking just to kind of update our friends and clients on the current status.

Kristin:  Yes!  So we are happy to share the protocol within Gold Coast on how we are keeping our doula team, our childbirth educators, and our clients healthy.  We are recording this on March 17th, so things are changing daily, and by the time you listen to this, the information that we’re giving you may be a bit different.  But we did want to respond quickly and have notified all of our clients about our safety protocols.  With birth doula clients, we are doing all our prenatal, our free consultations, and our postpartum meetings virtually.  So our clients now know that they are talking to teams by phone or Zoom meetings or Facetime, whatever the preferred method is.  We’re still giving you that same time and attention; just keeping you safe and healthy during this critical time.

We had been working with area hospital administrators and with the governor’s office to make sure that we were able to support our clients in person, and again, this may change by the time you’re listening to this, but we had a day yesterday where we were told birth doulas would not be able to support in the hospital.  So we contacted all of our clients and made a plan to support in the home before and support virtually in the hospital.  Through work with the governor’s office and area administrators, we were able to obtain entry into area hospitals.  So starting today, that is not an issue.  With the executive order from the governor’s office, a partner and a doula are allowed to admit into area hospitals.  There will be a health screening, and we’re going through credentialing processes with every hospital having different requirements, but we plan to support our clients.  This is as of today, and again, if the outbreak continues, we may need to rely on virtual support.  Because Gold Coast has a big team of birth doulas, we will monitor symptoms of coronavirus and the flu, as we have always done, to assure that a healthy doula will be attending the birth.  We’ll be doing the best we can to isolate our team.  We’re staying home with our families.  We’re not going out into the public unless we need to get provisions.  Going from there to ensure that we’re able to support our clients during this time when they need the emotional and physical support of doulas now more than any time.

Alyssa, I know that in postpartum support, we have made some accommodations as well, and part of that is some of our clients had contracts that were about to expire, and we’ve talked to them about delaying support, and with our postpartum doulas, who our clients want us in the home, we are of course making sure that the doulas are healthy.  We’re using sanitization methods.  If we’re doing cleaning, we’re cleaning doorknobs and handles at our clients’ homes.  We’re coming in with clean clothing, taking our shoes off, as we always do, and using whatever precautions our clients want us to in their home with caring for baby and caring for the mother.  And, again, with our postpartum doula team, we have a lot of doulas.  So if a doula has any symptoms of coronavirus or the flu or even a cold, we are sending in a healthy doula to replace the scheduled doula.  Do you have anything to add to that?

Alyssa:  No.  I mean, nothing’s really changed in that regard.  All of our clients get that same kind of care.  It’s just extra — I guess maybe an extra added step at this point.

Kristin:  And as a sleep expert, part of what we do as postpartum doulas, both daytime and overnight, is allow our clients to rest.  Now, with your sleep certification, I know you focus on newborns and toddlers and so on, but let’s talk a bit about the importance during this time to keep your immune system strong and getting sleep for families.

Alyssa:  Yeah, the problem with sleep deprivation is your immune system starts to decline, and more than ever right now, it’s important to keep your immune systems healthy.  So that means still going outside and getting fresh air, getting exercise.  But you also need sleep.  And with a newborn and/or a toddler at home, that can really be trying.  So the beauty of my sleep consultations is that I don’t need to do it in person.  We can do it via phone and text.  So if that is an issue, you can call me still for that.  But regardless, you just have to focus on sleep.  You have to get your required amount of sleep, and your kids need to be going to bed on time.  I know this feels like a big vacation for them, but you need to have a set bedtime and awake time.  I mean, if we’re going to be in this situation for three to six weeks, they are going to become sleep deprived.  They are going to become little monsters.  It’s going to make your days even harder, but then again their immune systems could start to decline.

Kristin:  Right.  And, again, we do offer sibling care, so we can help with snacks around the house, and we have noticed that a lot of West Michigan families tend to have family support of grandparents or other family members, and now with some of the guidelines for keeping the elderly safe and away from children, I know my kids are being distanced from my parents due to my father’s heart condition and so on.  And so we can come in when you are relying on your family right now and take some of that burden off of you and your partner.

Alyssa:  I have canceled all family functions.  A birthday party, a sleepover.  You know, my parents called and offered to help, and “thanks, but no thanks.”  We’re stuck at home anyway.  There’s nowhere I can go, nothing I can do.  So, yeah, we’re just kind of laying low at the house.

Kristin:  Yeah.  And so people are obviously isolating, canceling things, and we’re able to — we do offer bedrest support, so we are able to do virtual bedrest support if that is something that a client is interested in.  Or, again, support in the home with childbirth education.  We can do mini classes virtually or in home and provide sibling care for our clients who are on bedrest and need to feed their other children, especially now that daycares are closing and schools are closed at least through April 10th, if not longer.  And so we’re adapting as best we can and keeping our team safe.  For clients who are not part of our current childbirth series that has now gone virtual, our Hypnobirthing class started out in person, and due to the coronavirus, we’ve turned that into an online class with our instructor.  But we are an affiliate for Mama Natural, so we wanted to talk about that as an option for clients who are not able to take a hospital childbirth class or take Hypnobirthing or a different child preparation method.  You can go onto our website and sign up for our online affiliate program through Mama Natural and take the class online. We’ve gone through the class.  I personally went through the entire curriculum, and my clients have used it and have had success, so that is a great option during this time when we need to isolate and be at home and still want to prepare our clients and have our clients feel like they’re ready for this birth.

Alyssa:  And Kelly Emery, our lactation consultant, also offers an online pumping class and a breastfeeding class.

Kristin:  Perfect!  So there are some things you can do, and again, things are ever changing, but as of right now, all of the area hospitals are limiting visitors to one support person, so your partner or family member and a doula who is credentialed in area hospitals.  So in the postpartum units, you are not able to have siblings visit or family at this time.  Everything is limited to protect the health workers and the patients.  So it is good to have these conversations with family members.  I always tell my birth clients at prenatals that now is the time to express whether or not you want visitors in your birth space, and now knowing some of these plans have changed, if you have family members flying in, you may want to delay, or if you have older family members or immune-compromised caregivers, then now is the time to have these discussions rather than having disappointment at your due date if you’re due this spring.

Alyssa:  Yeah.  They won’t even be able to come in, and probably family members can’t even fly in at this point.  We’re getting close to that.

Kristin:  Yes.  Domestic travel is limited and could be delayed indefinitely.  So we’re just taking things day by day.  But we want you to remain calm and positive about this and go with the flow, so try not to take in too much negative media and use this time to focus on connecting with your baby.  And if you have other children, reach out to us if we can help.  We’re here for you.

Alyssa:  I think it reiterates the importance of an agency like Gold Coast Doulas being professional and certified and insured and, like you said, credentialed so that we can get into the hospitals.  The hospitals trust us.  They have a list of our certified doulas’ names.  They might ask for a federal ID number.  They might ask for certification; proof of certification.  These are all really important things to consider when hiring a doula anytime, but especially right now.

Kristin:  Yes!  Stay well, everyone !

 

Coronavirus Update on Doulas: Podcast Episode #94 Read More »

swaddelini

The Swaddelini Swaddle: Podcast Episode #93

Liz Hilton, founder of Swaddelini, tells us about the unique process she uses to create her amazing swaddle and why her swaddle is different.  You can listen to this complete podcast episode on iTunes or SoundCloud.

Kristin:  Welcome to Ask the Doulas with Gold Coast Doulas.  I’m Kristin.

Alyssa:  And I am Alyssa.

Kristin:  And we’re here today with Liz Hilton, who happens to be a birth and postpartum client of ours.  She has an amazing product to talk about.  Tell us about your swaddles and where you came up with the idea and more about how we can put it into action!

Liz:  Well, first, thank you so much for having me on your talk.  My product in Swaddelini.  It’s inspired by my firstborn son, Thomas, who was a little Houdini.  Veritable little Houdini; got out of all his swaddles and would constantly wake up from the Moro reflex.  I’m really excited about my next baby that I’m going to be having a couple weeks here because now I’m equipped with a swaddle that is easy to use and protects against the Moro reflex and is completely kick-proof and escape-proof.

Kristin:  You’ll have your own baby model!

Liz:  I know!  I’ll have my own little cute baby model!  My Instagram Swaddelini is going to blow up with pictures of my new baby.  But yeah, what’s different about it is that typically swaddles involves a lot of wrapping or cumbersome closure systems like zippers, Velcro, or God forbid, snaps.  So mine just goes on and off like a sock, and I’ve incorporated some light compression therapy into the chest area to give the sensation of a hug all night long.  So I’ve actually trademarked that as Hug Technology.

Kristin:  Love it!

Liz:  And the individual tubes help keep the arms down for the Moro reflex.  It encourages that sleep safe position of being on the back and arms at the sides.  And then when you need to change the diaper, there’s an easy access diaper flap so you can change the diaper without having to take the swaddle on and off.

Kristin:  That’s such a pain to remove the swaddle and wake the baby!

Liz:  Yeah!  And it’s also adaptable, so with any baby product, you want it to adapt because all babies are different.  Every baby is different.  Every mom is different.  So some babies like their arms out.  Now, part of the thinking behind that is so they can self-soothe when they do wake up from the Moro reflex.  The idea with the Swaddelini is that that won’t happen as often because their arms are encouraged to be down.  But if your baby insists on having their arms out, you can just leave their arms out.  You’re still going to get that Hug Technology benefit.  Probably my favorite thing is that this swaddle is easy to put on, but also doesn’t restrict motion.  That’s one thing that doctors have been telling moms is, you know, don’t swaddle your baby.  It will cause hip dysplasia.  And that’s just because some swaddles, there’s no stopping point when you’re wrapping them or pulling the Velcro.  It’s very easy to do it too tight.  Whereas with this, it’s a four-way stretch knit.  It’s soft.  It’s stretchy.  And there’s no risk in that.  And even though the baby feels hugged all over, they have freedom of movement.  So if, for example, you’re breastfeeding, the baby can, while wearing the swaddle, can kneed your breast but can’t scratch.  Same when they’re sleeping; they can touch their face, but not scratch it.  So that’s another benefit.

Kristin:  And you have different sizes, so as they grow bigger, their swaddle size is based on how many pounds the baby is?

Liz:  I’ve done it that way.  I’ve said the small is good for 6-12 pounds and the large is 12-18 pounds.  The reason I did the larger one is just because there’s that transition where your baby’s kind of rolling over their side, and you’re, like oh, my God.  Is it going to happen?  Are they going to roll over?  Am I going to wake up and my baby’s on their front?  You have all these fears.  What I say is with the larger one — or even with the smaller one, if your baby is toying with rolling over sooner before they’re out of the smaller size, just take one arm and leave it out.  And then one they’re rolling over a lot during the day, you can take both arms out.  If your baby likes to sleep with their feet out, leave the feet out.  My niece slept in her large swaddle between month 8 and 11 until she was ready to get out.  She was smaller, though.  She was a smaller baby, so that’s why she went so long.  But she just didn’t want to leave it, but it was a nice transition.

Alyssa:  And they’re made out of different things.  I’m very curious what the process is and how you make them, too.  We talked a little bit about it on the phone, but I thought it was very cool how you make these.

Liz:  Yeah.  I have two very distinct designs.  The first one I did, I made out of just a bunch of synthetic fibers that I’ve used for compression garments that I’ve made for kids with, like, CP or lymphedema.  And so that helps with the light compression at the chest.  So that part is the same.  For the rest of it, it’s a moisture-wicking nylon-polyester blend.  It feels very lightweight, but it’s actually very cozy and very soft.  You can feel that.

Alyssa:  So soft!

Liz:  Yes!  But at the end of the day, it is a synthetic fiber, right?  I learned very quickly that some moms like natural fibers.  So after much research, I found a supplier of bamboo, and they make this bamboo in a mechanical process versus chemical.  You’ve seen a lot of maybe bamboo-rayon products.  This is not that.  This is just a natural bamboo made in a nonchemical process, and I pair it with a really exciting new fiber.  I’m actually the first in the industry to license this.  It’s called 37.5 because what it does is it regulates your body temperature to put it at a perfect 37.5 degrees Celsius.  So that is why the bamboo swaddles are a little cooler to the touch.

Alyssa:  So adult swaddles will be next.

Liz:  Actually, if you go on my website to the About section and watch my videos, I have my husband in an adult swaddle.  Yeah!  I just made one for a marketing thing, and then I told my husband, hey, will you get in this so I can do a video on YouTube?  And he was, like, you’re going to put it on YouTube?  No, I’m not doing this!  And I’m like, um, I had your baby.

Alyssa:  I’m asking this one thing!

Liz:  Yeah.  So there’s now a video of him in an adult swaddle!

Alyssa:  It sounds really cozy, actually.  I think I would wear one.  I love that it’s easy.  Can you explain putting it on and how it goes on?

Liz:  You basically just scrunch it up like a sock, and then you go in feet first and you get the Hug Technology over the butt area, and then you have it over the chest.  And then you go through the easy access diaper flap.  So stick your arm through that opening at the bottom, and then go through one of the arm tubes and then grab the hand.  Put that hand in yours, and just slide it down so that the arm is in the tube.  And so now their arm can move around, but it just encourages the arm to stay down at the side.  And then you just do that on the other side.  So these arm tubes are very, very stretchy, and their hands are absolutely free to move around.  And then the top naturally curls the opposite direction from their face.  But I also had this product tested at world-class third-party laboratories, where they do a suffocation hazard test.  They literally roll my product up in a ball, put it over a fake infant face, and they measure the CO2, and mine has passed every time.

Alyssa:  That was my question.  You know, you walk in, and it’s like this.

Liz:  That is absolutely fine, and if you wanted to do a suffocation hazard test on any product that you buy, what you do is roll it up and put it against your face and breathe.  With the design, though, it does naturally curl away from the face.  So if you put your baby to sleep like this, they wake up like this.

Alyssa:  And then demonstrate poopy diaper time when you don’t want to wake the baby.

Liz:  We’ve got this flap here, and again, it’s very, very stretchy.

Kristin:  As a doula, I love that.  It’s so easy.

Alyssa:  And do you recommend just like this doll has, like a onesie underneath this?  That’s all you need?

Liz:  Definitely.

Alyssa:  The right temperature?

Liz:  Even just a diaper and socks is fine.  I get that question a lot.  It’s really what you’re comfortable with, what your baby’s comfortable with.  If they’re really tiny and maybe they’re sliding, if their arms are so small they’re sliding out, you can put a onesie, like the sleeves on it, and that friction between the fabric will keep it on.  So then you get access to the diaper.  You do the diaper.  And then you can put it right back on, and you don’t have to take it off.  And then taking it off also is very easy because you just pull it down.  It’s actually easier with a real baby.  You can do it all in one motion.  I’ve gotten that a lot where moms say, oh, I didn’t know it was going to be this easy.  That’s always good!

Kristin:  And you have different designs.  You brought some samples with you.  There’s a fun funky orange and pink and…

Liz:  It’s interesting you say that because the design is pretty much the same.  The only difference is the colors and the fibers.  The blue, pink, orange, and gray here are all in the moisture-wicking synthetic fibers, and these more neutral colors, this neural white-pearl and this cloud-gray are the bamboo.  The best-selling ones are the grays, the grays in both the synthetic and the bamboo, and then orange.  Everyone loves neutrals.  The way this is made is a really interesting process.  One of the benefits of the Swaddelini is that it’s seamless, and it’s seamless because it’s actually manufactured in one piece, in one process, using 3D knitting.  Kind of like the Nike Flyknit shoes.  It’s the same technology, and I have a machine that knits all of these in my garage.  I make them all myself.  I don’t have some manufacturer in China that I outsource this too.  So it’s very, very local.  And it’s actually my life’s work.  I’ve been a 3D knit programmer for over ten years now and working primarily in technical knitting, knitting solutions for office furniture and automotive and aerospace and stuff like that.  But when I had my first baby two and a half years ago, I had an idea to use that same process to solve my swaddling problem.  That became Swaddelini.

Alyssa:  That’s amazing!  You said there’s a couple tiny stitches you have to do yourself at the very end?

Liz:  At the very top because it’s all made with this one end of yard.  At the very top, you have to pull it through a loop and then that’s the final thing that I do.  And I sew on these cute little tags with washing information and stuff like that.

Alyssa:  Yeah, what is the washing information?

Liz:  For the synthetic fiber, I recommend cold.  It will shrink up a bit, but honestly, if that happens to you, let me know.  I can work something out with you because I don’t want someone to get it and have it shrink.  I recommend that, and then air drying it is fine.  But for the bamboo ones, I actually prewash them in a natural, unscented detergent, so they’re already preshrunk.  They won’t shrink anymore.  You can wash and dry them in heat, but I still recommend cold just for longevity.

Alyssa:  Things look better.  I wash all my stuff in cold.  They just last so much longer.

Kristin:  Thanks, Liz!  We appreciate you coming in!  How do people order or find you?

Alyssa:  Well, if you’re a Gold Coast client, you can get a discount.  But for everyone else, what’s the best way to order these?

Liz:  On my website, but if you want to learn more about my product before you buy it, I highly recommend going on my Instagram, @swaddelini, because I have a lot moms on there that have shared their videos of how they use it because every mom might use my product differently.

Kristin:  It’s great for the visual learners.

Alyssa:  I’m going to add this to my newborn class repertoire because I think some people get overwhelmed with the old-fashioned swaddle, and like you said, if you have a really strong baby, they’re popping out of this thing.  So this is a great option, and they’re super cute!

Kristin:  We will definitely check in with you after, since you’re a client of ours, and we can see how it’s working with your own baby and also hear your birth story.  We love hearing personal stories!

Liz:  Well, I’m really excited to have doula support this time because I didn’t last time, and I definitely regret it.

Alyssa:  Yeah, we can have you back in to talk about that and how it was with doulas.

Liz:  That would be awesome!

 

The Swaddelini Swaddle: Podcast Episode #93 Read More »

Birth Photography: Podcast Episode #92

Photographers Kris and Autumn of The People Picture Company answer questions about birth photography, what a photographer actually does in the delivery room and how the process works for hiring a photographer and talking about birth plans.  You can listen to this complete podcast on iTunes or SoundCloud.

Alyssa:  Welcome to the Ask the Doulas podcast.  I am Alyssa Veneklase.

Kristin:  And I’m Kristin Revere.

Alyssa:  We are co-owners of Gold Coast, and we are here today with Autumn and Kris from The People Picture Company.  We wanted to bring you in because you do a lot of birth photography and a lot of our clients use you, but I know a lot of people are cautious or maybe don’t understand quite what the role of a photographer is in the delivery room, and I think it might be weird for people to say, you know, there’s going to be this stranger with a camera photographing my private parts.  Like, I don’t know this person!  Can you ease people’s fears and maybe tell us what the whole process looks like?

Kris:  Of course!  It all starts with a prenatal consult.  So this is where we get together and discuss your birth plan and what you want your birthing experience to look like.  This helps give us an idea; like, okay, are you doing a hospital birth or a home birth or a birthing center?  All of these things kind of factor into it.  We exchange phone numbers and all the information there, too, and then pick packages.  But it’s really a time for us to get together and to get to know each other because it is a very personal, private, intimate experience, and we’re going to be there with you, so we want to be able to know you and have you be comfortable with us.

Kristin:  It’s almost like when you do weddings and you have a shot list.  In your prenatal, I’m sure you go over, okay, this is what’s acceptable, and this is what I don’t want.

Kris:  Exactly.  We also go through and we show off some of the other births that we’ve done that the mothers have completely agreed that it is okay for us to show.  We have a couple of photos on our website, if you go into Maternity and Birth.  But when we go into a consult, you get to see a little bit more in depth.  These are ones that are, like, you know, actually during the birth experience.  So sometimes there’s nudity because you might get really hot when you’re giving birth to your child.  Sometimes people want that crowning photo.  I’m not going to put that online, but if you want to see what that looks like or a photo of your placenta where your baby lived for a while, then I can show you those during the consult so you get more of an idea and a feel of what you can expect from your birth photos.

Alyssa:  So it’s kind of like, if I were to say I want birth photos, but I don’t want any shots of boobs; I don’t want any shots of vaginas; I don’t want a butt.  Then you would know that going in, saying, okay, we need to crop this out or I’m not going to…

Kris:  Not going to photograph it.  If you want the photos of your child coming into this world but you don’t want that crowning photo, I don’t have to be right where the doctors are.  We can be right up by your shoulder.  In fact, that’s how it was with my photos.  I don’t have any crowning photos of my son coming out, but I have some great photos from over my shoulder, and you can see him just emerging into the world.  It’s so magical because you can ever see everyone that’s in the room and my husband and my doctors and everyone, and it’s just so magical.  Especially because most of that, I had my eyes shut, and one of my friends was, like, no, open your eyes.  Open your eyes!  You have to see this moment!

Autumn:  I think a part of it, too, is during the consult, you are getting comfortable with each other, and there’s a moment where you kind of think past the nudity, you know?  We’re basically capturing the emotional experience between you, your baby, your family.  That is something that is bigger than the nudity sometimes.

Alyssa:  Right!

Kristin:  And I love that you’ve also supported surgical births and shown the beauty of that as they’re getting prepped to go into the operating room and so on.  Some of those pictures are amazing.

Kris:  Yeah!  With the Cesarean births, we’re not allowed in the operating room for those, but we are allowed in the prepping areas and as you’re walking down the hallway or being wheeled into the operating room, we can do all of that and we can do the couple of hours after the birth, as well.  It’s just that for those we’re not actively allowed in those rooms for the surgical process.

Kristin:  I’ve loved attending births with The People Picture Company because you really do capture the emotions of the couple and the intimate experience that they have, as well as, obviously, meeting their new baby or babies for the first time and really, you have a way.  That’s why we have you photograph our team and a lot of the events we do.  You really capture that moment so perfectly and the beauty of birth, the raw and realness of all of it.

Autumn:  And no birth is the same, no two births.

Kris:  No.  But they’re all emotional.  I cry at every one.

Kristin:  For sure.  They are.  It’s an honor to be in someone’s birth space.  I don’t take that lightly as a doula.

Alyssa:  So you’re essentially on call; that’s why you exchange numbers.  So how does that work from your client’s end?  You exchange phone numbers, and then when the due date approaches, you just kind of — they know that your phone’s going to be on next to the bed all night?

Kris:  Yep.  My phone is on next to my bed all night.  It is turned up as loud as it possibly can be, and in case I’m asleep, my husband is a very light sleeper, so if he hears it, he’s definitely going to be waking me up.

Autumn:  You’re pretty amazing.  You wake up, and you’re there, and it’s magical.

Kris:  It’s so funny because almost all the births that I’ve been on have been in the middle of the night where we’re getting a call.  Hey, we’re starting to have some contractions.  Okay, great.  Keep us informed.  Let us know when your water breaks, and we’ll be there, wherever you’re going to be having your birth.  We’re very flexible, so if you were originally going to be doing a home birth and then something is weird and you need to go to the hospital, then just have someone let us know.  It doesn’t matter who it is.  Just put our number in your birth plan, and we’ll be there.

Alyssa:  That’s what a doula’s good for.  We can call you and let you know.  By the way, we’re headed to the hospital.

Autumn:  And the greatest part is we have a whole team, so during that time when Kris is on call and she needs to be ready whenever, anything that she has going on, we’re there to kind of help take care of that so we free up her time to be available to be at the birth no matter what.

Kris:  Yeah.  I block off your due date for sure.  That entire day is completely reserved.  I won’t schedule anything.  And then for a week or so before and a week or so after, because babies come when they want to come, I have those listed as on-call, which means that if someone else needs to take one of my other sessions that I have prebooked because you’re going into labor at that point, then they have that.  I have a bag packed and with me wherever I am, so I am ready to go and meet you as soon as I get the call.

Kristin:  Sounds just like what I do as a birth doula!  And most of my calls are in the middle of the night unless it’s a planned birth.  Or early morning; I sometimes will get a call.  They’ve been laboring at home in early labor, and then they want my support early in the morning.

Kris:  Babies just love coming at night.

Autumn:  They do!

Kris:  My son came right after midnight, and our birth photographer, Bree — she’s one of our team.  She actually doesn’t shoot anymore, but she picked up a camera for me.  I think I was her last session that she did.  And she came — she was so sweet.  She came at — oh, gosh.  I don’t even know what time.  She came pretty early.  Probably about 7:00, I think, is when my water broke and everything, and she was there until about 1:00 in the morning when I finally kicked her out.  You need to go home; you need to go to sleep.  We got our photos; we’re great.  We got our few things that we wanted afterwards.  Go home and sleep.  But that also leads me to the photos of after the birth, like how long we get to stay for that.  That’s actually a really good segue there that I hadn’t planned.

Kristin:  And I know some clients can hire you just for that first hour or that time of bonding and not the actual labor if their preference is to not be photographed during the birth itself.

Kris:  Definitely.  It’s still all the same thing.  We’re still on call and everything, and the way our packages work, we have two different ones.  They both include up to two hours of post-birthing, and that covers the first moments of your child’s life.  So if you want us in there for the birth, then that can include the cord cutting and such.  If you want us there for the first little bit afterwards, it can include the first time you’re nursing your child if that’s what you end up doing.  If you’re doing skin to skin contact; the weight, height, and head measurements, the footprints, and the first family photo of you all together in that blissful moment.  And then also if you have any family members that are coming to meet the newest addition, so if you have an older child that’s coming to meet the younger sibling for the first time, or you have some grandparents that are being grandparents for the very first time, we can be there for that, too.

Alyssa:  How does it work — let’s say a client gets induced and says, hey, I’m going to the hospital, but then it ends up taking two days.  How do you — or have you had a client like that where you’re there for a really, really long time?

Kris:  We’ve had one where we’ve been there for —

Autumn:  We’ve had to do switch shifts.

Kris:  Yeah.  I’ve done some switch shifts before where we kind of tag out.  Okay, I’ve been here for, like, 12, 13 hours.  I need a momentary break.  I need a little cat nap, but we don’t want you to have to worry about us missing it.  So then we just kind of tag out with one of our other team members, and then we swap for a little bit.

Alyssa:  So there’s no price difference?

Kris:  No.

Alyssa:  It’s just whatever birth you have, whether it’s two hours or two days?

Kris:  Yep.  Your kid comes in the time when your kid wants to come, and we’ve got to be flexible with that.

Kristin:  Right.  And even with inductions, there can be some sweet moments where they’re on the birthing ball or moving around the room, and you can capture – again, if it is a couple, you can couple the intimacy with the couple, or if there’s a doula supporting…

Autumn:  Well, the greatest part is it’s not just one single moment with the birth.  It’s the entire process, and being able to capture that for basically the entire family is so special because we literally see the moments before, where they’re on the ball and they’re trying to get them out, and then they —

Kris:  It’s the whole story.

Autumn:  It literally is the story.

Kris:  And going back to personal experience, I was induced for my son because he was a week late and didn’t want to come.  And there are times, because it was a long, emotional, hard birth, that don’t necessarily remember.  But because I had my photographer there and I made a book later on, I’m able to remember and to kind of — not necessarily relive, because I don’t remember the pain, thank God, but I do remember the joy, and I remember thinking – like, for me the birthing ball was bad, and all I can remember was saying, “Ball bad!  Ball bad!”  But I remember that because I have the photo of me with that ball and then the ball completely on the other side of the room because I didn’t even want to see it.

Kristin:  Listening to your body is key!  That’s what I say.  That’s part of it!

Alyssa:  So once you get into the labor and delivery room, what does that look like?  Are you kind of like a fly on the wall trying to stay out of — like, you don’t want them to even know you’re there, or are you talking to them and —

Kris:  It kind of depends on the couple or on the mom and what they want, and this is why we do the prenatal consult.  We usually try to help out if we can, like either be a gopher — like, so if mom is really sweating but doesn’t want her partner to leave and needs a wet washcloth or something, then we will do that.  If you need some ice chips or something, we can go and do that for you so that your people don’t have to leave, although of course if you have doulas, then they usually end up helping out that way, too.  So we help out where we can, but otherwise, it’s usually very intimate, and the couple is pretty much in their own world.  We just kind of capture that and stay out of the doctors’ way.  After you have your baby, we know that you’re really excited to show the photos of your new little baby to friends and family and all your loved ones, and so instead of sending cell phone photos that can look a little weird, we do sneak peeks so we’ll provide you with a handful of photos that are completely ready to send out to friends and family.

Alyssa:  Like the next day?

Kris:  Within 24 hours.  Usually less than; it’s usually one of the first things that we do when we leave the birthing room.

Autumn:  She gets really excited.  She gets back to the studio, and she’s, like, “I’m doing this!  I’m really excited!”

Alyssa:  You always do.  Every team photo, you’re, like, okay, give me a couple weeks.  And then two days later, you’re like, “They’re ready!  I was just too excited.  I had to go through them.”

Autumn:  Well, I mean, it’s our work, and we get so excited about it, and we can’t wait to show it off because what is the point of just sitting on it when we can share it with everyone?

Alyssa:  In my past life, I was a photographer, and it was the same thing.  While it’s fresh in my head, I wanted to go through them.  It’s exciting to see what you just created.  So I get it.

Kris:  You’ll get a handful of photos the same day, usually within a few hours, so you can send them out.  And then the final photos, we say two weeks, but it’s usually sooner.

Kristin:  And certainly, I feel like birth is a major rite of passage, and as wedding photographers, you understand how much time, money, and preparation is involved in planning for that rite of passage, but really, when you look at minor investments in the birth and postpartum time for a family, hiring a birth photographer or doing newborn shots doesn’t even compare to the investment in a wedding photographer, for example.

Kris:  Oh, yeah, no.  It’s a fraction.

Kristin:  Can you explain a bit about what your fees are so people who aren’t familiar with birth photographers — as you talk about being on call and longer lengths and so on?

We have a couple different packages when it comes to the birth, and they each include high-resolution images for you to share, to do whatever you want with.  And then you also get an album to create for our highest package, which is a 20-page lay-flat album.

Kristin:  You’re saying a digital album?

Autumn:  No, a photo album.  So you get digital files, high-resolution, and then our highest package, you get a 20-page album to share and have it on your table so you can show it off.  And plus like Kris said, you get to relive the moments because sometimes you just don’t remember, and having that printed album is so important because you can’t have all of your images live on digital because you don’t know how long they’re going to last.  We always want everybody to print things.

Kris:  Which is why we provide you with the high-resolution images, too, because those are good quality for printing.  So you’re welcome to print them yourself or you can print with us.  We have a la carte print packages, too.  So the first package, like Autumn was saying, it’s $850.  It includes everything: the prenatal consult, the on-call availability, the two hours after birth, and then 100 or more, however many, high-resolution images, and a 20-page 5×5 print photo album.  And then our second package, which is our base package, is $500, and that includes 30 to 50 high-resolution images, so that’s if you need just a little bit; just a little reminder, not the whole big coverage of everything.  And then because we want to see you guys again and provide you with a really good first family photo that’s not right after birth, we include 10% off your newborn session if you get either of these two packages because, yeah, your first family photo — yeah, it’s great to have one in the hospital, but let’s get one where your hair and makeup are actually done, too.

Kristin:  And I know you do documentary-style or more of the posed family shots, depending on preference and price and so on?

Autumn:  Absolutely.  We actually prefer doing newborn sessions in the home because it’s where you’re going to be the most comfortable, and then you also don’t have to worry about packing up the family and moving them to our studio, which can be a hassle sometimes.  Our goal is to make everything hassle-free, so we come to you, and we can document your entire family as you are, and we can also get some posed shots that would be printed and put on the wall.  The documentary style also work well if you do an album.  Plus, it’s more realistic.  It’s you in your zone.  It’s where your family is.  And if you have other kids, it’s also really fun to see how they interact with the baby, also.

Kris:  Some of the documentary ones that we’ve done are within your nursery, so if you’re changing your baby on the table or nursing them in a rocking chair or something like that and then you get a photo of the entire nursery in this environmental setting, too.

Kristin:  It’s nice.  You did that with a twin client of ours.

Kris:  Yeah.   They were so sweet.  They were adorable, and we had grandma in there, too.

Alyssa:  So if anyone is interested in birth photos or family photos or baby photos —

Kristin:  Or maternity photos.

Alyssa:  Yeah, maternity photos — what’s the best way for them to reach out?

Kris:  Probably our website would be the best.  We have all our packages listed on there.

Kristin:  And you also have a page on the Gold Coast Doulas website.

Kris:  We do, so you can just go to the Gold Coast Doulas website and go into Birth Photography and find us that way, too.  And then we have all of our packages listed and a handful of images to show you, just kind of a portfolio of examples to see if we’re your flavor of photographer or not.

Autumn:  And the best way to find out is just reaching out and setting up a consult to get to know us, really.

Kris:  Yeah.  You can do that straight from the website.  We have contact boxes.  You can email us.

Alyssa:  And probably depending on the time of year, as long as it’s not wedding season, you could do it last minute.  Like, hey, I’m 38 weeks and I just decided I want a photographer.

Autumn:  Oh, absolutely.

Alyssa:  As long as you’re not in the throes of wedding season, you might be able to say yes?

Kris:  You know, as long as you’re not a Friday or Saturday, chances are really high.

Alyssa:  Cool.  Well, thanks for joining us.  Is there anything else that we didn’t cover?

Autumn:   I did want to point out that another thing after birth – one of our favorite things to do is follow you through the first year.  What we have is a package that basically is dedicated to capturing your baby at several stages in the first year.  So then you can do the three, six, nine months and then the one year, so you can also print that out and get it on the wall to see how much they’ve grown.,

Kris:  They change so much in that first year.

Autumn:  They really, really do.  It’s amazing.  They go from literally —

Kris:  Tiny squishes to little humans.

Autumn:   Yeah.  It’s amazing.  And it’s really fun for us, especially somebody like Kris who’s there during the birth, probably the maternity session, and after with the newborn, and then we get to follow you through and literally watch your family grow.  It is so much fun.

Kris:  It’s awesome watching them grow.

Autumn:  Yeah.  Because our goal is to become lifelong friends, not just the photographer one day.

Kris:  Yeah.  We want to get to know you and become friends and tell your story.

Kristin:  I love that.

Alyssa:  That’s cool.  Thanks!

 

Birth Photography: Podcast Episode #92 Read More »

Perinatal Mood Disorders: Podcast Episode #91

Today we talk with Elsa, a therapist at Mindful Counseling in Grand Rapids, Michigan who specializes in perinatal mood disorders.  Learn what postpartum anxiety and depression look like, how they are different, and signs to look out for.  You can listen to this complete podcast episode on iTunes or SoundCloud.

Kristin:  Welcome to Ask the Doulas with Gold Coast Doulas.  I’m Kristin, and I’m here today with Elsa Lockman from Mindful Counseling.  She’s here to talk to us a bit about postpartum anxiety.  Elsa specializes in the following areas: perinatal mood disorders, which includes postpartum depression, anxiety, OCD, grief and loss, eating disorders, and body image issues.  She also works with clients dealing with relationship problems, coping with medical illness, trauma and abuse, women’s issues and self-esteem, and mood disorders and anxiety.  So obviously, you’re a natural fit working with clients who struggle with everything from eating disorders to anxiety and depression, transitions in their relationships, and expanding their family or having their first child.  So today, Elsa, let’s focus a bit on the difference between postpartum depression and anxiety and what women can do if they’re interested in seeking treatment and getting help.

Elsa:  Yes, postpartum depression and anxiety can go together.  Sometimes women will struggle with anxiety with depression.  Sometimes it is separate.  Postpartum anxiety and depression can look very different.  People classically think of postpartum depression as mothers who don’t connect with their babies, moms who are checked out and can’t get out of bed all day.  That’s actually not always the case.  Often, women with depression are exhausted and often can’t stop crying.  They can’t look, maybe, on the positive side or think rationally.  As far as the anxiety, it can come out more in not feeling necessarily down but feeling like you can’t relax; feeling that something bad is going to happen at any time.  Having thoughts of something happening to your baby; scary thoughts.  Sometimes even flashes of images of very violent things happening or the baby falling, and moms often feel guilty for those, actually, and don’t tell anybody, but they’re actually really important to talk about.

Kristin:  I had a friend who was afraid of driving in her car or anyone driving her baby.  There can be a lot of, like you said, those intrusive thoughts.

Elsa:  Yes, and it’s obsessive sometimes and you can’t get it out of your head.  So rationally, you can say, I’m not going to drop the baby going down the stairs.  I have the baby in my hands.  But it keeps going; it gets hooked, the idea or the image, and then they’ll struggle with almost a loop where it just can’t get out of your head.  Or anxiety can present sometimes in something around sickness.  No germs.  Thinking that my baby is going to get sick; I can’t take her out to the store, and I can’t take her to this house.  And how far that goes; I mean, some of these are common sense, and you want to take care of your child, but then how far does it goes?  Does it prevent you from doing things that you want to do, or do others notice that maybe this is being a little unreasonable?  It seems to be causing you even more anxiety to be thinking some of these things.  Another part is that sometimes anxiety can come out as anger.  Feeling just angry and irritable; feeling tense.  That can come out, obviously, with partners, and they can notice it.  Being different, a marked change from before for women.  Those are some of the symptoms that come that people can notice with anxiety.  Another one would be sleeping; when moms can’t sleep when the baby is actually sleeping.  That’s another sign of postpartum anxiety for people to watch out for.

Kristin:  Sure.  That makes sense.  I know even with postpartum doulas in the house, some women still struggle with fully sleeping even though their child is being care for by someone else. And sleep is so essential.  There are so many studies on how, if you’re not getting enough sleep, it can lead to mood disorders and anxiety and so on.

Elsa:  Yeah, it just leaves women very vulnerable, and now it’s become so normalized that part of the postpartum world is just not getting sleep.  And I think it’s also expected that women are also just supposed to go on with their lives and do all the normal things that they’re supposed to do even when they’re running on little to no sleep, and this goes on for weeks or months.

Kristin:  Yes!  So what resources would you suggest if they’re looking for help?  Obviously, we can talk about how to reach out to you!

Elsa:  For sure!  You can definitely contact Mindful Counseling GR.  You can contact Pine Rest.  They actually have a mother baby unit, so they actually have therapists that have specialized training, like I do, to work with women postpartum.

Kristin:  And now Pine Rest even has the ER when you can —

Elsa:  Oh, the urgent care center?

Kristin:  Yes, the urgent care center.  They can go in at night and not have to go the hospital.

Elsa:  yeah, they can go to the urgent care center and get assessed and get attention or treatment a lot quicker.  OB offices have a list of therapists who are trained and specialize with postpartum or perinatal mood disorders, which includes anxiety and depression in pregnancy and postpartum.  So there’s a list that you can ask for from your OB, as well.

Kristin:  Great!  How do they directly reach out to you?  Are you accepting new patients, Elsa?

Elsa:  Yes, I am!  You can reach out to me by contacting me through our website.

Kristin:  Perfect!  Thank you for coming on today!

 

Perinatal Mood Disorders: Podcast Episode #91 Read More »

Rise Wellness Chiropractic

Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction with Rise Wellness Chiropractic: Podcast Episode #90

Dr. Annie and Dr. Rachel talk to Alyssa about Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction (SPD), how to prevent it, how to treat it, and things every pregnant and postpartum woman should be doing!  You can listen to this complete podcast episode on iTunes or SoundCloud.

Hello.  Welcome to another episode of Ask the Doulas.  I am Alyssa, and I’m talking with Dr. Rachel and Dr. Annie again of Rise Wellness Chiropractic.  How are you?

Great!

So I got asked by a client about symphysis pubis dysfunction, and I’m not even exactly sure what that is, but you knew.  Right when I told you, you knew.  So can you tell me?

So SPD — sometimes people think of sensory processing disorder, which is with older kids, but in relation to pregnancy, it’s symphysis pubis dysfunction.

And what the heck does that mean?

It’s a mouthful!  So basically, where your two pelvic bones meet in the front is called your symphysis pubis, so that’s where the two bones meet together.  There’s cartilage in between there, and that area widens for birth.  So usually late second to third trimester, we’ll see some women will start having pain.  That can be related to the relaxin that’s in their system that’s helping the ligaments loosen and helping that area separate, but what we usually find is it’s more due to pelvic imbalances.  Usually one side of the pelvis is higher than the other or something like that or it’s rubbing in a weird way.  That’s usually what causes that symphysis pubis dysfunction.

So it’s strictly for pregnancy?

Yes.

And are there any ways to not get it?  Avoid it?  Treat it?

Get adjusted!

Yeah, just because if it’s caused from a misalignment —

Exactly.  Yeah, if it’s caused from pelvis imbalances, then that is directly a chiropractic issue.  It’s biomechanical.  That’s something that we can address through adjustments.  And then we also have stretches that you can do, and there’s also a Serola belt which is like an SI  belt.  It goes around your sacroiliac joints, and it’s just a low belt.  It doesn’t really do anything in terms of — it’s not like a belly band or something that you would wear to support the baby, but it does help to support the SI joints and keep everything together.  Really, it’s hypermobility in that joint that’s causing that pain.

It’s too mobile?

It’s too mobile.  Yeah, so we usually see it with not first-time pregnant moms but usually second or third, especially if they’ve had some kind of fall or something like that while pregnant.  They can injure their pelvis, and that’s usually what brings those things up.  I actually had a patient a couple weeks who came to us for SPD, and under care, she was doing great.  All her pain went away.  But she had fallen during her first pregnancy, and then during her second pregnancy, she started having all this pain and stuff come on. 

So falling during pregnancy; it’s not just like a random fall at any time in your life that could affect this?

It could be.  Pregnancy is really good at exacerbating existing issues or past issues.  Like if you’ve had any pelvic imbalances in your past and then you’re pregnant, just that relaxin is going to kind of flare things up.  Typically, what we see is pain with putting weight on one leg.  Climbing stairs is when your pelvis is moving the most, so that’s usually when a lot of the pain is flared up.

Walking; something that you don’t have to do very often.

Yeah!

Sounds horrible!

But sitting is not good for it either.  It’s one of those things that nothing is good for it.

Laying hurts; turning while you’re laying.  Like that’s not already hard when you’re in the third trimester!

Does it actually cause any more pain or discomfort during labor and delivery?

It can.  It depends on really, like, what the pelvis — because if you think of the pelvic bowl, if there’s imbalances in the pelvis, it’s not just affecting the bones.  It’s also affecting your pelvic floor muscles.  It’s affecting all of your stabilizer muscles.  So it can potentially affect how things go during labor.  I don’t know if it creates more pain, necessarily, or if it would be, but any pelvic imbalance is going to effect, probably, the efficiency of your labor.

Plus, it doesn’t necessarily clear up after.

That was my next question.

Yeah, it’s not like you deliver the baby and then it’s gone.

Because you still have that imbalance?

Exactly.

Exactly, yeah.

So then what do you do for that?  Just keep getting adjusted?

Well, it should clear.  If you’re getting adjusted, it should help clear it up while pregnant.  So I guess what we’re saying is, you should get checked if it’s happening.

I mean, it’s definitely like you have to retrain that pelvic imbalance somehow, and you do that through chiropractic adjustments or through exercises, through physical therapy, sutff like that.

Yeah.  PT floor rehab, yeah.

Probably a combination of both, right?

Right.  If you do it all, then you probably have best outcomes. 

Yeah, I don’t think we understand how important the pelvic floor is, and all we’ve learned is Kegels.  That’s not necessarily even a good thing to think.  When I saw a physical therapist for pelvic floor issues specifically, I was, like, that makes so much sense!  Even just the way we breathe; I didn’t know that my diaphragm was part of — what would that be?  The top?  The diaphragm is the top of your pelvic floor?

Yeah.  It’s the top of your —

Like the space?  I guess I can’t say top of the floor.  Your pelvic floor is the floor.

Your intrabdominal space.  So it’s like the lid, and then your pelvic floor is the bottom.  But it’s a big airtight balloon, pretty much, so when you breathe, it affects everything.  But pelvic floor is an issue that we don’t talk about, really, with women in birth, but it’s a huge thing.  Every woman who pushes out a baby has pelvic floor issues.  Every woman who has a C-section has pelvic floor issues because those are attached to your abdominals, too.  So, really, every woman should be getting some kind of rehab on pelvic floor after birth.  That’s my soapbox!

I’m in these group exercise classes, and every woman is, like, oh, jumping jacks.  I’m going to pee my pants!  I had one friend who was, like, I was working out and I didn’t know if it was sweat or I had peed my pants!  Yeah.  I get it!

Well, pelvic floor and core strength, too, are both things that get overlooked with women after pregnancy, and then we see women with back pain later, and it’s because their core is so weak.  So, really, we’re just promoting physical therapy pelvic floor rehab.  It’s what needs to be done.

And chiropractic care.  Retraining all that neurology is important.

I think even just learning about it!  I’ve done yoga classes forever, and they will say, like, during this pose, tighten your pelvic floor.  I’m, like, what the hell are they talking about?  What?  How do I do that?  But now after learning that even breathing is different and the feeling of — I hate saying Kegel because it’s not even what it is, but I guess that is the feeling of what you would do to stop your pee, but doing that during certain exercises is a whole different feeling, but I think now that I’m conscious of it, I’m, like, oh, that makes sense.  Oh, I can do that here.  Okay.  It’s gotten a lot better, but I still can’t do jumping jacks.

See?  The jumping jacks!  I don’t do them either.  They’re like, do jumping jacks to warm up, and I’m like… No.

I do the ones where I just put my hands up.  I just kick my leg out.  I’m fine with it!

It’s what everyone’s doing!  They call those jumping jills.

Is there anything else pregnant or postpartum women need to know about symphysis pubis dysfunction?

It’s not something that you need to suffer through.  There’s a lot of chiropractic studies where it helps in a lot of case studies, but also, biomechanically, it makes sense.  You don’t have to feel like you can’t walk up the stairs or sit or that you have to be in a lot of pain when you’re trying to sleep.  Find out you’re pregnant and get under care.  That’s really what we tell people. 

Tell people where to find you!

We are in East Town in the Kingsley Building right next to Gold Coast Doulas, or you can find us at our website or on Facebook and Instagram.  You can message us on those platforms.

Well, as always, thanks!  We’ll have you on again soon!

 

Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction with Rise Wellness Chiropractic: Podcast Episode #90 Read More »

The Millennial Guru

Saving for Baby: Podcast Episode #88

Kristin talks to Paige, The Millennial Guru, again today about how to financially prepare for growing your family!  You can listen to this complete podcast episode on iTunes or SoundCloud.

Kristin:  Welcome to Ask the Doulas with Gold Coast Doulas.  I’m Kristin, co-owner of Gold Coast, and I’ve got Paige Cornetet, the Millennial Guru, here with me for our second episode on financial tips.  This one is focused on, once you’ve had your baby, how to really stock savings and plan ahead and make important financial decisions.  So welcome, Paige!

Paige:  Thank you!  Thanks for having me on!

Kristin:  Yes, it’s our pleasure!  Fill us in, for those who missed the previous episode, a bit about what you do, and then we’ll get into your ideas for how our clients and audience can save.

Paige:  Perfect, thank you.  I started the business Millennial Guru, and basically, I do workshops and trainings focused on women as well as millennials.  I’ve written a couple of children books focused on financial education.

Kristin:  Fantastic.  Yeah, I love your books, and you’ve got another one coming out?

Paige:  Yes.  This one’s called The Hen in the Pen, and it’s all about investments and understanding the difference when you eat your chickens, when you eat your eggs, and if you eat all your chickens, you don’t have anymore eggs left, so focusing on eating your chickens because they provide for your lifestyle and growing your flock of chickens.

Kristin:  I love it!  I can’t wait for it to come out.  So tips — okay, so baby is here, and children are expensive?

Paige:  What?!  Yes, very!

Kristin:  So let us know what you would recommend for our audience.

Paige:  Oh, my gosh.  I mean, that’s a good question; that’s a big question.  I would say tips for moms: I think it’s really important to definitely have, like we talked about before on the previous episode — margin.  So understanding that cushion of what it is, how much that you need for a rainy day fund, whether it’s an emergency or something that the baby needs that you didn’t know that you were going to need and they didn’t get it at your baby shower, whatever it is.  Understanding what are the necessities, and then taking it even further, around the wants and needs.  So understanding what is it that you need; what is it that your baby needs; what is it that your family needs, and then what is it that you want?  What is it that your baby wants?  And what is it that your family wants?  Kind of differentiating those two, I think, makes a big difference.

Kristin:  Sure.  And they’re all the decisions of, do you leave your job and stay home with the baby, or do you look at in-home or a childcare center for daycare, and how do you maximize your income if you do return to work when all this money is going out for childcare, and what is the best situation for your family?

Paige:  Totally.

Kristin:  Short-term and then long-term.

Paige:  Well, and I think you have to be honest with yourself, as well.  I have a lot of friends who are having babies, and they’re either going back to work or leaving work and figuring out what that is, what that means to them.  And I think that, as well as, yeah, your personal desires on top of, you know, what is it that you can afford, whether it’s daycare, whether it’s staying home, and how does that look for you?  But I think being honest is the first step with yourself.  And then on top of that is, what is it that you want, and what is it that you need?  How do you need to provide for that desire?

Kristin:  Yes.  And then planning for college and other expenses and even — I mean, my kids are in sports and other activities, like theater, and all of the activities get pricey.  My daughter started dance at age two, for example, and so you think of those expenses, and are you going to limit activities for children?  What are you willing to budget for activities, sports, and so on?

Paige:  Absolutely.  Well, it’s interesting you say that about activities.  My family had a saying.  It was called GUTS, and it stood for Golf, U Pick, Tennis, and Swimming.  So those were the four activities that we were allowed to do, so golf, tennis, and swimming are things you can do until you’re 80, so they’re life-long sports.  Even if you don’t play it, you still have to learn it and do it.  And then the u-pick was just, whatever it is that you wanted.  So I loved dance.  I loved ballet; I loved jazz.  And I had to do it.  So even though it was u-pick, since there was four of us, my dad was, like, well, your sister has to do it with you, too, in terms of coordination and carpool and schedules.  It’s time and money.

Kristin:  That’s what it’s all about, yes.

Paige:  My sister, Brooke, she didn’t love dance as much as I did, but she did love the vending machine that gave candy at the bottom of it, so I was able to convince her to do one more year because there was skittles and candy that we could get right after.  Her want was candy; mine was dance.

Kristin:  It’s all about compromise.

Paige:  Exactly.

Kristin:  And then looking at other things outside of kids’ activities and just — you had talked in the previous podcast about maximizing your time, talents, energy, and so on.  So outsourcing your household things, whether it’s getting your groceries delivered by Shipt or having a housecleaner come in, or a postpartum doula, which I highly recommend!  Get some sleep!  What are your priorities?  So tell us about some of your theories in maximizing and how to figure out what might be more beneficial to outsource.

Paige:  Yeah.  I think just the things that you mentioned are really great, but understanding what is it that takes you a lot of time and what are the things that you don’t like to do that you can outsource?  So I would say, yeah, I love the grocery delivery.  If you want to work out, too, who is going to take the baby so that you can be physically active, or is there a place like the gym that you can bring your baby to so that you can work out while the baby’s there?  So I think figuring out what are your lists of goals; what are the things you need?  Definitely sleep!  Number one is sleep, and then we can talk about food and physical activity.  It’s understanding that, what that is that you need, and then going, okay, so if I need sleep, let’s hire a doula so that mom can get some rest.  Okay, now that I have the sleep — food.  I need healthy food.  Using outsourcing; people bringing food, meals.  Communities, whatnot; Shipt.

Kristin:  Yeah, special food delivery services that are local, as well as national, that you can get food delivered to your door, which is also a time saver, and if you can get specialty diet needs because a lot of people may need to cut out dairy or have certain allergies if they’re breastfeeding their baby and need to make some adjustments to their regular diet.

Paige:  Exactly.

Kristin:  So other than that, what are your other tips when you’re looking at — you’ve got this baby.  I mean, there’s college, obviously.  That’s a big one.

Paige:  Yes.  Well, I would say education, just in general, is an important one to be thinking about because, okay, they’re going to preschool.  Now they’re in middle school.  All those different levels of schooling, and what does that look like?  Where do you live?  For example, Michigan has a really great public school system.  Where I grew up, Florida, does not.  So what does that look like where you live, the state?  What works for you?  Would you want to send your kid to, like, a Montessori — I grew up there, so I’m a big fan of Montessori — and if you do, what does that look like?  So I think education is definitely a priority and planning for that, as well as just, not only education for paying for that, but education for your child from you because you are a teacher, as well, to your children.  And so are there things that you want to teach your child?  For example, I just have coffee this morning with a good friend.  She has a two-year-old, and she’s, like, what is education?  I want my daughter to go to a great college and — but she’s like, but I want her to have access to a lot of experiences like they’re going to spend a month and a half in Hawaii with her brother to really understand — and she’s like, I’m bringing my daughter with me.  I’m so excited because it’s important for her to see the world is bigger than just West Michigan where she lives.  So education, I think, in the whole sense of the word, is definitely very important on many levels for your children.

Kristin:  It’s not just planning for college.  You’re looking at, will it be a private or parochial school that you need to reserve funds for, or is music education?  You would lump that into the education category?  Same as sporting activities, for example?

Paige:  Yes, as well as experiences, too, right?  So let’s say travel is very important to you and you want that to be important to your children.  Are you going to be providing for those experiences that are very educational but maybe aren’t necessarily around schooling?

Kristin:  So when you’re planning your family budget, how does all of that fit in?

Paige:  Well, I think it depends on each family, of course.  So each family has, you know, from different jobs, different means, different lifestyles, different priorities.  But the one thing that we all have in common is time.  So we all have that equally, and I think that understanding where is the time going and what is it that your children are going to be doing?  For example, like you said, different sports; activities.  What’s important to you?  What’s important to the child?  What’s important to give them exposure to?  And then I think if you can do that and set that overarching as a bigger picture, it kind of will fall into place and you can start planning for that more strategically.

Kristin:  So how can people connect with you individually if they want to set up a planning session or hear you speak?  You have many appearances with your book releases coming out and so on.

Paige:  They can email me at paige@millennialguru.com.  Or you can call me and contact me at 616-443-1000.  Or they can go to my website or any social media, Millennial Guru.

Kristin:  Thank you so much for being on!

Paige:  Thank you!  Thanks for having me!

 

Saving for Baby: Podcast Episode #88 Read More »

The Millennial Guru

The Millennial Guru: Podcast Episode #87

Paige, The Millennial Guru, shares some savvy saving tips to help you think about priorities, wants, and needs and how to budget for them.  You can listen to this complete podcast episode on iTunes or SoundCloud.

Kristin:  Welcome to Ask the Doulas with Gold Coast Doulas.  I’m Kristin, co-owner, and I’m here today with Paige Cornetet, and she is known as the Millennial Guru.  Welcome, Paige!

Paige:  Thank you!  So excited to be on the show today!

Kristin:  Yes!  Tell us about why you started Millennial Guru.  You’re also an author.  Fill us in, since you’re a local Grand Rapids resident and business owner.

Paige:  Absolutely!  So I started the business with the intent in mind of how to help  my generation.  I’m a Millennial, too, so full disclosure, I’m a Millennial helping the Millennials.  It was about how to help my generation understand themselves and dive in a little bit further, as well as teams.  Obviously, when you get out of college, you get a job and you go to work, and you work with a different type of generation of people, so yourself, as well as different generations, and kind of how to bridge that gap with the different generations.  What does that look like with different technology, with different concepts, with different philosophies.  I think the most important thing with who I work with is starting with yourself.  Who are you?  What are your talents?  What are you good at?  Then, once you understand that fully, how can you express that to your team and understand your team members and their talents.

Kristin:  I love that!

Paige:  You, yourself, is kind of the thought and the basis of the philosophy for my business.  Then it kind of led into not only understanding yourself but also understanding your wealth.  Those kind of go hand in hand.  I wrote a bunch of different children’s books, and it was really fun.  It was with the intent of, okay, so I’m helping my generation understand about themselves and also about their wealth and that the themes are and the concepts and the understanding.  Then I was thinking, how can I help the even younger generation, the kids, the little guy, understand at even an earlier age.  They’re not going to necessarily understand themselves yet, but they can understand themes and concepts of their wealth or their future wealth.

Kristin:  My kids have one of your books, and they love it!

Paige:  Yay!

Kristin:  So as far as focus, how can people who are local to you connect and figure out, even if they’re not ready to have kids, maybe how to plan for their future of wanting a family, wanting a house/

Paige:  Yes!  First of all they can connect on the website or my email, paige@millennialguru.com.

Kristin:  And you’re very active on social media.  They can find you on Instagram, Facebook, everywhere.

Paige:  Exactly, all of the above.  I think that, first of all, they can connect with me, and then we can have a bunch of different conversations.  I do workshops, on top of that.  It’s understanding first what you’re good at and what that looks like for you.  So, for example, one of my talents is Maximizer.  I love doing many things at once, meaning killing many birds with one stone.  That’s the high pressure life, and how I do things is make sure that I’m covering a lot of things.  It’s kind of for the greater good, the excellent.  So I bring that to my business and also my personal life, as well.  So when I’m investing, I want to maximize my return.  I always want to maximize; what is the best way that I can do it to get the most out of it?  That’s how I do things, including my goalsetting.  As an example of a big goal, I have three siblings, and I wanted to go on a trip with them each individually this year, which is a lot of trips.  My 30th birthday is coming up, and so I thought what if I can just do a whole sibling trip and we can all go together and I can check all those boxes off at once?  We’re about ready to do that.  We’re going on a safari in Africa, the four of us together, soon.  That’s an example of how understanding yourself and how you approach things can apply to you professionally, to your goals, your personal goals, your business goals, and to your future financial planning goals.

Kristin:  What are your priorities?  If travel is a priority before having children, how do you save for that and craft out the time in a busy work schedule?  Life in general is busy.

Paige:  What?  It is?

Kristin:  Right?  And then saving for a family if that’s something they desire, as well as checking off those boxes of travel and things that they want to get accomplished.

Paige:  Absolutely, and I think you said that really great.  Priorities means establishing what are your wants and what are your needs.  Once you have the needs covered for you, you also have to think about the needs when you have a family.  What are the needs for the kids?  What do they need?  What are their wants?  First, if you can do it with yourself: what do I want?  What do I need?  Planning financially for that will help make it easier going forward when you do have a family and you have kids.  It’s like, okay.  Do I want those really cute little baby shoes for them, or do they actually need them?  They’re really cute and they’re Instagrammable, so…

Kristin:  So much of life right now is the Instagram filters and photos!

Paige:  And they do grow, so eventually, they probably won’t need those shoes.  It’s things like that.

Kristin:  And you also travel quite a bit.  We have listeners from all around the country, and you do workshops and speaking engagements?

Paige:  Yeah.  It depends on who and what and how and also where, but I’m mostly in Eastern standard time.  That’s kind of where I stick myself a lot.  It’s a little bit easier for myself.  Again, my Maximizer can’t help it.  Let’s just stay in the same time zone so that I don’t have to catch up on sleep!  But yes, I’m all over.  I do a lot of speaking engagements and workshops, mostly focused around yourself and your wealth.

Kristin:  And we had talked ab bit when we met up for coffee recently.  You do some strategy session for entrepreneurs like myself and helping small businesses maximize their wealth, personally and for the business itself.

Paige:  Absolutely.  It’s interesting that you say that because I’ve been thinking about that a lot as myself being an entrepreneur.  Where is my margin?  Where is that space where I can have creative development for that, and where is the space that I can have financially, as well?  So the margin has been kind of at the forefront of helping entrepreneurs.  Where is that cushion — and margin is the word that I use for it, but you could use a lot of different words — of financially, and so feeling that way or distributing or redistributing things, as well as your time and energy as an entrepreneur.  Are you doing it all?

Kristin:  Yes, or can you outsource?

Paige:  And that goes back to families, too, right?  If there are certain things when you’re having kids or having a family, what can you outsource?  Who can you use to rely on, if it’s a community or if it’s grandparents.  Extra set of hands!

Kristin:  Yes, we’ll have to talk about some of that outsourcing for families in our next episode.  We’ll have you on to talk a bit more about savings when you have a newborn.  And again, if people are interested, they can find you at your website.

Paige:  Thank you so much!

Kristin:  Yeah!  Thanks for being on!

 

The Millennial Guru: Podcast Episode #87 Read More »

Certified B Corporation

What is a B Corp? Podcast Episode #86

Today Kristin talks to Hanna from Local First about what it means to be Certified B Corporation and how it impacts our community.  Gold Coast Doulas is the area’s most recent B Corp!  You can listen to this complete podcast episode on iTunes or SoundCloud.

Kristin:  Welcome to Ask the Doulas with Gold Coast Doulas.  I’m Kristin, co-owner of Gold Coast, and I’ve got Hanna Schultz here with me.  She’s from Local First, and we’re going to be talking about B Corp business today.  Welcome, Hanna!

Hanna:  Thank you so much for having me!

Kristin:  Thanks for being here!  So we have partnered with you.  We’ve been a Local First member from the day we started Gold Coast, but we’ve been working with you over the years, initially becoming a Good for Michigan business, and now we’re so excited to be a certified B Corp business.  I’d love to hear your involvement in the process and why B Corps matter.

Hanna:  Absolutely.  Local First started about 15 years ago.  The organization was born about 15 years ago, and through the years, we have really seen, and the statistics support, that local businesses are better for the community in a lot of different ways, based on every indicator: environmentally, socially, and the way that businesses give back to the community.  So we’ve leaned into that, those studies, and what we’ve seen with our Local First businesses, and like you had mentioned, we sort of created this program that we call Good for Michigan, helping businesses to really track their metrics around their environment, social, and community sustainability.  We want businesses to success financially, and we see the connection between businesses that give back to the community and treat their employees well and also are conscientious about how they consume from the environment or what they put back into the environment.  We see the connection between those things and a healthy business financially, so we have created programs to help businesses track those metrics.  Through that work, we’ve also created a very strong partnership with a nonprofit called B Lab, and that is a nonprofit that certifies B Corps, like you mentioned.  Gold Coast is Michigan’s newest certified B Corporation.  There are 22 in the state now, which we are really excited about.

Kristin:  It’s growing!  It’s so exciting!

Hanna:  Congratulations!  Local First and the Good for Michigan program are a Be Local community here in Michigan, so if any business is interested in going through the certification process for B Corp, they can come to us to get some assistance or to be connected into resources to help them through that certification process.

Kristin:  And we started with a Quick Impact Assessment to see where we scored, areas we could improve, and then sat down with you when we knew our goal was to become a B Corp.  We were learning how we can work on our environmental impact, our community service, governance, and all of the different categories.

Hanna:  Absolutely, and the Quick Impact Assessment is a very helpful tool for businesses to start out with because it’s free.  It’s a relatively easy way to just sort of check out and see what questions are going to arise around your business, depending on the size of the business and the sector of business that you’re in.  Gold Coast Doulas would not take the same exact assessment as a law firm or as a restaurant, for instance.  The assessment kind of auto-generates based on the category that you self-select into.  The Quick Impact Assessment is a good way to get a snapshot of what a larger assessment could look like and give you an idea of where the low-hanging fruit might be, for instance, around, well, we don’t have a recycling program in our office yet, but we could probably do that.  Then Local First and Good for Michigan can help tie you into the resources in the community that can help you get there.  West Michigan, in particular, which is where the work has started — we’ve started to scale across the state now, but West Michigan in particular is so rich in resources; specifically nonprofit resources, to help businesses kind of improve those different impact area.  So there are organizations that can help you implement a recycling or composting program.  There are resources that can help you check your energy efficiency and save money in those ways.  There are also organizations that can help you with your employment to be a conscientious employer around benefits and salaries and cultural competency, which is something that is really relevant in our community.  There are resources that we have curated through our website and in other ways to help businesses connect into those services that will cost them either very little or are free in the community so businesses can focus on spending the time to do the work and not worry about having to gather the resources financially to put into it.  There are ways; there are certainly things you can do if you have the resources, but if you don’t and you’re really just interested in doing the best work that you can afford to do, we’ve helped businesses along that spectrum as well.

Kristin:  We’ve certainly appreciated all of the support and help you’ve given to us!  I would say the biggest learning experience for me in the six-month process of becoming certified was that, really, I have always prided ourselves on shopping local and looking at our vendors, but to become a B Corp, there’s so much documentation as part of that process and things that you don’t really even think of doing, like checking where do they get their t-shirts from, and are things ethically sources, and it’s more than just supporting local businesses.  It’s looking at where their suppliers are, where the sourcing is, and thinking that you live in — your business is located in a sustainable building, but what can you do beyond that, and how are you tracking your energy usage and efficiency?  It was eye-opening to me, going through the process and knowing how we can do better in the future because it’s a three-year certification process, so we have documentation.  Just getting certified is a continuous process to become certified, and again, you have a lot of businesses that have been long-time B Corps and they have gone through that recertification process.

Hanna:  Yeah, and I think one of the unique things about B Corp certification that is different, because I think as a business owner there are a number of different certifications out there, and you can look and see what fits your business best so that you can really signal your values as a business.  I think something that’s becoming more and more prevalent is that consumers are supporting businesses that signal values that mirror theirs, so being able to say, hey, we’re a responsible business.  Maybe it’s LEED certified.  There are some that you see that are all over the place, and something that we see value in B Corp, particularly, is because the process is so rigorous and because you have to recertify every three years, which I think at times there is a challenge around whether a business or an organization might certify and then say, cool, we got the stamp of approval and now we’re done.  We don’t have to kind of do this work.  And you and I have had this discussion that it’s a constant process to continue improving and learning.  We as individuals need to constantly improve and learn how we can be better stewards to our community and to our relationships and to the earth, and as a business, it’s the same.  It’s a living, breathing thing, and it can constantly be improving and constantly be in touch with how to better walk out those values.  The B Corp certification changes.  You’ll take a different assessment in three years when you do recertify.  Some things will slightly shift.  They’ll expect you to have made improvements.  When you do recertify, then you’ll be able to say, we’re not sitting on our laurels.  Gold Coast has been doing this work.  We’re working hard towards improving on all of our indicators, and that’s something that we find very meaningful.  That said, it’s an arduous process, and it takes a lot of time and it takes a lot of energy.  I think it’s that much more satisfying when you do get there, but what we’re trying to do also as this B Local — so I put B Local sort of in finger quotes because it is a designation.  It’s not like we almost have our own seal as Local First and Good for Michigan.  We have our own designation as the convener of the Michigan B Corps, and what we’re trying to do with that designation is really provide what we call a community of practice around B Corp.  When we started this relationship with B Lab and with the B Corp community, there were three B Corps in West Michigan, and this was about five years ago, six years ago now.  And we’ve grown to over 20.  So we’ve taken that time — and certainly, I mean, part of this is because the movement has grown and the recognition has grown and the return on the investment of time, then, is growing because more people know what B Corps are and are using that to make their decisions around purchasing.  I also like to think that we had something to do with it.

Kristin:  I would say so.  I mean, that’s how I became passionate about it is talking to your team.

Hanna:  Yeah, and we are hoping that we can connect the B Corps that have taken the time to certify and have put the resources into certification so that there is this community of 20 business owners, in theory, and they have — most of our B Corps in the community have a disaggregated structure of leadership, as well, so they usually have a number of staff that really are integral in the process, and that changes, obviously, depending on the size, and we have different sizes of B Corps in Michigan, as well, but we try to pull those folks together and keep those connections very close so that if you wanted to reach out to somebody at Brewery Vivant, for instance, or Cascade Engineering, or even in Ann Arbor, we have Revalue, which is an interesting organization that we’re doing some work in the Ann Arbor area, and you could call them up or we could make an introduction, and then there is this kind of collaborative spirit around, hey, I’m struggling with this; how have you seen your improvement along these lines?  I don’t know how I’m going to convince, for instance, my office of six people to recycle because it’s just not anybody’s habit; I have no idea how this is going to work.  How do I talk them into it?  How did you talk them into it?  There’s sort of this conversation that happens and this mentorship, collaborative, community of practice spirit that happens in those rooms when the walls come down and everybody’s vulnerable and saying, hey, I’m really struggling with this, or hey, I’d really love to pay my staff a living wage, but I have no idea how I’m going to do it.  Or I’d really love to provide a 401(k) for my staff, but I just don’t know what that’s going to look like.  How do I provide the training for people?  How do I have conversations about appropriate workplace interactions or cultural competency in the workplace or making sure that my staff is being respectful to one another regardless of background, race, religion, sex, et cetera.  How do we have those difficult conversations?  And you, as the newest B Corp, the owner of the newest B Corp in Michigan, you will be invited to our next CEO peer circle, and that is where we sit around the table and we kind of have these lightly-facilitated, completely confidential, very vulnerable conversations around, like, what are we going through as a community of businesses that are intentionally-minded and wanting to, again, really signal those values, and how can we help each other?  That’s been pretty powerful.

Kristin:  I love that!  It’s great to have that support and be able to look at best practices, and you also — even for businesses that aren’t intending to become B Corps, you have a lot of seminars in the area and you can learn about different topics every time, but you had one today that I missed.  Tell us about some of the seminars that you put on that the public would be invited to or Local First members.

Hanna:  Any businesses — if you’re not a Local First member, you don’t have to be to attend those workshops, and they typically cost no more than $15 or $20, so we try to keep them really inexpensive, but today, we actually  had a workshop about how to be having intelligent — let’s see, it was the psychology around intelligent conversations, so we brought in an expert and a local business owner to specializes in this psychology of having difficult conversations in the workplace and interacting with staff and customers in a way that is emotionally intelligent, is making sure that you’re providing what you need to your employees that helps, ideally, keep those employees around, keep them happy, keep them productive and doing their best, bringing their best selves and their full selves to work.  Something that we’re seeing across the board in the business community is a challenge around retention.  Really having a hard time holding on to super talented folks, and it’s one of those sort of double-edged swords, right, because that’s an indicator of low unemployment rate, and obviously, we know that we have some work to do in Grand Rapids around employment in certain communities, but if we set that aside for a moment and say, we really want to just build teams that have a lot of talent, and as a business owner, we want to honor that talent and make sure that it’s being fostered and making sure that it’s being developed, and how to do that is to really be a mindful employer and have conversations with your staff; keep connected; keep creating a culture that they can show up as their full selves to work and bring with them what they need to bring with them and that you’re helping them foster their creativity and foster their loyalty, too, to your company and grow as a person and as an employee.  So that is what the workshop today was about, and then we usually have workshops every month or every other month.  All of this you would find on our website or on our Facebook page, but they are based on, frankly, the conversations we’re having with business owners in the community.  Some of it’s driven by our B Corp businesses that say, hey, we’re seeing these trends, or our Local First membership; hey, we’re seeing these trends or these are the things we’d like to learn about.

Kristin:  We’ve had even tours of facilities, and we’ve had so many different topics.

Hanna:  Thank you, yeah.  We had an electronic recycling.  Valley City Electronics is a B Corp in the community, and they help businesses recycle their electronics, which is not something that a whole lot of people know about, but it’s this really wonderful service that we have here in town, and it’s also a place where you can go and get a used, refurbished laptop if you need to provide that for one of your stuff.  There’s all these ways that they give back to the community, as well, but we use the data that we’re able to drive from the Quick Impact Assessment that we were talking about earlier, that short assessment.  If you’d prefer to keep all of your information to yourself, you do not need to share the data with Local First or Good for Michigan, but if you want to be transparent about your impact, then you can share that with us, and we simply use that as an aggregate data collection so that we can help decide what these workshops are going to look like; where the gaps are; what our community needs in terms of education around these impact areas.  Then we put the series together based on all of those factors.  We’re currently actually working on our 2020 workshop series as we speak.

Kristin:  Can’t wait to hear what you’ve got lined up!  So B Corp, for those who don’t fully understand what it is, the short summary is, profit with a purpose.  So it’s a way for a business like ours to be able to give back without having a nonprofit arm.  Our passion is to help low income women, but we have to charge a living wage and cannot necessarily serve them as doulas, so we do a lot of community education, volunteering, giving money financially to organizations that support low-income women and families.  Our diaper drive would be an example of that.  So how would you, for those of our listeners and clients who have no idea what a B Corp is and why Gold Coast should be interested, can you help me fill them in?

Hanna:  Absolutely.  You know, I think those examples about Gold Coast sort of signaling — again, back to that signaling of values as a business.  These are things that we’re seeing are really helping businesses grow their customer base.  I mean, frankly, at the end of the day, a for-profit business needs to make money in order to exist.  And the argument that we would present as an organization that advocates for B Corp certification is that walking out your values and really putting intentional effort towards not only documenting what you’re doing as a business but also verifying, having this third-party verified signal of, we’re doing this work – there is a return on that investment.  There is financial growth and sustainability in that model, and we believe that B Corp is the most holistic measurement, the most holistic certification, out there that shows that not only are you as a business being a good steward to the environment, but you’re also treating your employees well, and you’re also giving back to the community.  The standards are high.  As a B Corp — as a consumer that maybe hasn’t heard of B Corp or as a consumer that is looking at all of the potential choices that I have when spending my money, regardless of whether o not I have very little or if I have a huge amount of money to spend, we make a decision every time we spend money.  When I have additional information around, oh, this business is B Corp — that means to me that I’m spending my money in a place that matters, and that money is going to go back to my local community, or that money is going to go to help families and low-income women.  That’s something that I’m very passionate about personally, and that’s how I’m going to vote with my dollar is I’m going to use my resources to push money into doing good in the world.  This is something that, if you see the B Corp Certified seal on a business — for instance, when you go to your local grocery store and you see 7th Generation or Method, those are — like if you were going to be buying laundry detergent or something — you’ll see on the back that there’s a B Corp seal, and that’s something where you can think, okay, I’m buying a $10 jug of laundry detergent, but I know that there are certain environment standards around their brand, and their employees are being treated a certain kind of a way.  Or a clothing brand; I know that whatever manufacturing standards this clothing brand is using, I can feel good about where this came from.

Kristin:  Yeah, their sourcing is obviously good.

Hanna:  Yeah, and again, the standards and the assessment itself generates based on what type of business it is, but you can be sure that that business has gone through something very vigorous and has jumped through a lot of hoops to maintain that certification, so it’s just a way to know that you’re making an impact with the money that you’re spending, and that’s something that resonates with me.  I think that’s something that resonates with a growing number of consumers and business owners, because as a business owner, you also consume from other businesses.  So to have that shared value statement, I think is really important.

Kristin:  And certainly many of our clients are millennials, and I feel like millennials want to give their money to companies that are giving back and have a purpose and meaning beyond just your standard profit focus.

Hanna:  Yeah.  Again, a huge piece of what economic development is all about, and as an employee of Local First, I can say that local development and local economic development is something that’s important to us, and equitable economic development is something that’s really paramount to us.  You’re right; the consumer statistics support what we’re saying, what you’re saying.  Millennials and people who are coming up into wealth and coming into influence are making their decisions based on a lot of the values alignment.  You’ll see that when you click on the news and there’s some sort of boycott here or there, or this business CEO makes a decision that negatively impacts their workers or the environment, and there’s a reaction to that in terms of their customer base.  And so you’ll see that, regardless of where your personal values lie; you’ll see that decisions are being made based on those values of the business, and I think that’s happening more now.  The statistics are supporting that that’s happening more now than it has in the past, so it’s becoming very valuable from a financial sustainability standpoint for businesses to signal those values and to put as much intentionality around how they’re showing up in the community and in the world as they possibly can.

Kristin:  Right.  And as far as our industry, we are the first birth-related business.  We’re not a retail space; we don’t manufacture anything.  We’re service, and the process was unique for us because we don’t have employees.  We have subcontractors who are business owners of their own, so that part, too, was how do we really focus on being good for employees when we have two owners, my business partner Alyssa and myself, and then subcontractors?  But we are good for them; we give them opportunities; we’ve done disability trainings that are optional for our team, as well as PRIDE has come in and did an LGBTQI training for us, and we’ve done Empathy with Healthcare Professionals through Mothership, so we’ve tried to use that overarching philosophy even though we don’t, at this point, have employees.  Someday, I’m sure we will.

Hanna:  And I think, too, because this movement — B Lab, the nonprofit that certifies B Corps, has been around for twelve years, I think, roughly, and the movement is growing, and it’s grown very quickly.  But that doesn’t mean that they don’t encounter new business models.  They’re out there working with them every day, so the cool thing about the assessment, the B Impact Assessment, is that it is always evolving.  Even another layer of connection between Local First and Good for Michigan and B Lab is that, because we are that Be Local community for the state of Michigan — so B Lab is a global organization.  B Corporation certification is a global movement.  It’s not just North America; it’s not just the United States.  It’s everywhere, which is wild to think about, and it’s wonderful to think the movement is that large, but as a Be Local in the state of Michigan, we do have a relationship with the folks that are helping to curate the assessment and how it evolves in North America, specifically, because a lot of the policies are based on the continent and based on place.  So it does change in different areas, but we get to have conversations around what’s relevant here in our place.  Culturally, what’s relevant in the United States, and we help inform how the assessment evolves a bit.  So I expect that based on your experience with B Lab and how things went and how you had to work around the uniqueness of your model while also being very adamant in saying, this is something that really matters to Gold Coast and we want to make this work — having had that interaction will help them and help inform them on how to update the process around unique models like yours.  There are very few healthcare-related B Corps, and as you can imagine because of the environmental impact of healthcare organizations and because of just the size of many of them and the uniqueness of the structure, it’s not an easy model.  We’ve also had very few in the country.  When I say we have very few, I mean in the country, in the United States.  There are also very few banks for a similar reason.  Very few banks are “locally owned,” and so those large national chain banks, the power is so disaggregated that it’s difficult to track all that data.  So that kind of brings you back to those local businesses.  They tend to have an easier time certifying as a B Corp just because of the way the decisions are made.  That doesn’t mean that a chain couldn’t become a B Corp.  Patagonia, for instance, is huge.  You’re probably familiar with the brand Patagonia.  Ben & Jerry’s, for instance.  Both those huge brands are B Corps and have been for a long time, so you see — I can’t even imagine how difficult that certification is, right?  But they put a lot of resources into it.  It’s something that’s very valuable to them.  It signals their brand identity.  For an outdoor apparel company that sort of has that hipster vibe and it’s a little bit more high end, it kind of signals this, which makes sense.  But then there’s the ice cream brand, too, and that’s something that anybody would grab off a shelf, and it doesn’t matter if I like hiking or if I prefer to Netflix and chill; whatever it is, but that’s a choice I’m making that I’m going to buy this ice cream instead of something generic coming from who knows who, what cows and whatever.  The idea that the assessment is ever-changing and it’s always signaling to the community what’s relevant to that community and to our place is really important, I think.

Kristin:  If people are interested in learning more, where should they go?

Hanna:  The best place to get started is to head to our website or follow Good for Michigan on Instagram or Facebook.  That’s going to connect you to our staff, and if you’re interested in taking the assessment, you can find it right there in the homepage for your business.  It’s totally free and totally confidential.  Or you can reach out to one of our staff and we can have a conversation with you a little bit more about what starting down the path would look like for your business.  It can be as simple as just having a conversation, taking that Quick Impact Assessment and then stopping there, or moving all the way through to B Corp certification like Gold Coast has and 22 of our other good friends here in the community.

Kristin:  Last year, I accidentally took the full B Corp assessment, thinking I was taking the Quick Impact, but that really helped me think about the process for this year.  Thanks for coming on!  We’ll have to chat again as we get further along in the process.  I know there’s a big retreat that you don’t even need to be a B Corp business to attend — the B Corp Conference?  Tell us about that!

Hanna:  B Lab puts together a conference every year they call the Champion’s Retreat, and there are a couple different tracts of the retreat.  There’s the tract that’s just for B Corp certified businesses.  There’s a tract for Be Local communities, like ours, and then I believe there is a new tract around prospecting B Corps or businesses interested in learning more about the process and how it could be beneficial to them.  This year, it’s in Los Angeles.  Last year, it was in Louisiana.  The year before that, it was in Toronto.  It was in New Orleans, and then in Toronto.  So it bops around all over the place.

Kristin:  To warmer clients so Michiganders can get out somewhere with sunshine like LA!

Hanna:  Yeah!  I’m looking forward to it.  I will be there and a few of our local B Corp CEOs and leaders will be there.  It’s not an inexpensive thing to attend, but we will be able to go and we’ll be bringing back some learning from that and hopefully be plugging it into our programming for next year, and we’re excited to be able to continue doing the work.  It’s a privilege to be able to get to work with businesses like yours and like the other businesses that are taking time out of their busy days and their passion to sort of give back and use their business as a force for good.  It’s a tagline that we like to use because we believe that business can be used as a force for good.  We’ve seen it.  We know there are folks like you that are out there doing it, and we’d really like to hold up those businesses as an example and help others follow in their footsteps.

Kristin:  Thanks for joining us today, Hanna!

 

What is a B Corp? Podcast Episode #86 Read More »

Deb Timmerman Stress Mastery

Stress Mastery: Podcast Episode #85

Deb Timmerman, RN, DAIS, CSME speaks with us today about her new certification in Stress Mastery.  What does that mean, you ask?  It’s all about learning positive ways to handle stress and actually master it, instead of letting stress take over.  Listen to see how this can help parents throughout pregnancy and postpartum.  You can listen to this complete podcast episode on Itunes or SoundCloud.

Alyssa:  Hello, welcome to Ask the Doulas Podcast.  I am Alyssa Veneklase, and I’m so excited to be talking to Deb Timmerman today.  I haven’t seen you in so long!

Deb: Hi, Alyssa, it’s great to see you, too!

Alyssa:  For a little while, we had you teaching a prenatal stress class here, and then life    and business just got kind of in the way, and we haven’t scheduled any more, but I loved that class.  You have so much good information about stress and how stress affects the body, but now you have some new certifications where you’re actually talking about how our bodies need stress to a certain extent; is that correct?

Deb:  I am.  So I think maybe the first place to start is, why the prenatal stress education?  I’m a member of the Michigan ACEs Initiative Education team, and that’s not a formal name, but a couple years ago, Michigan got some grant money to bring the ACEs study — ACEs stands for Adverse Childhood Experiences study — and the consultants who were involved in that study, they actually set up a agreement for them in Michigan to use the ACEs science to see how we could change the way we’re delivering healthcare in Michigan.  So the ACEs study is all about things that happen in childhood, like dysfunctional household, abuse, neglect, and you basically get a score for the ten questions that are on this little survey, and what they found was that the higher your score, so if these things happened to you from 0 to 18, the more likely you are to have emotional, physical, mental health issues as you age, and it even cuts time off your lifespan.  As they began to do further studies after that, they found out that some how we deal with stress actually affects our genes and is passed on when you have a baby.  That’s a long answer to that, but I think it’s really important because it’s where kids get their start, and if you don’t know about that, you can unknowingly pass on certain things to your kids.

Alyssa:  You are in this high-stress environment while pregnant.  It’s affecting your baby?

Deb:  Yes, it is.

Alyssa:  And I remember the movie.  It was called Resilience?

Deb:  It’s called Resilience, the science of stress, biology of hope. Or maybe that’s backwards; biology of stress; science of hope.  Anyway, you can find it, Resilience, and there’s a trailer out.  Yes, really interesting movie.

Alyssa:  It is.  Tell me about your new certifications and this new idea about stress.

Deb:  Okay.  I was an ACEs kid.  Out of ten, my score was six, and when I learned about that particular piece of data in my life, it clarified everything for me.

Alyssa:  And six is high?

Deb:  Six is high, yes.  Anything over four, it really increases your chances and your risk level.  So I had a lot of health issues when I was in my 40s.  I fell down a flight of stairs on my summer vacation, had a bad injury from that.  But also was extremely heavy.  I weighed 321 pounds, and I was on diabetes medication and high blood pressure pills, and I had a really high-stress job.  And my family life was nuts.  So I happened to go to a conference, a nursing conference, and heard about this, and it was like I had discovered something really critical.  It was like the missing puzzle piece for me to figure out why I reacted or had the habits that I had, and as I started to travel down that road, I became really interested in sharing that information with people because I think it’s key.  We spend a lot of money on the back side of health, taking care of chronic illness.  My thought was, wow.  This made a huge difference for me.  What if I could share that information with folks?

Alyssa:  And it’s probably worth noting that you are an RN?

Deb:  I am an RN.

Alyssa:  And that’s what you were doing in your previous life?

Deb:  I did, and I didn’t know about that particular study at that time, and I wasn’t — I mean, they cover the stress response in nursing school, but not to the point with all the brain science and all of that.  So in the last 20 years, they’ve made huge discoveries, and it’s super interesting.

Alyssa:  When did you leave the nurse world?

Deb:  Four years ago, I left the nurse world and started my own practice, but I had trained as a healing touch practitioner.  In 2009, I started that, and I don’t remember when I finished, but I was never able to use that in a private practice, but I did in my buildings.  I was a nurse manager in both of my previous jobs, and I found that when you teach people those self-care skills, it really changes your culture, and it made us care about each other.  When we care about each other, we do better with our patients and the folks that we’re charged with caring for.

Alyssa:  So you taught the other nurses or the patients?

Deb:  Eventually, we did teach nurses healing touch at the hospice, which was my last job, but there are all kinds of other really cool interventions that you can do to build capacity for stress management, and those are the things that we worked on.  You mentioned the stress certification.  I’ve been a diplomate of the American Institute of Stress for a couple years, and you get that designation based on the amount of training that you’ve had regarding stress and how you’ve used that to help other people, and at the end of last year, this little thing came in my email box, that they were doing a beta for this stress mastery educator certification, and I got invited to submit an application.  I was one of 40 people throughout the world that was chosen for beta one, and we worked with Heidi Hannah.  She’s a Ph.D. researcher and stress mastery educator and teaches at Harvard, and she has all these other amazing professors and Ph.Ds. who share this information, so I was super interested and hoped I would get selected just because I thought it would be really neat to learn from these people.  And it has been beyond my wildest expectations.

Alyssa:  What is stress mastery?

Deb:  We talk about stress management like we have to manage stress, but we actually need some stress in our life to help us grow, learn, and adapt.  And when we master something, it means that we learn to dance with it in a positive way, and we use it to fuel positive change versus working on controlling what’s going on in our life.  So I actually now help people build their capacity versus teaching them how to manage it.

Alyssa:  Build my capacity to deal with stress instead of trying to reduce it or eliminate it?

Deb:  Yeah.  The way we do that is through evidence-based practices like the healing touch that I did.  That was one thing I had under my belt, but since then, I’ve become a Tai Chi Easy Practice leader.  That’s all about Qigong breathing and moving meditation.  I’ve also gotten a certification in mindfulness and meditation.  Breathing and some of those other key interventions that we can do on a daily basis throughout our day are really what helps stop that stress reaction and helps us build that capacity.

Alyssa:  What if somebody is like you before with a really stressful job and a stressful home life?  All these stressors: you don’t want people to try to eliminate some of that?  You just want them to learn effective ways to cope?

Deb:  Well, I don’t think that you really — coping means that we have to continue to deal with it, and yes, you do have to decide what you’re going to work on first, and there are certain areas of life that you’re going to have to make some decisions about and maybe pare down, or maybe that job is really horrible for your health and it’s time for you to move on.  So we do validated stress assessments to figure out what areas of your life and out of sync and where your stress issues come from so that you can make good decisions.  Oftentimes, when you’re in the midst of it, you just know that the world is falling down around you, and you don’t have any clarity about where that stress is coming from.

Alyssa:  So how do you differ from a therapist or a counselor?  Or do you also kind of work that in?

Deb:  I would say I work in tandem with a therapist or a counselor.  I’m not going to talk to you about all the things that happened to you in your childhood.  I don’t get into all of that.  We use the ACEs screen as a way to help you recognize how your stress patterns developed and then look at the different areas that are out of balance in your life, and then I’m going to teach you how to do a daily practice to help yourself not be so triggered.  Triggers and tamers, I would look at; what are you stress triggers; how can we work with that; what kind of language are you using with yourself.  That negative stuff breeds more negativity.  How can we switch that around to help you have a more positive outlook?  I do a lot with breathwork.  It is one of the easiest ways to get that stress reaction to moderate and to get you into that rest and digest state so that you can think clearly.  The way the brain is organized, the brain’s number one job, priority one, is safety.  It’s always scanning, looking at the environment, trying to figure out how to keep you safe.  The stress reaction is what keeps you safe.  It gives you that juice, that bolt, of adrenaline to get to safety.  But when you’re stuck in that feedback loop and that’s your whole life, you really can’t think and use the part of your brain for higher executive functioning because that feedback loop kind of gets in this little track.  Do you know those people in your life, where they’re kind of stuck in that?  Things are always falling down around them.  Some of the exercises for building capacity are to be able to get that to shut off so that your brain can actually rewire and build new circuitry for that.  That’s capacity-building.

Alyssa:  Do you think everyone in general could benefit from some sort of practice?

Deb:  Absolutely.

Alyssa:  It’s not just the high anxiety, panic mode — I mean, I think we all feel it at some point, right?  So even if you don’t have it on a daily basis, you’re noticing it — like you said, what are your triggers?  So how do you — we talked a little bit about prenatal.  What about a postpartum mom who has sleep deprivation working against her, as well, and then maybe new triggers that she didn’t even know existed before, who says I don’t have time to do Tai Chi with you.  Are you crazy?  I can’t do Tai Chi and meditate.  How would you help a mom who came to you and said, what can you do for me?

Deb:  I would tell a mom like that, what did you do to take care of yourself before, and what are you doing now?  Typically, when a new baby comes in or there’s a child, they take first priority, and oftentimes, moms are trying to work and take care of this, and the demands are huge.  So first we would walk through, what are you doing now?  What did you love?  What do you have time to do?  How can we structure something so that you give yourself some attention every day?  We’ve all heard that adage, you can’t give from an empty cup.  That’s super important.  Your child, from zero to three, learns from serve and return, and you need to have the energy to show up for your child every day so that that child learns to feel safe with you, cared for, and loved.  If you don’t have that ability for your child, then you’re going to be suffering with problems further on down because your child develops anxiety, sleep issues, all those things.

Alyssa:  And what do you mean, develops from serve and return?

Deb:  Babies mimic what we do to them, the cooing, the eye movement, hugs, kisses.  That’s serve and return.  When you’re munching on your baby and nuzzling, that actually builds their neural circuitry and helps them feel safe.  It’s a normal part of development.  We used to think that babies got all their neurons and they were never going to get another one after they were born, and what you had, if you didn’t use, you would lose.  There’s a little bit of truth to that.  What gets paid attention to develops, and what doesn’t eventually kind of gets pruned away.  There’s a process actually called pruning in the brain.  But we know that neural circuitry actually develops now from our experiences and the things that happen in our world around us, so you want to create that loving, safe environment for your baby, and if you come home stressed out and you have nothing else left to give, are you doing the right thing for that child?

Alyssa:  So zero to three is really, really important?

Deb:  Very important!

Alyssa:  Into my brain is popping this video I saw where a mom gives a sad face or a mad face and the baby mimics that.  There’s an actual study, and I’m forgetting the name of it.

Deb:  I don’t know that particular study, but the Center for Child Development at Harvard does a lot with that serve and return, and they actually have a campaign going right now.  I’ll post that link on my website, and you can look at that if you’re interested.  Lots of wonderful videos about how the brain develops and why that’s so important.  Back to the mom: trying to figure out what she can do within her day to recharge her batteries is super important.  Actually, I just met with a mom this morning.  I think her little guy is four, and then she’s got one that’s maybe two.  And she said that they just went through a period of stress where their family dog was sick, and they had some financial issues, and their older one started acting out.  My question to her was, and what was going on in your household?  She said it was chaos, and then she looked at me and goes, oh, crap, he saw that, didn’t he?  So yes, that is exactly what happens.  And their job is to build a relationship with you, so if you can’t be present, they’re going to act out because they’re trying to get their needs met.

Alyssa:  They notice everything.  My daughter is six, and nothing gets by her.

Deb:  I think I saw a picture with her meditating someplace when you were off, and I thought, wow, Alyssa, that’s awesome.  What a great skill to teach your child!

Alyssa:  Well, it’s amazing even in schools now; I think they know the importance of this.  They’re teaching yoga.  They’re teaching mindfulness.  They’re teaching meditation.  And even if it’s only once a week — I never had that as a kid.

Deb:  Well, and when it becomes part of what we do as our daily practice, it becomes easy.  It becomes habit.  So then it’s not like you have to spend all this time on self-care.  You have it integrated into your day.  That’s really my job; to teach you how to discover all these different practices that might speak to you because what you love isn’t necessarily going to be what someone else loves.  Figuring that out, and then how do you work that into your day, and how do you sustain that for long term?

Alyssa:  That’s the hard part, especially as a mother.  My days are never the same, so I would love to be able to say, from 9:00 to 10:00 AM every day, I’m going to do this.  Doesn’t happen.  I mean, on top of that, I’m a business owner, too, right, so the day just gets more hairy.  But having someone say, okay, well, let’s figure out something that can work for you.  If you can’t do it at 9:00 today, let’s do it at 8:00.

Deb:  The newest research that’s out there is that you should start your day with that practice before you even hop out of bed, and my favorite go-to is a guided meditation.  It’s the thing that always made me feel really good, and it’s the thing that I teach because I love it.  There’s lots of them on YouTube, and the cool thing about YouTube is you can pick the amount of time that you have.  Maybe today you have five minutes, and tomorrow you have ten, but building that and scheduling that into your week.  And then because there’s so many different ones, you could pick the rate of speech, the kind of voice.  Like, I have one that I love at night.  It’s an Aussie guy who does a sleep thing that’s maybe 26 minutes.  I’m never awake by the end of that.  I usually wake up the next day and it’s still frozen on my iPad.  It’s wonderful.

Alyssa:  For someone who has never experienced a guided meditation, you could choose some with or without talking?  Or do they all have talking?

Deb:  A guided meditation typically is something that helps cue you by voice to pay attention to your body in the here and now, and there’s all different kinds of scripts out there, but for someone who’s just beginning, I think a breathing thing, a couple minutes of breathing, is really good, and then after you get comfortable with that, you can explore.  We know that the brain needs 10 to 20 minutes of that prime-timing in the morning, but truly, any time you can do 30 seconds or more with focused attention on that effort, it’s still beneficial to your body.

Alyssa:  My Apple watch actually does that for me.  It will tell me when to breathe.

Deb:  Yeah, it has a breathing app.  Perfect.

Alyssa:  So that alone, if I do it — most of the time, I’m somewhere that I can’t do it and I just dismiss it.

Deb:  If I was working with you to coach, I would talk about what you already have in place, and we would work on building that.  How could you work that into your day, and really, even if you’re in a meeting, you could excuse yourself, go to the restroom or whatever, if you were that committed, or reset your watch or program it so that it works around your meetings.  Those are all things that you can integrate into your day.

Alyssa:  I love it.

Deb:  It’s easy.

Alyssa:  I mean, it is.  We just find excuses of why we can’t or shouldn’t.  I just feel like we’re always full of excuses.

Deb:  Well, I think that’s what I’ve appreciated being part of this stress mastery educator process.  Heidi is wonderful at being able to package things in a way that are easy and doable.  Three steps to getting your stress mastered: assess, appreciate, adjust.  Figure out where you’re out; appreciate what you can learn; and then those tools to adjust.  And then the BFF model, so yeah, being your own best friend, but it really stands for breathe, feel, and focus.  It’s really that simple.  We make it difficult because we think it’s this thing that has to take a lot of time.  What takes time is changing the habit, but once it gets integrated, then it’s easy.

Alyssa:  And then coming full circle here, working that in to your daily practice and having your children see that as part of your practice, right?

Deb:    Yes.

Alyssa:  Because then they are like, oh, this is just something we do.

Deb:  Yes.  Last week, I actually taught teachers how to look at their own stress, a group of 20, to look at what was happening, and they got to choose the track that they wanted to be in, so at the start of the two days that we were together, why are you here?  My mother in law is driving me crazy; I need to figure out how to get hold of my stressor.  At the end of my day, I have nothing left for my family.  Starting with the ACEs piece that we talked about and recognizing how they developed the way they look at stress.  What were the patterns?  What are their triggers?  It was really beneficial for them.  Many of them have ACE training otherwise in their classrooms, but they don’t know how to apply it to their own lives.  I mentioned that puzzle piece for me.  That was it.  Okay, now that I understand how I developed it, now I can shift because I can appreciate how I got where I am and make those adjustments.  It makes it a whole lot easier than someone saying, oh, I have to do these ten things today because I have to manage my stress.  At the end of the two days, it was so fun to go around in the circle and to hear them say what they learned about their own issue and what their one takeaway was going to be and how they were going to integrate it.  You can throw out everything you’ve done and say that you have to start with ten things, but the reality is, we don’t have time for that, and it needs to be graduated.  You start with one thing, two things, three things, and pretty soon, you start to feel the shift, and then you’re motivated to do the rest of the work.  So yes, they’ll go back and model that, hopefully, for their students.

Alyssa:  For their classroom, yeah.

Deb:  I taught some interventions, some Tai Chi interventions, moving meditation, breathwork, short meditations.  You don’t have to come up with all the stuff on your own.  There are tons of resources out there.  My job is to just share those resources with you and have you pick what you want.

Alyssa:  Tell us how people find you.  I know you have a website.

Deb: Yes, and you can follow me on Facebook.  Deb Timmerman is my name.  I’m on LinkedIn.  Same thing, Deb Timmerman, RN.  And then on my website.

Alyssa:  And people can find you there?

Deb:  They can find me there.

Alyssa:  Ask questions?

Deb:  Ask questions!

Alyssa:  And set up a consult?

Deb:  Yep, sure can!

Alyssa:  Is it just kind of like booking an appointment?  And what do appointments look like — 30 minutes, 60 minutes, 20 minutes?

Deb:  I typically offer an assessment or at least a meet and greet first to find out if we’re even compatible in working together.  That’s usually a 30- or 45-minute, either online; we can do a Zoom call, or we can meet in person if you’re local over coffee, and finding out what your goals are.  What is it you hope to learn?  Why did you call me?  What’s your reason?  What’s your motivation?  And then I would recommend, based on that appointment, what I thought was a good strategy for us and how long that might take and what that would cost, and then we would work together.

Alyssa:  Excellent.  Are you covered by insurance or not?

Deb:  We are not at this point covered by insurance, but I think that’s going to change because there is a big shift with all this ACEs movement, and they’re all getting on board.  Yeah, but in terms of investment, I think — my job isn’t to stick around forever.  It’s to give you those tools so that you can go on your own, and if you need a little check-up now and again, that’s easy to do.  We offer all kinds of online resources for people, and a podcast.  There are medications on there that you can do.

Alyssa:  What’s your podcast called?

Deb:  It’s called Mindful Moments.

Alyssa:  How fitting!

Deb:  Those podcasts, there’s always a little nugget of information.  Usually, they’re short, 7 to 8 minutes, but there’s a couple that are 20, like if you need a longer relaxation and have time.

Alyssa:  I will have to look it up myself!  Thanks for sharing!

 

Stress Mastery: Podcast Episode #85 Read More »

Health for Life Grand Rapids

Preparing Your Body For Pregnancy: Podcast Episode #84

Dr. Nave now works with queens through her virtual practice Hormonal Balance.
We talk this time about how a woman can prepare her body for pregnancy.  You can listen to this complete podcast episode on iTunes or SoundCloud.

Alyssa:  Hello!  Welcome to another episode of Ask the Doulas Podcast.  You have Kristin and Alyssa here today, and we are excited to be back with Dr. Nave, the naturopathic doctor at Health for Life GR.

Dr. Nave:  Thanks for having me again!

Alyssa:  Thanks for coming again!  Last time, we had an amazing conversation about a woman’s cycle, and today, we want to talk about actually preparing your body for pregnancy.  What do you want to say?

Dr. Nave:  Well, that ideally, we would start a year ahead.

Alyssa:  One year ahead?

Dr. Nave:  One year ahead.

Kristin:  Does that mean they should be off birth control one year ahead, or would you advice getting off of an IUD or birth control pills in advance of that year?  That’s my question because that’s something that is commonly asked.

Dr. Nave:  That’s a great question.  Even though ideally I say a year, if a woman wanted to, say, get pregnant in less than a year, then I would suggest, if she’s coming off of an IUD that has hormones in it or an oral contraceptive, to stop taking it at least three months before starting to try to conceive.  That’s because the oral contraceptive and the IUD with hormones is basically producing the hormones that your body should be responsible for making, and what women often find is that once they stop using those — because, basically, it’s suppressing the body’s own production of hormones.  She’ll find that she doesn’t have a period for an extended period of time, and I would also want her to detox her body and make sure that she’s pooping regularly, that her hormones are being made at an optimal level, and basically establishing what the normal and optimal cycle should look like.

Alyssa:  So if you’re preparing your body for a year, then that means you can stop at three months?  So the three months is just a part of the year?  Twelve months ahead of time of when you would ideally like to be pregnant, you’re going to talk about what to do; but then three months before, minimum, is when you should get off a hormonal birth control pill or IUD?

Dr. Nave: Yes, because it gives your body time to normalize your cycle and it prepares your body to actually hold a baby so that it can grow.

Alyssa:  So then what do we start doing at twelve months out

Dr. Nave:  It’s basically a multifactorial approach.  It’s stopping the things that interfere with your hormones, like oral contraceptives or getting the IUD removed.  Also cleaning up her environment, so skin care products, household items, household cleaning supplies, being more environmentally aware of the things that she’s using, the foods that she’s placing into her body.

Kristin:  If she’s coloring her hair and things like that?

Dr. Nave:  Right, if she’s coloring her hair, nail polish, things like that.  And then we would also want to address nutrition.  A lot of the foods that are really accessible, like going to fast food or going to a restaurant, are foods that promote inflammation.  They tend to be higher in trans fats and refined sugars, which are all shown to increase inflammatory products in the body.  We want to reduce that by making sure that the woman is eating more whole foods.  When I say whole foods, I mean from the earth; no one processed it.  If you’re getting it frozen, that’s fine too, as long as someone didn’t already make it into a meal, so that you have more control and autonomy over what is being placed into your body.

Alyssa:  What does inflammation do to affect fertility?

Dr. Nave:  With inflammation, we have more cortisol.  We have dysregulation of blood sugar.  We have greater likelihood of mental and emotional disorders.  It wreaks havoc on us.

Alyssa:  It’s a lot of what we talked about last time with the cycles; if you’re not having a regular period, your cortisol levels could be too high, and that disrupts everything else?

Dr. Nave:  Right.

Alyssa: And inflammation kind of does the same thing to your body?

Dr. Nave:  Right, and things that can influence inflammation is not just the food that you eat, but being in a constant high stress environment and not managing that effectively or not having tools to really take care of yourself and having self-care.  Self-care is not selfish the way that people typically think of it as being, but more so, it’s nurturing.  Nurturing of yourself.  Think of the year leading up to pregnancy as rediscovering yourself, as reconnecting to who you are, and getting in the mode of, “I am ready to carry a baby to full term.  I am ready to add a new life to my life.”  It’s getting connected to that.  Also processing your past traumas.  Mental and emotional health is absolutely important with regards to getting ready to conceive.  Ideally, I wouldn’t want someone to be seeing conception as a solution to a relational issue because it probably won’t be, and it will probably exacerbate a lot of those things.  So during that year leading up, it’s dealing with your past traumas, whether they be related to a miscarriage previously; processing what happened and how it affected you, not just trucking along to get pregnant again, but really fully processing it.  Not necessarily living in it, but not pushing your emotions aside because they are valid.  Whatever you haven’t dealt with — and this is not guilt any woman by any means — but whatever we haven’t dealt with, that influences the baby.  That influences the baby’s risk for depression and anxiety.  It influences the genes and their susceptibility to different types of conditions.  In that year, by you taking care of yourself, you’re taking care of that baby in advance, as well.

Alyssa:  The baby you haven’t even had yet?

Dr. Nave:  The baby you haven’t even had yet; you haven’t even conceived yet.

Kristin:  So what if a woman is a constant dieter?  How do you handle women who are, say, on a fad diet, if they are wanting to conceive?

Dr. Nave:  I really like the book Intuitive Eating.  It’s written by two dieticians, and before mindfulness eating was a thing, these two dieticians came together, and they were like, diets don’t work.  Diets are a lie, and I completely agree with that.  If you think that, oh, I don’t have enough will power — you’re not the one failing.  The diet is failing you, because they weren’t built to work.  They’re not sustainable, at least the diets that people often purport.  Now, I would like to reclaim the term diet, because diet just means eating.

Alyssa:  What you’re eating, right?

Dr. Nave:  Right, right.  And so if you view your diet, if you view your food, as nourishing yourself, as honoring yourself, you fully immerse yourself in the experience of eating, like smelling the food.  You eat with your eyes first, so viewing it; it’s appetizing.  You smell it; you taste it.  You savor the textures that are in your mouth and the flavors that are bursting on your tongue and really immerse yourself in that and sit in that and be mindful.  Then you have a greater connection to yourself.  You are then more apt to tell when something isn’t going well.  If a woman is a fad dieter or is using food as a coping mechanism, we would then assess what is food giving you that you are not at this time receiving.  And so talking about that, having her read the Intuitive Eating book, because it goes through what type of eater are you, and reconnecting yourself to that intuitive eater, because as children — have you ever watched children eat?  They do not sit.  They get up, they eat what they want, and then they go back around and play.  At some point, we lose that ability to tell when we’re hungry or when we’re craving something and really honoring that, and intuitive eating is all about getting back to that.  SO I would definitely work with her and address, when did this first start?  What is it giving you?  What is it not giving you?  What is your motivation for doing things in this way?   Because what is encouraged by the media as what a healthy weight looks like is very cookie cutter, and I’m all about individualized care.  If you look at someone’s bone frame and they’re really thin and they have big bones and they look sick or they don’t feel well, that’s not good.

Kristin:  And then fitness is obviously a big question many of my birth doulas clients have.  What should they do in preparation?  If I was with them for the first delivery and then they want to conceive again, what would be an acceptable form of fitness as you’re trying to conceive?  What should you do to get your body ready for birth and postpartum time?

Dr. Nave:  If you’re already exercising, just maintain it.  Don’t go overboard.  Don’t become sedentary.  Moving your body at least ten minutes per day — ideally, thirty minutes, but that thirty minutes doesn’t have to be in one chunk.  Being consistent is more important than doing things really hard and really intense in a short period of time, so if she’s already exercising, just keep doing it.  You’re doing great, Mom.  Now, if she’s excessively exercising, that could be another thing that’s causing amenorrhea.

Alyssa:  Yeah, I’ve had friends who have been extreme athletes who just don’t get their period.

Dr. Nave:  Right, because all the hormones are being turned into something else as opposed to getting turned into progesterone and having adequate levels of estrogen so that you can bleed.  And I know some women are, like, oh, I didn’t bleed for a really long time and I’m so happy, but…

Alyssa:  Our bodies do this for a reason, right?  It needs to happen.

Dr. Nave:  Right, it needs to happen.  When you shed the old — think of it as shedding the old.  It’s a new month; I’m shedding the old from last month.

Alyssa:  It’s like a natural cleaning, almost.  It’s like a detoxifying — yeah, just — it seems like anything else that stores up in your body that needs to be shed can create toxic levels of something.

Dr. Nave:  Right, absolutely.  It can create adverse symptoms.  Having too much estrogen is not the best thing in the world.  Last time, we talked about estrogen dominance and how that can influence having more PMS symptoms like bloating, for instance, and being more weepy on your period.  If you’re not having your period, then you’re basically reabsorbing the estrogen and that could by your PMS looks that way.  But I digress.

Alyssa:  I have one question before we move on to whatever you want to talk about next.  Even with, like, what we’re putting on our body and our environment — so there are things that are called hormone disruptors, things that will disrupt your hormones, right, like in the products that we’re putting in and on our body?

Dr. Nave:  Yes.

Alyssa:  What do you know about that?

Dr. Nave:  Those are parabens or phthalates.  They’re actually made from crude oil, which is refined and you can get parabens and phthalates.  You get mineral oil from it; you get the gas that you put in your car from it.  All of these things come from this product.  Why parabens and phthalates are an issue is that, basically, they act like estrogens.  Then that can be part of the estrogen dominance.  It can also affect increased risk for breast cancer.  It can affect mental and emotional health because remember I said that estrogen can increase weepiness or having a lower mood on your period.  Ovarian cancer; you have an increased risk for that because it’s an exogenous estrogen.  It acts like estrogen; technically it’s not estrogen, but our bodies respond to it in that way, which can also lead to extra weight.  On the topic of weight, if you want to lose weight before getting pregnant, you would want to do that in a year before trying to conceive because with exposures to things like parabens or phthalates, which — technically, they’re solvents, so you would usually pee them out; however, if you have higher levels of them or if you’re being continuously exposed to it, our bodies store it as fat.  Then, when you’re trying to lose the weight, you’re releasing it back into your bloodstream, which can create symptoms like headaches or feeling really lethargic when trying to work out.  It’s not necessarily because you’re working too hard, but it could because your body is working on detoxifying or biotransforming these things so that they’re no longer toxic to you so you can pee it out and poop it out.

Alyssa:  So if you need to lose weight, that needs to happen before this twelve-month timeframe of detoxing before you get pregnant?

Dr. Nave:  It can happen in that twelve months.  You can start it before that because then you don’t have as much to do during the twelve months.

Alyssa:  But it should be one of the things that you’re thinking about a year ahead of time?

Dr. Nave:  Yes, because there are so many things that we use on a daily basis that, if we really thought about them, I think most of us would be scared to leave our homes, but we have to live, you know.  We need things in order to live efficiently and not work as slow, I guess.

Alyssa:  Well, if you think about the chairs we’re sitting on.  These are as eco-friendly as we could find, but the majority of them — there’s sprays on everything.  I looked at the new pajamas I got my daughter, and it said the flame retardant — it said that I can’t wash it in soap because the flame retardant will come off.  I was like, no.  I’m washing it.  I’m washing all the flame retardant off, actually.  But you don’t think about that.  My daughter needs a new nightgown.  You buy her a nightgown, and it’s covered in a chemical so that it doesn’t go into flames.

Dr. Nave:  Yeah.  Another of the things that the woman can do to help get herself ready before even consulting with a physician is that, with regards to environment medicine, opting to eat the dirty dozen — you can look at www.ewg.com, so that’s the Environmental Working Group.  The release the dirty dozen each year, and these are the fruits and vegetables that are the most heavily sprayed.  Opting to eat those things in season and organic, as opposed to nonorganic, and what that will do for you is — pesticides have solvents, which parabens and phthalates are a type of solvent, so they have some of those components to them.  By opting for organic fruits and vegetables that are on that dirty dozen, you don’t have to do all your fruits and vegetables organic.  Preferably, if they’re thin-skinned, like if you eat the skin of it, like tomatoes and strawberries and berries, you would want to opt for organic, but if not, at least the dirty dozen.  Make sure those fruits and vegetables are organic because those pesticides have the endocrine disruptors.  They’re things that affect your estrogen and your progesterone, and it’s not just those things it affects but your overall well-being.

Alyssa:  So because it’s disrupting hormones, it can affect your ability to get pregnant, but let’s say even while doing all this, you get pregnant.  It’s essentially affecting, again, your growing baby?

Dr. Nave:  Yes.

Alyssa:  Because you’re disrupting the hormones that the baby is using to grow?

Dr. Nave:  Yes.  So if you’re already pregnant, don’t freak out.  Don’t try to lose weight.  That’s one, because you’re pregnant, so your body is trying to use all the energy to make baby, as well as the fact that we don’t want to release any of the stored toxins in your fat to the baby.  What you can do is, if you’re going to eat fish, make sure it’s not one that’s high in mercury.  Avoiding things like swordfish, and if you’re going to eat tuna, make sure that — I think it’s albacore tuna, but don’t quote me on that — you can look at the Environmental Working Group, and there are other resources as well that list out the fish that are lowest in mercury.  Looking at your skin care products and, as much as you can and as much as is possible, avoiding shampoos and skin care products that have parabens or phthalates or sulfates in them.  It’s also because sulfates rub down your skin and it’s not as moisturizing.  We want you to look glowing and magnificent!  You can avoid those things in your skin care products and your household items and the food that you eat.

Kristin:  So cleaning products, obviously, as well?

Dr. Nave:  Yes, cleaning products.  And if anything has any fumes and you have to spray it, make sure that you have all the windows and doors open so it can air out.  If you get your clothes dry-cleaned and you have a garage, leaving them in the garage to off-gas before taking them into your house.  If you don’t have a garage, if you have them in a room where you can remove the plastic and open the door and let them air out so that you’re not exposing yourself to those fumes.  Just do that.  And then after the fact, then we can address those things then.

Kristin:  And then they would meet with you for a consultation preconception to try to get their body as healthy as possible?

Dr. Nave:  Yeah, and even if she is already pregnant, what can we do to maintain the pregnancy while also minimizing her exposure to these environmental toxins.  And her addressing her mental health during that time, if she hasn’t already started that process.  Is she eating adequate amount of calories?  Since we’re on the topic of nutrition, prenatal vitamins — you would start that at a year out.  A year ahead of time.

Kristin:  And, obviously, food-based versus the generic that you get at the normal doctor’s office?

Alyssa:  Yeah, you know, you get free prenatals at the pharmacy but they’re basically junk.

Dr. Nave:  We have very good-quality ones as naturopathic doctors, and I think DOs also have really high-quality ones, as well.

Alyssa:  So for somebody who can’t afford it, what are those over-the-counter free prenatals doing?  Are they doing any good?

Dr. Nave:  Yes, because they have folate and they have an adequate number of B vitamins.  It’s like a multi that’s specifically geared towards not only the mother’s health but also making sure that the baby can develop well.  Folate is the one that I’m most thinking about at this present time because folate is important for neural development, like the spinal cord.  What happens if there is insufficient or no folate is that the neural tube doesn’t close, and then that can cause spina bifida, which is a preventable condition if the mom is getting adequate vitamins.  Folate is B9.

Alyssa:  Oh, folate is a B vitamin?

Dr. Nave:  Yeah, it’s a B vitamin, so it’s a water-soluble vitamin that’s very important for the neural tube development.

Alyssa:  So my best friend found out she has this, and what’s the name — your body can’t absorb folate.

Dr. Nave:  Oh, right.  I know what you’re talking about.

Alyssa:  So she actually had a really hard time getting pregnant because she was taking too much folic acid.  But if you don’t know you have this, then…

Dr. Nave:  If you don’t know you have it, if possible, choosing a supplement that has methylated B vitamins, so methyl folate as opposed to hydroxylated folate is better.  What Alyssa was talking about is call MTHFR.  It’s methylenetetrahydrofolate reductase, so that’s an enzyme that basically, when you take in folate, for most people, they can then attach a methyl group to it, which makes it bioactive. There’s this cycle that you need methylation to occur in order to make the B vitamins active, which is important for making your red bloods cells, which is important for energy production, which is important for getting energy from your food.  B vitamins — I think of them as, like, the power house side kick.  Almost every enzyme in the body requires B vitamins.  I have this lovely chart right here that shows the citric acid pathway, basically the utilizing our food to make energy pathway, and almost every single step in here requires two or three different types of B vitamins.  There are even B vitamins that are enzymes themselves and carry things along.

Alyssa:  You love B vitamins!

Kristin:  So the free prenatals are helpful, just not…

Alyssa:  It’s better than nothing?

Dr. Nave:  Yes, it’s better than nothing, but if possible, there are different brands that we use as naturopathic doctors that you can probably try to get on Amazon, like Ortho Molecular or Integrative Therapeutic Initiative, I think is the name of it, ITI.  SO I know those are pharmaceutical-grade, and when I say that, I mean that they have enough of the vitamin.  It’s beyond the recommended dose, like what the government says this is minimally what you need, and it’s of good therapeutic value, so we know that it will do what it says it’s going to do.  They tend to have more of the methylated form, so whether the mother has a different time methylating her B vitamins, or if she doesn’t, it takes out more work for the body to do so then it can go right to where it needs to go.

Alyssa:  That’s fascinating!  Is there anything we didn’t touch on?

Dr. Nave:  I don’t think so.  We talked about environment medicine and reducing your exposure.  We talked about nutrition and making sure you’re getting enough calories.  Oh — fish oil, vitamin D3, specifically, vitamin D3, because that’s the active form, and prenatal vitamins with regard to eating whole foods.

Kristin:  We don’t get enough vitamin D in Michigan anyway, and I know that — and, again, I don’t have a medical background, but I know a lot of research on preeclampsia shows a lack of vitamin D3.

Dr. Nave:  Yes.  Another thing about preeclampsia is calcium and magnesium.  If a woman starts to experience preeclampsia, making sure that — sometimes, it’s due to an electrolyte imbalance and not getting enough protein, so we would want to look at how much protein is she getting.  The ratio that we usually look for is at least 0.8 to 1 gram of protein per kilogram of weight, so however many pounds you weight, divide your weight by 2.2, and that tells you how many kilograms, and then it’s 0.8 to 1 gram per that number that she should be getting.  If she’s getting adequate protein and has enough calcium and magnesium, then she shouldn’t get preeclampsia.  If she has a history of hypertension, making sure we’re managing that, whether naturally or if she’s taking medication, as long as it’s not one that would interfere with conception, would help to prevent it from happening.  But even if a woman experiences preeclampsia, it doesn’t automatically mean that she will get eclampsia because we can still, at that point in time, address what’s going on.

Alyssa:  Right.  Well, thank you so much.  I just feel like we could keep going and going.  You probably have 80 other topics we could talk about.  We’ll just have you back once a week!

Dr. Nave:  Oh, I’d be down for that!

Alyssa:  We’ll set up a couple more!  Well, tell our listeners where to find you if they want to reach out.

Dr. Nave:  You can find me at our website, and you can find me on Instagram, @drgaynelnavend, and I’m also on Facebook at the same handle.

Alyssa:  Great!  Thanks again!

 

Preparing Your Body For Pregnancy: Podcast Episode #84 Read More »

HypnoBirthing Story

Maddie’s Birth Story: Podcast Episode #83

Our listeners love hearing a positive birth story.  Today Maddie, a previous HypnoBirthing and Birth client, tells us all about her labor and delivery as well as her experience in the hospital right after having her baby.  You can listen to this complete podcast episode on iTunes or SoundCloud.

Kristin:  Welcome to Ask the Doulas with Gold Coast Doulas.  I’m Kristin, and I’m here today with my former birth client, Maddie, and we’re here to talk about her personal birth story.  Welcome, Maddie!

Maddie:  Thank you.  I’m glad to be here!

Kristin:  So we talked a little bit about why you chose HypnoBirthing in a previous podcast, so tell us about your birth story.  How did you know you were in labor?  Give us all the details.  I was lucky to be there!

Maddie:  Yes, it was wonderful to have you there!  I went into work on a Wednesday, and I was due July 18th, and it was July 13th.  For some reason, I just kind of thought, oh, I’ll know.  It’s not going to happen yet.  I went to work; I had a normally-scheduled weekly appointment with my midwife.  I went at 10:30, and I had been kind of grouchy all day and just felt a little off but did not think about it at all.  I’d been having practice labor for a few weeks, so I really wasn’t noticing anything different.  I went to my appointment and sat down, and she said, how are you feeling?  And then I started bawling. I said, “I just feel so confused by my body!”  And she was like, well, let’s just take a look.  How about we just take a look, and so she did an exam, and she said, girl, you’re six to seven centimeters!  And I was like, what?!  And I started crying again, and then I said, but what does that mean?  Even though I’d been through HypnoBirthing; I knew what it meant, but it was just so unexpected.  I was so far along already.  She was fantastic; she was so wonderful, and she said, well, it means you’re going to have a baby today.  Go have some lunch.  So I called my husband.  He was working, and I told him I was six to seven centimeters, and he said, well, what does that mean?  And I called my mom who was coming, and she said, but wait; what does that mean?  So we were all pretty taken off guard because it wasn’t like I had woken up and said, oh, you know, I think something’s happening.  No one was really prepared.  Hey, I’m six to seven centimeters.

Kristin:  Right, I couldn’t believe it when I got the call.  I was like, what?!

Maddie:  Yeah!  I went and got some lunch and drove myself to the hospital and parked on the fifth floor of the parking structure and waddled in.  You showed up; you were the first one, and we went up to the room.  Fortunately, since I’d already had the exam, I didn’t have to go through and wait for 20 minutes for them to monitor me or anything.

Kristin:  That’s so nice to skip triage and go right up.

Maddie:  We went up the room, and it was not bad for a really long time.  You know, my body was doing a lot of the work as far as maybe turning the baby or getting more effaced.  Having done HypnoBirthing, I knew that dilation is not the only factor that you need to pay attention to, so I was able to just kind of relax and say all right, it’s going to happen when it happens.  You were there; you did a lot of hip squeezes for me, which was really fantastic for that counter pressure, because I was having back labor.  My husband is not able to do those with his wrists, so that made a huge, huge difference.  And we just kind of hung out, and I listened to my HypnoBirthing, and I listened to some relaxing music.  My appointment was at 10:30, and he wasn’t born until 10:45, so it was a while, but…

Kristin:  But for a first-time mom, it was pretty quick, and it’s one of the few calls I get in the daytime hours.  Most of the time, I get a call at 2:00 AM or 11:00 PM.

Maddie:  Right!  Things started to get ramped up some, and then I started noticing it more, but none of it was overwhelming.  One thing that we talked about in HypnoBirthing was breaking the amniotic sac.  That’s protection for baby, so I didn’t want to do that; didn’t really feel like there was any reason to.  The contractions really weren’t bad.  The surges weren’t overly painful or overwhelming, and so my midwife worked her full day at the office and then came in.  She checked me again quite a bit later, and then she did accidentally break the amniotic sac, and then after that, things got pretty intense.

Kristin:  Yeah, that can intensify a lot!

Maddie:  Yeah! I think from the time my water broke until the baby was born was about 2 hours and 45 minutes, so doable.  I spent a lot of the time in the tub, and that felt really great.  My husband was able to just use the hand shower, and having that, the different points of pressure, I think kind of helps take your mind off of it to some extent.  The water makes it a little less intense.  I really liked to be in there.  Then we got out, she said she wanted to check me, and I was Group B Strep positive, so they wanted to do another round of antibiotics.  That had been one thing that, when I found out, I was super devastated, because I wanted to labor at home for as long as possible.  I didn’t want to have to come in before six centimeters, and we had me the plan that if I came in and I wasn’t six centimeters, I didn’t want to know what I was at.  But I would just not go home.  You could know; my husband could know, and then we could make the decision.  Let’s walk around a little bit or just not be admitted.  But because I was already six to seven centimeters, when I was checked, we went right in after I got lunch.  We went right in and got admitted, so I was able to get those antibiotics in.  Once she checked me again and broke my water, it got intense.  It was really just — I felt very internal.  You know, it was not a lot of talking, and it was — I think right after it broke, I kind of got to that point where I was like, oh, no.  I can’t do this!

Kristin:  Which most women go through with unmedicated births.  Transition!

Maddie:  Right.  However, as soon as I had that thought — I have a distinct recollection of, oh, no, I can’t do this.  No, wait – that means I’m really close.  That means I can do this.  And so then I really tried to just focus on my breathing, because we’d talked about that and learned and practiced about getting those breaths in.  And I did end up struggling with that, but having you, having my husband, having my midwife all saying, all right, this is the birth you prepared for.  You can do this.  Just take those big breaths.  Breathing and focusing on those voices helped me to kind of get back on track, get it under control.  We tried a lot of positions for delivery, which that was one big thing.  I had changed providers pretty early on from an OB who said you’re only allowed to birth on your back, and I said, I want the freedom to do whatever position feels comfortable for me and for my baby and my body.  And so I ended up doing a lot of my laboring and pushing leaning over the back of the bed on my knees, and that definitely felt like the best position for me.  We tried on the side with the peanut ball.

Kristin: I remember trying a lot of different positions, and it’s all about listening to your body.

Maddie:  Right, and my body was saying, this does not feel good!  Don’t do that!  So I spent a lot of time there, and then I got to a point where I just remember feeling so hot and just, you know, put as many ice-cold washcloths on me as possible.  I was so hot, but I was just kind of getting right there to the end.  It was right at the end, and then my midwife had said, okay, I want to check you after this next surge, and so I want you to roll over.  And I already knew I was crowning, but I couldn’t really explain it at that point.  I’m like, no, no.  He’s there.

Kristin:  Right.  I feel him!

Maddie:  He’s right there!  So I did end up flipping over, and that was okay on my back, and that was fine.  What was helpful was the nurse that was there; she had said, do you want a mirror?  And I had said no, no, I don’t want a mirror.  And then she said to reach down and feel your baby.  When I could feel — he’s right there.  More than just oh, I feel it with my body, but actually touching it with your hand — he’s almost here!  That kind of gives you a little reinvigoration.  I’m right there at the end!  So I was able to catch my baby and put him right on me and do optimal cord clamping.  It was fantastic, just beautiful.  He was born on July 13th at 10:45 PM, so about 12 hours from when I figured out that I was in labor until he was born.  And it was being just relaxed about the whole process and recognizing it’s going to happen when it happens, and your body is going to do it, and trusting your body.

Kristin:  Exactly, trusting your baby and your connection with your own body and your baby, because it’s the two of you working together along with, of course, your partner and support team.

Maddie:  The very first thing I ended up saying after Charlie came out was, good job, buddy!  He was a part of it, too.

Kristin:  Exactly, babies work so hard!  They have to turn in the canal and — yeah, they’re exhausted.  You’re exhausted.

Maddie:  Exactly, there’s a lot happening.  It was beautiful!

Kristin:  It really was.  It was an honor to support you.  How did it go with the skin-to-skin time and breastfeeding as a first time mom?  Let’s talk about some of that and how you felt bonding in that first golden hour.

Maddie:  That was fantastic that I could do skin-to-skin right away.  I didn’t feel pressured to stop.  That was super important.  I did have some postpartum bleeding, and so while all of that was being taken care, not being separated from my baby was so big so I could just focus on him.  That part was wonderful.  We got all cleaned up.  The breastfeeding definitely was more difficult.  I have one side that’s inverted normally, and so baby really struggled to latch on that side, but he also struggled on the other side.  I was fortunate that Spectrum has IBCLCs on staff 24 hours a day, and so they were able to come in at 3:00 AM and focus on what’s going on, why is baby not latching.  We did end up using a nipple shield, and that was pretty demoralizing for a while.  We used it until six weeks, and I went to some Le Leche League meetings and things like that.  It really was important to have those contacts ahead of time and know where the meetings are; know when the meetings are; know an IBCLC that’s recommended in case you are having those issues so you’re not having to try to figure that out when you’re exhausted and you’re feeling downtrodden and things aren’t working.  It’s really hard to try to find that when you’re already struggling.  So having figured that out ahead of time, I was able to go to a meeting, go meet with a lactation consultant again.  We did stick with it, and then at six weeks, which is pretty common, he just kind of got it.  We got in the tub where it was warm and kind of womb-like and got rid of the nipple shield, and it worked.

Kristin:  That’s amazing that you were so persistent and it paid off!

Maddie:  Yes!  We just weaned at 2 years and 11 months.

Kristin:  Oh, congrats!

Maddie:  Yes, that was exciting.  We had a fantastic nursing journey.  If you really stick with it and arm yourself with that support system, you can do it.  I feel like so many women don’t have that support system.  My mom nursed; my sisters nursed all of their children.  Having that support system makes a huge, huge, huge difference.

Kristin:  Yeah, and like you said, just taking advantage of lactation while you’re in the hospital, even for moms who have a great first latch, to just have someone see your holds and answer any questions you might have — it’s a resource that I highly recommend anyone take advantage of, if they’re birthing in the hospital, of course.

Maddie:  Right.  That was important that they did come in.  They came multiple times to check on us and did work on holds and really understanding, you know, here’s another technique.  Here’s another hold to try if this one isn’t working, so you have those skills in your toolbox to pull out.  Okay, this isn’t working; let’s try this.  That definitely was helpful for me, as well.

Kristin:  Great!  Well, thanks for sharing your story!  Do you have any parting words?

Maddie:  I would just say to do your research.  It’s easy to just say that my doctor is going to do what’s best for me.  This is what happens.  This is how it goes.  But it doesn’t have to be.  You can be such an advocate for yourself, and you can surround yourself with other people to advocate for you so that you can get the type of birth that you want so that you have the support that you need.  Even if you have a partner that’s not able to be there in the way that you need, you can get a doula.  You can have a midwife who births in the hospital.  It’s really not different.  I know people that really think, oh, they’re not a doctor.  That’s totally different.  Just really doing your research and asking other moms who have been through it.  Moms are very willing, good or bad, to give you their advice, so get as much information as you can so that you can make your own informed decisions.

Kristin:  Yes!  Thank you for sharing your story because other women want to hear personal, especially positive, stories.  I feel like when it comes to birth, you here the dramatic or tragic.  Everyone likes to tell negative stories, and there aren’t enough positive, and a lot of women in pregnancy want to surround themselves with light and positivity.  We really appreciate you coming in!  Thanks so much, Maddie.  Thank you, everyone, for tuning into our podcast.  Remember, these moments are golden.

 

Maddie’s Birth Story: Podcast Episode #83 Read More »

Dr. Nave Health for Life Grand Rapids

Understanding Your Cycle: Podcast Episode #82

Dr. Nave now works with queens through her virtual practice Hormonal Balance. She talks with us today about a woman’s monthly cycle. What’s “normal”?  What if you don’t get a period at all? Is PMS a real thing?  You can listen to this complete podcast episode on iTunes or SoundCloud.

Alyssa:  Hello, welcome to Ask the Doulas.  I am Alyssa, and I’m here with Kristin.  Our guest today is Dr. Nave, who is a naturopathic doctor at Health for Life Grand Rapids.

Dr. Nave:  Hi!

Alyssa:  We were excited to meet you – what was it, a few weeks ago?  We presented to your team, and you – I was really intrigued.  Tell everyone what you specialize in as an ND, and then they’ll know why I wanted to talk to you so bad.

Dr. Nave:  I am especially excited about assisting women to reconnect to their identities, and the way in which I do that is by really looking at their hormones, their mental health, their physical health, and other aspects of their life.

Alyssa:  Do you only work with women?

Dr. Nave:  No, I do not, but my passion is women.

Alyssa:  So today you’re going to talk about cycles, and I know you have a couple specific thing about a woman’s cycle that you want to talk about, so explain what those are, and then let’s just dive in.

Dr. Nave:  Okay.  I want to talk about what a typical cycle should look like, so this is how your cycle should look if nothing is going wrong.  And then we’ll transition to talking about PCOS and what is going on with that.

Alyssa:  And what does PCOS stand for?

Dr. Nave:  PCOS is polycystic ovarian syndrome.  In medical terminology, a syndrome just means a cluster of symptoms that fit this particular diagnosis, and so with PCOS, what’s happening is that the woman isn’t bleeding or she has skipped periods, and that is due to low progesterone, which is an important hormone that allows the endometrial lining, basically, in the uterus so that implantation of the fertilized egg can happen.

Alyssa:  Okay.  So let’s talk first about what it should look like.

Dr. Nave:  Sure.  With our cycle, there are five main hormones that influence a woman’s hormonal cycle.  We have LH and FSH, which are the hormones that are produced by the brain to tell an egg to mature and to allow the endometrial lining, which is basically the build-up of tissue in the uterus that allows the implanted fertilized egg to become a baby.  So we have those two hormones that are produced by the brain, and then we have estrogen, testosterone, and progesterone that are produced in the ovary.

Alyssa:  All the time, or only if an egg is implanted?

Dr. Nave:  At specific times.  A typical cycle, in terms of what we would call the normal cycle or the optimal cycle, would be a 28-day cycle.  We have some leeway in terms of, in the medical community, how we diagnose whether it’s too long or too short, whether it be above 35 days or less than 21.  For me, I think it’s best if it’s 28 days because it’s kind of like cycle with the moon, so the lunar cycle, because it also helps with the math.  So we’ll just use 28 for the typical just for explaining what happens.  In the first 14 days, that’s what we call the ovulatory – like, the building up of estrogen.  The brain tells the ovary, by way of follicular stimulated hormone, FHS, to make one of the eggs mature.  So it’s like, hey, ovary, let one of these eggs become the mother, so to speak.  The brain does that, and then the ovary responds by allowing one of the eggs to become mature. We have multiple eggs that are responding during this time in different life stages, but the one that is the oldest usually gets picked, in terms of its life phase.  It becomes mature; the estrogen is being made by the egg itself, which allows for that ovulation to occur.  FHS tells the egg to become mature, and then the egg itself makes estrogen so the egg can further mature.  It’s a fascinating, interesting thing that’s happening.

Alyssa:  That’s during ovulation?

Dr. Nave:  Yes, so during the first 14 days of your cycle, the estrogen is building up so that the egg can fully mature.  Then what happens is that there are two types of cells that are a part of the egg.  One produces estrogen, and the other aspect makes testosterone, so those are the other two hormones that we’re talking about.  Once the egg matures and it’s released, the thing that’s left behind is called the corpus luteum, also known as the yellow body.  That then makes progesterone.  All of this is sort of happening at the same time, so we say 14 days for the ovulatory phase, but really, it’s like the brain is telling the body to make progesterone at the same time it’s telling the body to make estrogen.  It’s just that it’s at a lower level.  Until the egg is released.  You don’t really have that progesterone being made.

Alyssa:  It’s ebbing and flowing based on the day of your cycle?

Dr. Nave:  Yes, yes.  Around day 14 is when the egg is released.  It’s the highest level of estrogen at that point in time, and then the yellow body that’s left behind – the brain told the egg, by way of the luteinizing hormone, LH, to start making progesterone.  Are you following?

Alyssa:  Kind of, yeah.  In my head, that little egg is moving along, following a timeline.

Dr. Nave:  Right!  At day 14, we have the highest estrogen, and progesterone starts to climb up.

Alyssa:  And estrogen is decreasing and progesterone is increasing?

Dr. Nave:  Yeah, estrogen is at its peak; progesterone starts to spike up a lot more.  I’m grossly simplifying it, sorry!  As the progesterone is being built up – so the corpus luteum is making the progesterone because the brain told it, hey, make progesterone by way of the LH, the luteinizing hormone.  That causes, then, the endometrial lining in the uterus to build up so that implantation of the egg can happen.  Towards day 28, which is when you expect bleeding to occur – basically, the reason why bleeding occurs is that the progesterone starts declining at that point because progesterone is necessary for the build-up of the uterine wall so that implantation can happen, but if there’s no fertilization off the egg, then it basically is a withdrawal of the progesterone, and then it just sloughs off.

Alyssa:  So day number one is not the – is that the day your period starts?

Dr. Nave:  Yes.

Alyssa:  So day 28, then, is the day before you period starts?  Okay, I’m seeing the timeline in my head.

Dr. Nave:  Yeah.  Day one, when a doctor asks a woman, okay, what’s day one of your period, he or she is technically asking, when’s the first day of your bleeding.  Technically, we’re always cycling, but we consider day one the last time you bled.  That’s what the cycle should look like.  Now, when we experience our periods, even though people consider it the status quo that we experience PMS, we don’t have to experience it.  Does that make sense?

Alyssa:  The hormonal changes don’t necessarily mean that we’re going to have the mental and – becoming angry or disorganized or frustrated?

Dr. Nave:  Yeah.  Seeing those symptoms for a woman, that would indicate to me that maybe the ratio is a little bit off.  Some examples are acne or being really bloated.  Being bloated, puffy, having water retention and having really heavy bleeding – that could be a sign that the woman is experiencing what we call estrogen dominance.  Now, estrogen dominance doesn’t necessarily mean that she has high estrogen.  It could just mean that her progesterone is low and therefore throwing off the ratio so that when she’s experiencing premenstrual syndrome, PMS, she’s experiencing these symptoms, even though if it were normal, she wouldn’t have to.

Alyssa:  So you’re not saying that PMS is made up.  It’s a real thing; it just means there’s an imbalance somewhere?  It can be fixed, that you don’t have to deal with this stuff?

Dr. Nave:  Absolutely.  And the weepiness: estrogen.  Estrogen is important for our bone health, our cardiovascular health.  It’s the reason why we as women don’t get heart attacks until much later in life because it protects our hearts; it’s important for our bone health, which is why when you experience menopause or perimenopause, it’s very important to get your bone density checked.  That’s the importance of estrogen.  And then testosterone, which is produced by the egg, is important for sex drive and being able to be aroused.

Alyssa:  What happens in a woman’s body when they’re aroused that helps with implantation?

Dr. Nave:  When the woman is aroused, that allows the cervix to sort of pulsate so that when climax is achieved, the sperm can travel up into the uterus and, hey, let’s get to the egg wherever it is.  It also allows for the vaginal canal, which typically is around three inches, which sounds crazy, but it actually lengthens and stretches.  It’s a muscle that moves to accommodate the penis, if you’re having that kind of intercourse, or allow for artificial insemination in that way.  So it increases the likelihood of implantation successfully occurring.  It’s so cool!

Alyssa:  We’ll pause so everyone can visualize!

Dr. Nave:  Our bodies are amazing!  In order for conception to occur, not only do the hormones have to cycle how they should, but you have to address your mental health; are you in the space that you can have intercourse or whatever it is?  The ovary itself isn’t even attached to the uterus.  There’s a gap between the two of them, and we have chemotaxis – basically a chemical, like how your body produces the hormones, that attracts the egg to go down the fallopian tube as opposed to staying in your abdominal area.

Alyssa:  So every time you see a picture, it looks like…

Dr. Nave:  They’re attached?  Yes.  But they’re not.

Alyssa:  So they have to let go and then actually be drawn up by the fallopian tube and then into the uterus?  They’re not attached?

Dr. Nave:  No.  We have connective tissue or fascia that’s in that area –

Alyssa:  Which helps kind of push it in the right direction, probably?

Dr. Nave: Not exactly.  It’s more like it creates this compartment so that your uterus isn’t just floating around in your abdominal cavity.  We have this connective tissue that anchors it in that area so there’s less likelihood that a fertilized egg will end up outside of the uterus, which is why ectopic pregnancies are so low in terms of their incidence.  But we also have these finger-like projections in the fallopian tube that brushes the egg along.  So it’s not just the hormone that’s attracting the egg to where it needs to go and we have all these other signaling processing that are working.

Alyssa:  I’m picturing a crowd surfer pushing it along.

Dr. Nave:  We’re all supporting you!  So that’s what a normal cycle should look like.

Alyssa:  Ideally, that’s what it should look like?

Dr. Nave:  Yes, ideally, that’s what it should look like.

Alyssa:  And when a woman doesn’t have her cycle?

Dr. Nave:  When she doesn’t have her cycle, then we have to consider two different things.  Is it that she’s not bleeding at all, which we call amenorrhea, or are there greater than 35 days between each cycle, in which case we call that oligomenorrhea, or many menses, technically.

Alyssa:  It seems like it would be the opposite because there’s a big space between.  But either way, it’s a problem, and that will help determine how you treat it?

Dr. Nave:  Yes.  And so if it is that a woman isn’t bleeding, as in amenorrhea, then we have to consider why is that the case.  Is it that she’s pregnant?  That would be the first thing to assess.  Is she pregnant?  Okay, she’s not.  What exactly is going on?  One particular condition that I’ve been hearing or rather seeing more women experience is called PCOS.  We mentioned it earlier, that PCOS stands for polycystic ovarian syndrome or Stein-Leventhal syndrome.  Basically, what’s happening is that instead of the progesterone going up around day 14 to day 28, instead of it increasing, the body is changing it into another type of hormone.  Just to give you some context, our bodies use cholesterol to make all our steroid hormones, which are all our sex hormones as well as cortisol.  Our bodies use the cholesterol and then turn it into pregnenolone which is like the mother of all of those hormones. Pregnenolone can then become progesterone. It can become testosterone.  It can become estrogen, which we have three different types of estrogens, or it can become cortisol.  In PCOS, what’s happening is that instead of the pregnenolone going down to becoming progesterone, it’s getting turned into either testosterone, estrogen, or cortisol.  A woman who potentially has PCOS or has been confirmed with that diagnosis – in addition to having amenorrhea, for her to be diagnosed with it, she also has to have two out of three symptom criteria.  We have what’s called hyperandrogenism, which is high testosterone, and some of the symptoms she could experience would be cystic acne or hirsutism, which is just a fancy term for hair in unwanted places, like coarse, thick hair along your hairline or along your breast or in places that aren’t typical areas that you have hair distribution.  That’s one, and then the amenorrhea that we talked about, and the last one is seeing cysts.  The only way that we can really assess if there are cysts in the ovary is if we do a transvaginal ultrasound.  I say we, but not me, but the actual tech would do that for you, and basically, they place a probe inside the vaginal canal, and they use an ultrasound on top of the abdomen to visualize if there are any cysts in the ovary.  The reason why we get the cysts – to back up again to looking at the cycle, instead of the egg being released, the egg just stays there, because you need the progesterone to tell the egg, hey, release.

Alyssa:  It stays where?

Dr. Nave:  It stays in the ovary.  And then in the ovary itself, you have all these eggs that look like they’re just about to release, but they end up forming what’s called a cyst.  It can be fluid filled.  Cyst is just a fancy term for a ball, kind of.

Alyssa:  I didn’t know a cyst could be an egg that didn’t move.

Dr. Nave:  That didn’t move, yeah.

Alyssa:  So when people say they’ve had ovarian cysts burst, it could be an egg that didn’t move?  Could be, doesn’t have to be?

Dr. Nave:  Could be, doesn’t have to be.  It could just be fluid.  But in the case of PCOS, it’s like the ovary doesn’t release the egg, so it becomes mature, kind of, but not to the point where it actually releases because we don’t have any progesterone, or there’s minimal levels of progesterone so that if and when a woman experiences bleeding, if she has PCOS – so long cycle or no bleeding at all – in the long cycle aspect of things, there’s no egg.  It’s just blood or tissue that got to build up a little bit.

Alyssa:  So the egg still is stuck in the ovary?

Dr. Nave:  Yes.  I mean, you could have some release at some point if her progesterone can get high enough that that can occur, but it’s kind of scattered.  You can’t really track it per se because it’s insufficient.

Alyssa:  So she’s having them, just not – I guess 35 days instead of 28 – wouldn’t most women just go, oh, that’s no big deal; I just have a long cycle?  What are the other symptoms?  What else would they see?

Dr. Nave:  She could have the symptoms of PMS but never actually bleed.  So she’s still cycling, because remember you’re still cycling, always, whether you bleed or don’t bleed; the hormones are still doing their thing.  She can experience the PMS symptoms but not bleed, which means that she’s not able to get pregnant.  And even if you don’t ever want to get pregnant, our uterus is what I like to call an emunctory.  An emunctory is basically an organ that our bodies use to detox or remove toxins.  If we are not bleeding, that means those hormones are getting reabsorbed into our bodies, which for a woman, if she’s estrogen-dominant, it basically reinforces the estrogen dominance because she’s reabsorbing it in her intestines, which makes the symptoms to get worse.  Because to get rid of our hormones, once they’ve done their thing and we’ve shed our lining and we bleed, the other way in which we get rid of our steroid hormones is by poop.  So if you’re not pooping, then…

Alyssa:  Is that another symptom or side effect?  Is that a cycle issue, or not?

Dr. Nave:  It could be a cycle issue.  One of the symptoms that women sometimes experience is when they’re on their periods, either they’re constipated or they have really loose stool, and that’s because of hormones.

Alyssa:  They call it period poop, and I never knew why.

Dr. Nave:  Yeah, it’s because of the hormones.

Alyssa:  So it’s normal?  If you’re having a regular cycle and you have a day of poop that’s not normal, it’s just your hormones?  That’s normal?

Dr. Nave: Normal in the sense of it’s to be expected with what you’re experiencing, yes.  Other things that can happen with PCOS, and this is not with every woman, is that some women gain weight.  Some don’t.  For a woman that does gain weight if she has PCOS, what’s happening is that the body is converting the progesterone into cortisol.  And cortisol is the hormone that affects our sleep-wake cycle.  So when you first wake up in the morning, the reason why you’re fully awake is cortisol.  It spikes at that point.  What happens when we’re under a lot of stress, or if you have PCOS, our bodies are making a lot more cortisol, and that cortisol allows for the breakdown of stored glucose and the conversion of other proteins and fats into glucose.  This issue with that happening for prolonged periods is that the woman can experience what’s called insulin insensitivity, so her body is no longer able to respond to insulin, which means that when she eats, then she can’t stabilize her blood sugar, which means that the sugar stays longer in the bloodstream, which causes damage to small blood vessels and nerves, which is what happens in diabetes.  That’s why for a woman with PCOS, having metformin might work, which is why some doctors place a woman with PCOS on metformin to increase her chances of conceiving.  It’s not just the hormones that affect your cycle; hormones influence every aspect of our lives, from the moment we wake up and take our first breath to the moment that we pass on into the next life.  It’s this orchestra that each hormone has a part to play and influence each other in term of how effectively each part is able to do their part.

Alyssa:  So let’s say I came in and I had questions about my cycle.  What’s the first thing that a woman could expect?  Bloodwork?

Dr. Nave:  The first thing I would want to know is what labs she’s already gotten done.  Has she gotten her thyroid checked?  And when I say thyroid, I don’t just mean THS because THS is just your brain telling your thyroid, hey, make the thing.  It’s also looking at the levels of the thyroid hormones because you have two types of those.  You have free T3 and free T4.  Their ratio is also important.  So thyroid function; CBC, which just stands for a complete blood count.  It’s checking for anemia, because that could be another reason for amenorrhea.  You may not be bleeding because you’re iron deficient.  And then I would also want CMP.  That’s a complete metabolic panel, and that looks at the kidney and liver function, which are affected if blood sugar isn’t being regulated effectively.  On the CMP, there’s also a fasting blood glucose on there, so that would be something to look at.  I would also want to review her symptoms.  What symptoms are you experiencing?  Are you experiencing acne?  Are you experiencing bloating and irritability on your menses?  Do you experience depression on your period?  There’s also the consideration that we have PMS, and then we have PMDD, which is premenstrual dysphoric disorder, which is basically PMS on steroids.  It’s like the cycle overall is so horrendous that the woman can’t go to work.  It’s affecting her daily life, affecting her mental health.  She’s more depressed on her period, more irritable, or really angry, or in so much pain that she can’t leave her home.  Looking at her as a whole person is what I’m about.  And she’s the expert in her experience, right?  She knows what it’s like to walk in her body, to experience these symptoms, how they affect her life, and then both of us taking our expertise to work together to get to the root of why this is happening and give the body the tool that it needs so it can rectify it.

Alyssa:  You just reminded me that I need to make an appointment with you.  I remember when I met you the first time, I was like, yeah, I need to see her, because not only have I turned 40, but I know my hormones are changing.  My periods are changing.  Just weird things happening.  So how do people find you?  What’s the best way to get ahold of you?

Dr. Nave:  I am at Health For Life Grand Rapids, and you can check the website and look for my page.  There’s a 15-minute free meet and greet and consult, so we can see if we’re a good fit.  I can hear about your concerns, and you can get the cure that you need.

Alyssa:  I love it.  Thank you so much for joining us.  We’re going to have you on again, and we’ll talk about some other intriguing topics.  Again, thanks for tuning in. This is Ask the Doulas Podcast; you can always find us on our website and on Facebook and Instagram.  Remember, these moments are golden.

 

Understanding Your Cycle: Podcast Episode #82 Read More »

HypnoBirthing Story

Maddie’s HypnoBirthing Story: Podcast Episode #81

Today our former birth client and HypnoBirthing student, Maddie Kioski, tells us her personal pregnancy journey using HypnoBirthing and how it helped her feel excited about labor and delivery instead of scared.  You can listen to this completed podcast episode on iTunes or SoundCloud.

 

Kristin:  Welcome to Ask the Doulas with Gold Coast Doulas.  I’m Kristin, and I’m here today with Maddie Kioski.  She is a former HypnoBirthing student of Gold Coast and also my birth client.  Good to see you!  It’s been a while.

Maddie:  You, too!  It’s been so long.  We just had the third year birthday for Charlie, so three years!

Kristin:  That is so amazing!  I love following all of your adventures on Facebook.  So, Maddie, let us know a little bit about your HypnoBirthing experience and why you chose HypnoBirthing and what it did for you.  We’ll have another episode coming up about your actual birth story, but this is focused on the class.

Maddie:  I’m lucky to have two older sisters who were very instrumental in that they both researched natural birthing and all of that, so before I ever got pregnant, I was kind of familiar.  The middle sister took a HypnoBirthing class in Atlanta, so when I got pregnant, I knew I wanted to go for a natural birth, so I started researching in our area.  I found you guys, and I found speed-dating with the doulas, and so I was like, oh, perfect.  And I saw you guys did the HypnoBirthing classes, so once I came and met you guys, I was sold.  I knew for sure this is what I want to do.  So my husband and I did the weekends class, so we had just longer weekend classes.  When we started, he was not totally sold on it, but he said, well, if you want to do, then of course we’ll go and we’ll do it together.  I actually really enjoyed having the weekend class.  For me, it was a long period instead of the shorter periods; you could really focus on it and really get in depth.

Kristin:  Did you do any preparation knowing that it was a very time-intensive class versus being spread out for five weeks?  Did you read the book in advance?  Did you do any preparation?

Maddie:  I didn’t.  We came to the class, and then we would read after class on the way home; we’d read on the way to class, and then we’d do some in the interim before the next week.  I just knew this is what I wanted to do.  I can’t remember; I think I was maybe five months when I started.

Kristin:  That sounds about right.  Yeah, I remember there was some time before your due date.

Maddie:  Yeah.  So we started listening to the rainbow relaxion every night.  It was weeks before I even knew there was a rainbow in it; I just fell asleep every time.  But my husband listened to it every single night, so he was pretty familiar.

Kristin:  It’s good to fall asleep to.  It means that you’re getting in that fully relaxed state.

Maddie:  Right.  So I think what was really, really helpful for me in the classes was reframing how you think about birth.   That was really helpful for me.  Instead of saying Braxton-Hicks, it was practice labor.  This is natural and normal and healthy; really understanding that trusting my body to do what it needed to do; trusting my baby, that he was going to be able to do what he needed to do.  Reframing all of those words was really, really helpful for me.

Kristin:  Yeah, I’m all about the impact of language.  Even the contraction; you think of it being intense and tightening up, but in labor, you want to be relaxed or it’s just going to be more uncomfortable and take longer, so calling it a surge, for example, and viewing the wave-like motion of labor.

Maddie:  And I also think what was really helpful for me is understanding what’s actually happening with your body and the different phases and knowing — I felt very internal when I was going through it, and so knowing what was going to happen and having learned about all the physical physiology, hormones, and all of that — I felt was really helpful to just kind of put my mind at ease and feel more prepared about what was going to happen and what I could expect.  And I think being able to relax and feel more relaxed about it also let me feel a little free with, if something doesn’t go exactly how I want it to go, that’s okay.  We have another plan.  We know if it’s an emergent situation, things are going to have to change, but feeling more relaxed about the birthing process allowed me to feel relaxed about letting go of exactly how things were going to happen.

Kristin:  Right.  And there are some misconceptions about HypnoBirthing only being for home birthers.  You birthed in the hospital?

Maddie:  Yes.

Kristin:  And you were able to apply what you learned in class?

Maddie:  Absolutely.  I took an old phone with me and I had my rainbow relaxation, and I had some other music on there and the affirmation track, and so I was playing those while I was at the hospital.  Even just something like keeping the lights down low to allow a more relaxed atmosphere, to allow your hormones to really react to the calm environment rather than bright lights and people coming in and out.  I mean, you can change your environment when you have the knowledge of what it should be to help your birth go more easily.  So that was helpful.  And I was fortunate to go to Spectrum Butterworth, and you can labor in the tub there and all of that, and they have a lot more training as far as helping women through a natural birth.

Kristin:  Yeah, your provider makes a difference; a supportive hospital and their policies and procedures make a big difference in being able to achieve HypnoBirthing in the hospital.

Maddie:  What was helpful as well: I did do a lot of research as far as who I wanted as a provider and selecting a provider that you guys have worked with a lot and a lot of other moms in the area have recommended, so they were more familiar with HypnoBirthing, too, and they understand it more and understand what a natural birth looks like.

Kristin:  And it can be much different to observe someone who is internally focused if a provider is not familiar with HypnoBirthing.

Maddie:  Right, exactly, and not feeling forced to respond and explain what’s happening and just allowing your body to do the work that it needs to do, allowing your baby to do the work that they need to do.

Kristin:  Exactly.  Was there anything from the class that didn’t sit with you?  I always say, take what you like from a class or experience and then discard the rest.  Was there anything that didn’t resonate with you immediately?

Maddie:  I responded well to a lot of the self-hypnosis kind of techniques, but we didn’t end up really using those a ton when we were actually going through the birth process.  We did a lot of focusing on breathing because that’s where I really ended up struggling was just calming down and getting those deep breaths in and having my husband understand what needed to happen; understand I needed to be breathing to get that oxygen in for baby, too, and help calm my body down.  He was a fantastic birth partner.

Kristin:  I remember that about your birth, for sure.  He’s a very supportive partner.

Maddie:  He was really involved, and we felt really connected after, so that was beautiful.  And I know some people did a fear release, and for me, that didn’t really work, I feel like, as well for me.  I think it would be really helpful for some people, but my main concerns were that I get migraines, and they’re really bad, and I’ve had kidney stones and they’re really bad, and so I felt like, oh, man, if I can’t handle those, am I going to be able to do a natural birth?  So I think what helped more was just understanding how the birth process works, and then I talked with some other moms who also struggled with those same health issues, and they were able to help calm my fears, as well.  Understanding that your body is putting out all that love hormone; you’re not going to be getting a migraine.  Your body is protecting you from that; it’s focused on what needs to happen.  So the actual fear release part, I didn’t really use that as much.

Kristin:  And one thing about the HypnoBirthing class that’s helpful is you work on your birth preference sheet or birth plan.  Was that helpful in having discussions with your providers during your pregnancy?

Maddie:  Extremely helpful.  I think it was almost more helpful for my husband and I to kind of give us a guideline of what we need to focus on.  With HypnoBirthing, we had informed choice, really; here are evidence-based articles that you can read about these certain preferences that you can choose from.  That was helpful for us to talk about.  My providers were so wonderful, though; I just kind of was like, well, here’s my sheet, and they were like, yep, these all look great.

Kristin:  Whatever you want!

Maddie:  So that was helpful.  But I would say I had a shift change, and so I think what would have been helpful that I didn’t realize was making sure, when we did that shift change, that the other nurse made sure to read the birth preferences.  I had put on there that I didn’t want coached pushing, and so when she came in, I don’t think that she had really read it necessarily, and so then they were pretty focused on that.

Kristin:  That can be challenging, the timing.

Maddie:  I was just trying to block that out.  You were helpful, and the midwife and my husband were all talking about breathing and getting those breaths in, and that was helpful.

Kristin:  Great.  Any other tips or advice for anyone considering HypnoBirthing?

Maddie:  I think it was so helpful and such a bonding experience that I feel — I felt prepared and I felt excited to give birth.  I think so many women go into it feeling scared and saying, give me drugs; they just feel from the beginning that I’m not going to be able to do it.  And after going through HypnoBirthing and really understanding the process, understanding and getting to a point where I trust my body and trust my baby; it’s natural; it’s normal; it’s healthy.  I was so excited!  I was so excited to go in and give birth.

Kristin:  I could tell that; I could see it and feel it.

Maddie:  And you can know, okay, it’s not going to be a walk in the park, but it was beautiful, and I feel so fortunate to have had such a wonderful first birth experience.

Kristin:  Do you use any of the breathing or relaxation techniques in general life or parenting?

Maddie:  I do, actually, do a lot of deep breathing when I feel frustrated and I need to take a step away and focus internally; do some breath depths; focus on a relaxing color.

Kristin:  I do that with my kids.  I get them to use HypnoBirthing and the birth breaths and the relaxation.  For me, I have a fear of the dentist, so I’ve used it at the dentist!  Yeah, it’s very helpful.  Well, it’s so good to have you on, and we’ll talk about your actual birth story shortly.

Maddie:  I’m excited!

Kristin:  Thanks for listening to Ask the Doulas with Gold Coast Doulas!  Remember, these moments are golden.

 

Maddie’s HypnoBirthing Story: Podcast Episode #81 Read More »

Sleep Consultant

Megan’s Sleep Story: Podcast Episode #80

Megan Kretz, one of Alyssa’s sleep clients, tells us about her sleep training journey with her daughter at 9 months and again at 19 months.  She says that as a working mom, it meant spending a little less time with her daughter, but that it was all worth it because the quality of the time spent together improved drastically.  Everyone was happier and healthier!  You can listen to this complete podcast episode on iTunes or SoundCloud.

Alyssa:  Welcome to Ask the Doulas Podcast.  I am Alyssa, and today I’m excited to be talking to Megan Kretz.  You were one of my past sleep clients, and then again recently.

Megan:  Yeah, thanks for having me on!

Alyssa:  Yes, we’re going to talk about sleep today.  So remind me of how this journey began and what was happening before you called me.

Megan:  So we reached out to you about when my daughter was nine months old with just all sorts of life problems as a result of my daughter’s sleep habits and our sleep habits, as well.  A lot of it was definitely a struggle because we almost created the environment, the problem, that we found ourselves in.

Alyssa:  Unknowingly.

Megan:  Yes, unknowingly.

Alyssa:  I mean, you don’t realize it when you’re doing it.  You’re in survival mode.

Megan:  Right.  Before the age of eight months, my daughter had had five ear infections, and so we were in and out of doctors’ offices, on and off antibiotics, and because of that, she was in a lot of pain.  She was seeking comfort because we could never get her comfortable.  So in doing so, we just ended up creating all these really bad sleep habits.  Falling asleep with us, on us, whatever we could do to allow mom and dad and baby to get some sort of rest.  Up probably eleven times at night breastfeeding, and then wouldn’t take naps during the day; was up all day except for two 45-minute naps at the age of six, seven months old.  Where our thoughts were going at that point was that she wasn’t developing properly without proper sleep.  We couldn’t go on date nights.  Nobody else could put my daughter down to sleep except me, not even her dad.  We couldn’t go two hours for a movie on the couch without my daughter waking up, and it was getting to a point where, looking into the future, I don’t know how we would have gone much longer with the way that things were.  And I had heard about you guys before, and finally I ended up going on the website, and I saw that you guys offer the sleep consultations.  I was hesitant at first, but oh my gosh…

Alyssa:  Didn’t she take to it, like, the first night?

Megan:  Oh, yeah!  The first night when we went through all of that — but I felt super needy with you.

Alyssa:  No, you weren’t at all!

Megan:  Texting you all the time!  The first night, we had to go in and out, in and out a lot, but by the second night — she was almost there on the first night, and the second night, she was like, bam, done.  She was like, I got this, Mom!  I’m going to be your sleep champ from now on!

Alyssa:  And kids always surprise parents.  They want to sleep so bad, and once we just get them on a schedule, it just happens so much more quickly and easily than a lot of parents expect.

Megan:  A lot of other working parents might find themselves in the same situation or scared on what they’re going to end up doing.  I learned that so much of her night sleep is dependent on her daytime sleep and her nap schedule.  She went to a daycare facility, and they had also used the same crutches we had to get her to sleep, and I was just nervous about that whole transition and really needing her to take proper naps in order to accomplish what we needed to at night.  And in the end, we sorted out some schedules.  We had some people that came and helped us and pulled her out of daycare for a week.

Alyssa:  Yeah, I remember that.  You had somebody stay at the house, because that first week is pretty critical, and when you have two parents working full time, you can’t just take a week off.

Megan:  No, you can’t!

Alyssa:  To have your baby sleep.  That’s not feasible.  But yeah, you had a trusted babysitter come over, right?

Megan:  Yeah, and I don’t remember how many days it was.

Alyssa:  Oh, you had a doula come, too, for a couple days, didn’t you?

Megan:  No.  Well, you…

Alyssa:  Must have been another client.  Sometimes they’ll hire a doula to come stay either during the day overnight.

Megan:  I remember you said there are so many days that it takes of consistent behavior development to actually –

Alyssa:  Until it becomes a habit.

Megan:  Yeah, until it becomes normal for them.  So we just had to get through that, and we did.

Alyssa:  Well, and especially because she was going to daycare.  Daycare can totally muck things up, especially if it’s a large one and not an in-home daycare but a large one where they have 20 kids and maybe 15 of them are in the nursery, and they’re just, like, this is naptime, and if they’re not sleeping, we get them up, because we don’t want them waking the other babies up.

Megan:  Well, that’s what part of the problem was is that she was in the nursery, and there’s 12 other babies in that room, and they all share a crib room together.  And they couldn’t get her to sleep, and then she was waking up other babies.  It was all downhill from there.

Alyssa:  So they just say, all right, nap’s done.

Megan:  Yep.

Alyssa:  But after that five days of a consistent pattern, then she’s going to go back to daycare, and her body’s already on the schedule and already has a rhythm set, and it’s much easier to go back into that daycare environment and tell them, now she sleeps from this time to this time, and if she wakes up early, here’s what you have to do.

Megan:  And daycare, you know, they made their own adjustments for what worked for them, too, so I gave them our schedule, but then they actually removed her from a crib and put her on a toddler sleep mat.  They’re raised little beds, and I had to get a doctor’s note, but at the age of ten months, nine months, she was actually the only child in the room for months that slept on a cot.

Alyssa:  Oh, so she was in her own room?

Megan:  She wasn’t.  She was blocked off from the other kids.  So yeah, she was in a room by herself, but she was kind of blocked off with some shelving units so the other kids didn’t get all up in her business when she was sleeping.  But she was on a cot, and that worked best for her because they found that she was anxious in the room with all the other kids in the cribs because all of her past memories were coming up, so changing her sleep environment was also to let them work according to the sleep plan, as well.  So it ended up working well that way, and she ended up moving up into the next toddler room already on the cot where most babies have to go through this learning period for that.

Alyssa:  So I remember in the beginning, you kind of struggled.  You had this tug-of-war within yourself of, gosh, she’s sleeping amazing now, but now I miss these cuddles that I get at night.

Megan:  Yeah, I remember that!

Alyssa:  It was like, we have to find a balance here.  It’s hard to go from being used to her there all the time, but that’s part of the problem is that she’s there all the time and nobody can sleep.

Megan:  And at night when I’m giving her cuddles, she’s giving me cuddles, too.

Alyssa:  Yeah, it’s hard to just let that go.

Megan:  And then don’t forget about the readjustment to milk supply.  That was a big thing, as well.

Alyssa:  Yeah, breastfeeding changes.  Your body eventually fixes itself…

Megan:  But it takes a little while and some uncomfortable days.

Alyssa:  Yeah, you’ll wake up leaking everywhere.  I’ve told moms to sleep on towels for a couple nights if needed!

Megan:  Oh, yeah, been there, done that!

Alyssa:  Yeah, so we talked about, early in the morning when she wakes up, get some cuddles in, and then spend the weekends, like Saturday and Sunday mornings, just make that cuddle time in bed to get all that oxytocin, all these great hormones that you guys are sharing when you get these cuddles.

Megan:  It’s funny that you say that because it’s almost a tradition now that she’s older.  She calls her pacifier her “oh, no” because when she can’t find it and she’s upset, it’s an oh, no situation.  So she has to leave her “oh, no” in her crib, and then we go and get a bottle of milk, and I ask her if she wants to snuggle.  Sometimes I get her out of the crib and she’s like, “Snuggle!” because that’s our time together.  So we do that when we’re reading books before bedtime now, because we no longer breastfeed or give her a bottle before bed, so we just read books and snuggle for five, ten minutes, and then in the crib she goes.  And then in the morning it’s a good cuddle time, and I wake up a little bit early and get ready before she’s up so that I’m not rushed for time to get ready.  Either my husband or I will devote that time to her.

Alyssa: That’s really smart.  I was just talking to somebody earlier about the fact that sometimes kids are just waking up because they want to see you, so especially as a parent who works full time, you already have this guilt of, I haven’t seen my child all day, and now they’re sleeping all night by themselves, which is great, but when do I get to see them?  When do I get to cuddle them?  So when you do a nighttime routine and then in the morning, put that phone away.  Don’t make the TV part of this process.  Put that kid on your lap; cuddle; kiss.  Read the book, whatever.  Just get all the snuggles in you can.  They get 30 minutes of your undivided attention, and they don’t know if it’s any different than eight hours. To them it’s just that mom and dad are here and loving on me, and that makes all the difference in the world.

Megan:  I agree, and it was hard being a working mom when we were going through all of this because the time with her became less because the night wakings weren’t there.  But the quality increased.  Her behavior got a lot better.  And I am a better mom by being a working mom because I can devote my attention better if I have some things that I do on my own, if I have a work life, as well.  So I didn’t want to give that up, but readjusting and figuring out the quality time was a lot better when she was rested and herself.

Alyssa:  That’s the key, yeah.

Megan:  And it really shines this whole idea even more when we recently went on vacation, and it was a struggle because we were in a new environment.  She was in her own bed, but we had to share a room with her, and although all that went fine, her behavior was like she was truly in the terrible twos.  She’s only 21 months old now, but everything changed because we tried to stick to the schedule, but you’re on vacation, so there’s only so much that you can do.  So immediately on the day that we returned from this week-long vacation, and she’s sleeping in her own environment and we’re right back to the same routine, it was immediate behavior change, and it just solidifies even more how important a sleep plan is and how important it is to make sure that they get the sleep that they need.

Alyssa:  They thrive on it, and we think that we’re doing them a favor by letting them stay up late to play with their friends.  Or the 4th of July; it’s not even dark for fireworks until 10:00; what am I going to do?  We’re not doing them or ourselves any favors by letting them stay up because usually they’re a wreck for two days after that.  They’re not going to sleep in the next day.  More than likely. They’re going to be up early the next morning.  It affects them so opposite of the logical thinking.  But yeah, that’s the key.  You’ve hit the nail on the head; you have to readjust and understand that you have less time together, but it’s more quality time, and her entire world has changed.  She’s happier, healthier, developing at a better rate because we all need sleep for that to happen.

Megan:  It’s funny that you brought up the whole fact that readjusting and going to parties and not keeping them up late and whatnot — it’s funny because it’s easy for my husband and I to say sorry, we’re leaving at 7:30 or 7:00 or 6:30, whatever we have to do, to get home and start the bedtime routine.  The hardest part about all of that is not leaving early; it’s convincing your family members and your friends that this is what you’re going to do and that this is important to you and your family, because it’s almost like they’re the ones pressuring you to alter your child’s sleep schedule.  So that’s come up a few times, especially around the holidays when your family members do holiday parties or gift openings starting at 6:00, and bedtime routine starts at 6:30.  You’re like, sorry, guys, we can’t come.

Alyssa:  Right, unless you want to bring a pack and play and put her to bed there.

Megan:  Which we’ve done.  When she was young enough, we did that, and that was fine.  We do that sometimes with friends where we go over and put her to sleep in the pack and play.  We try to avoid that as much as possible, and now that our friends have kids or are having kids, we schedule things at 2:00 in the afternoon instead.  Dinner parties go from 3:00 to 7:00; they don’t go from 7:00 to 11:00.

Alyssa:  Yeah, that is the hardest part, because you have to be so consistent, and when you get those dirty looks or the weird looks from your friends, like why do they always have to leave so early, it makes you kind of feel bad, but you know it’s worth it.  You’re doing this because it’s worth it.

Megan:  Yep, it is.

Alyssa:  So then you called me again recently…

Megan:  I did!

Alyssa:  She was sleeping great, and then you made a pretty big transition.  Tell me about that.

Megan:  Yeah.  She was always a little bit ahead of the other kids as far as walking and crawling and climbing and running, so she eventually started climbing out of her crib, and we started getting very nervous about possible injuries.  Quite a few times, on the video in her room, we’d see her sitting on the edge of the crib, just teetering there.  My husband really pushed for a change because we can’t be doing this.  So we actually ended up moving her into a big kid bed at the age of 19 months.  And I’m trying to take what I learned with you from when she was nine months and trying to apply it to a child that’s now a toddler.  And it wasn’t working.  And that’s when we contacted you and learned about how kids don’t learn about delay of gratification until they’re three years old.  So she doesn’t understand what it means when we tell that if you stay in bed all night, we get special time together in the morning.

Alyssa:  It makes no sense.  She doesn’t understand that concept whatsoever.

Megan:  No.  And she can get in and out of the toddler bed.  Yeah, she may not be falling out of it now, but my husband and I went back to doing whatever we’ve got to do to get this child to sleep.  So her nighttimes got shorter because we ended up staying in bed and laying with her until she fell asleep.  Our bedtime routine went to two hours; from twenty minutes to two hours.  And then she wouldn’t sleep a full eleven hours at night, and then her nap became elongated to three hours.  We were on a waitlist for a daycare at the time, so we had to hire a nanny for a couple months.  And it was funny because we were paying her for an eight-hour day when our daughter is sleeping for three of them!  Just kind of a funny fact.  But we went right back to, oh my gosh, what do we do?  A year later, I’m finding your email address and saying help!  Is there anything that you can help us with?  And then when you sent us our new sleep plan and we saw that there are clear ways to help a child stay in the bed and to go right back into a routine for this next stage of a child’s life, and that babies aren’t the same as toddlers.  It was eye-opening again when we saw the second plan, and you had so much good information in there!

Alyssa:  I always wonder if it’s too much.

Megan:  No!

Alyssa:  I geek out on sleep information, so I give my clients so much information.  I think it’s imperative!

Megan:  My husband even brought up later on about something else in the sleep plan that wasn’t related to sleep.  Oh, it was snacking!  You had said — and it’s so true.  A lot of times, we were just allowing her to snack a lot, and we didn’t have set meals, necessarily.  Yeah, she ate meals with us, but we allowed her to snack more than we snacked, not even thinking about how that might be tied into sleep or protein intake at certain times of the day and how that aids in sleep patterns.  We had no idea.  I was giving her a snack, and my husband actually said to me, don’t you remember reading that on Alyssa’s sleep plan?

Alyssa:  That’s great!  That’s what it’s there for!

Megan:  Yeah, it was a lot of great information.  And there’s just something special about receiving this information from a local person, from you, a person, and not a book I just pulled off the shelf at the library that might be outdated.  You really cater our sleep plans to us, to the client and to the child, and having come in to our home, you knew us.  You looked for things that might be distractions for quality sleep and taught us how to do a proper nighttime routine.  Although it was a lot of information at one time, it was well-received, and we felt very — I don’t know if qualified is the right word, but we got the information we needed to then make good, informed decisions.

Alyssa:  And be confident.

Megan:  Yes, we got the confidence.

Alyssa:  Even though I’m with you — you’re texting me all the time; I’m responding back; I’m there for guidance — but I’m not there forever.  So that’s why I want you to have enough information that you can say, oh, okay, she’s twelve months now.  Oh, yeah, she told me that this would probably happen around 12 months.  Because I learned this when she was nine months, that’s what this means at 12 months.  You have to be able to troubleshoot yourself or you’re just going to keep calling me every three months at every developmental milestone, saying what do I do?  Help!

Megan:  And it’s funny because we went back to your sleep plan multiple times between 9 months and 15 months to just look and what did she say when she reaches this age group; how much sleep will she need; what are her naps supposed to look like?  So we definitely referenced it.  But being in a new bed, when all that came up… And the plans themselves were very different.

Alyssa:  Yeah, sleep is very different for a two-year-old versus a nine-month-old.

Megan:  Yeah.  But now, after day one of the new sleep plan, we got her back in the crib.  It was like she never forgot it.  She was in the big girl bed for probably four weeks.

Alyssa:  So you’re thinking, oh, great, even if we try this plan, she’s ruined.  We’re going to have to start all over.

Megan:  Yeah, that’s exactly what I thought, but no, her sleep habits came right back.  We were able to get her nap back down to a normal, respectable time, and she’s back to sleeping eleven, twelve hours at night with no interruptions.  We can go back to watching movies and having quality time together with my husband.

Alyssa:  And for date nights, babysitters are easy?

Megan:  Oh, babysitters can put her sleep again.  I’m not asking a babysitter to sleep with her for two hours.

Alyssa:  “You’re going to have to lay in this bed with her, sorry!”

Megan:  And then ever so slightly, quietly creep out as quiet as possible!

Alyssa:  It’s like the ninja role.  Like, you kind of slowly roll of the bed, and you keep a hand there for pressure and you slowly lift your hand up.

Megan:  Make sure the dog is quiet when you’re moving around so its nail don’t click-clack on the hardwood floors and wake her up!  Oh, I better put some WD40 on that door!  Yeah, those were all things that were happening and going through our head.  I’m laughing and I’m making a joke about it, but those were legitimate concerns of mine when we had her in the big girl bed and all of this was going on.  Call me crazy, but that’s how you feel when you and your child aren’t getting sleep.

Alyssa:  Well, you are a bit crazy.  I mean, sleep deprivation does not make for a sound mental state!

Megan:  And now I just can’t believe how much you guys have been able to help us.  Maybe my experience can help other people.  I’ve referred quite a few people over your way.

Alyssa:  Thank you!

Megan:  I just can’t reiterate enough how much you guys helped us and how worth it it is.

Alyssa:  it’s definitely a service that I could literally call life changing.

Megan:  Yes!  I would call it that, as well!  In fact, I think I’ve left reviews stating that!

Alyssa:  Well, if you had one thing that anyone who has pushed off sleep training would need to hear, what do you think it would be?

Megan:  It’s worth it.  It is what’s best for baby.  It’s what best for you and your family unit.

Alyssa:  And what if they’re scared?  Sleep training just causes anxiety.  Those two words; people just think oh, this just sounds like it’s going to be a miserable experience.  My child is going to be left alone; they’re going to have anxiety.

Megan:  But she wasn’t left alone.  The plan you gave us; that wasn’t the case, and you told me right from the beginning, before I even paid for anything, that we will do a plan according to what is comfortable for you.  And I was totally okay with the plan.  And what’s the worst that could happen?  She wakes up 12 times at night versus 11?  No, that’s not even going to be a possibility.  We were so far down the rabbit hole that there was no getting deeper.  We were hitting bedrock.  So it could only get better at this point, and it did.  It was a complete 180.

Alyssa:  Well, I loved working with your family both times.  You probably won’t need me again because she’s great.  Don’t put her in that toddler bed until she’s three.

Megan:  We won’t!

Alyssa:  You’ll know when she’s ready!

Megan:  We will definitely wait.  Now we have just over a year before we have to make any new changes to sleep, but now I have the tools, too, to be able to transfer her to a big girl bed

Alyssa:  Yeah, did I give some info to plan for?

Megan:  You did, yeah!

Alyssa:  Oh, good.  I figured I did, but…

Megan:  But this isn’t the end, Alyssa!  I’m sure that we will see each other again and talk to each other again!

Alyssa:  Well, on that note — because you might be adopting?

Megan:  Yeah.

Alyssa:  So I’m going to talk to you again at a later time about what an adoption process looks like because I don’t know, and a lot of our listeners and parents probably don’t know and maybe are even thinking about it but might be scared.  SO we’ll talk about that next time.

Megan:  I’d love to help you with some insight on there.

Alyssa:  Thanks for joining us!

Megan:  Yeah, thank you for having me!

Alyssa:  If you have any questions for us, you can email as at info@goldcoastdoulas.com.  You can also find us on Facebook and Instagram.  Thanks, and remember, these moments are golden.

 

Megan’s Sleep Story: Podcast Episode #80 Read More »

Postpartum Depression

Supporting a Postpartum Mother: Podcast Episode #79

Elsa Lockman, LMSW of Mindful Counseling talks to us today about how partners, family members, and other caregivers can support a mother during those critical postpartum weeks to ensure she seeks help if needed.  How do you approach a new mother and what are her best options for care?  You can listen to this complete podcast episode on iTunes or SoundCloud.

Kristin:  Welcome to Ask the Doulas with Gold Coast Doulas.  I’m Kristin, and I’m here today with Elsa Lockman.  She’s with Mindful Counseling, and we are talking about how partners and other caregivers and family members can support a woman who has potential signs of postpartum depression or mood disorders.

Elsa:  Yes.  So postpartum is going to be an emotional time, so tears, some anger, sadness, are all part of the experience.  After about two to three weeks out, if spouse or a friend or a mother is noticing maybe a mom is crying more than usual, isn’t really looking forward to things, has these unusual fears that they can’t seem to let go of.  Another sign would be not seeming to eat very much or either sleeping a lot or not being able to sleep when the baby is sleeping.  If they’re noticing those signs, it would maybe be a sign that they could go talk to somebody as far as a therapist or go see their doctor.  Approaching Mom would be in a way to not criticize mom as if she’s doing anything wrong.  She’s not doing anything wrong, so start off with validating, actually.  She’s doing a great job with how hard it is; validate how hard she’s working, and try to tell her that it doesn’t have to be this way.  She doesn’t have to do it alone.

Kristin:  How does the caregiver know if it is baby blues or if it’s something that she needs help for?  Because, of course, there can be that hormonal fluctuation.  They may be teary.

Elsa:  Baby blues usually stops after three weeks postpartum.  So after that would be maybe a sign that there’s more going on.  But I would say, is it getting it the way of functioning?  Is it getting in the way of relationships?  Is it getting in the way of their working in the home or outside of the home, getting those things done?  To a degree, that is expected postpartum; not everything running smoothly, but are relationships being affected?  Those would be signs that it’s more than just baby blues.

Kristin:  How can a spouse, partner, or caregiver be supportive in order to empower her to get help?  Is it best for them to directly reach out for help for her if they’re seeing signs, or what do you recommend?

Elsa:  I recommend the mom reaching out, so that would be encouraging Mom to reach out herself.  And maybe she needs to talk to a friend and have more time with friends or more time to herself; maybe that would help.  See how that works.  If that seems to help and is enough to alleviate whatever stress is going on, then that works, but maybe if it’s not working, then take it to another level, which would be contacting a therapist or your doctor.

Kristin:  And since, obviously, women have multiple doctors — they’re seeing their OB or midwife and family doctor and their pediatrician — does it matter who they’re speaking with about getting help?

Elsa:  No, it wouldn’t matter who you see.  Usually the OB would be the person that they’ve seen most recently, but they can even bring it up to the pediatrician, since moms see the pediatrician very often.

Kristin:  And as far as getting help for our local listeners and clients, they can reach out to you directly?  How do they access you at Mindful Counseling, Elsa?

Elsa:  They can go to the website, and they can contact me through there.  Another resource would be Pine Rest, and through your OB’s office, there also is a list of therapists who specialize in perinatal mood disorders, which includes postpartum depression and anxiety.

Kristin:  That’s so helpful.  And in past conversations, you had mentioned that women can bring their babies to therapy; that you allow that with clients you’re working with, and I know Pine Rest encourages that with their mother-baby program?

Elsa:  Yes, for sure.  Bring your baby to the session; you can feed the baby, breastfeed, anything.  Coming with your baby is welcomed and encouraged, for sure.

Kristin:  Do you have any final thoughts or tips to share?

Elsa:  Just that it doesn’t have to be going through this alone.  It’s very normalized for women to feel that anxiety is just part of the postpartum experience or feeling depressed and stressed is part of it, and while it might be a new phase and there’s a lot going on, it doesn’t have to be that women are just suffering through it.

Kristin:  Great point.  Thanks so much, Elsa, for being on!

 

Supporting a Postpartum Mother: Podcast Episode #79 Read More »

Connies Bridal Boutique

The Minority Bride: Podcast Episode #78

 


Alyssa:
Hi, welcome to Ask the Doulas. It’s Alyssa and I’m talking with Gaby again if you remember her. Last time she told us her lovely birth stories. Hi Gaby.

Gaby: Hi Alyssa, good to be back.

Alyssa: I want to learn about your business. So Connie’s Bridal Boutique.

Gaby: Yes.

Alyssa: Who’s Connie? Beause you’re not Connie.

Gaby: No. We’re not Connie. Connie’s actually the name that the original owner gave the store, it was her nickname. Her original name was Veit Vu, she’s a cute little Vietnamese lady. Maybe 5 feet.

Alyssa: Okay.

Gaby: She was a powerhouse of a woman. These dresses get heavy, so you’d just see her hauling dresses back and forth. My grandmother used to work with her and when she decided to retire we purchased the brand and the store.

Alyssa: Okay.

Gaby: And we kind of molded it a little bit more towards our personalities, and growth, and developed it a little bit further.

Alyssa: Okay. So I’ve been in your store. It’s huge! It’s not little, it’s huge. I walked in and I’m like, “Oh my God! Look at all this space.”

Gaby: Yes!

Alyssa: So tell me what did you change? What’s your target market? Do you have a certain type of dress? Do you kind of focus on one area or is it a pretty broad range?

Gaby: Yeah, when we originally bought the store, if we’re getting down to nitty gritty business, we used to be on 44th and Kalamazoo. I think that was her second or third location. The target audience when we originally bought it, was for brides looking for dresses and formal gowns from $100 to, I think it was, $800. Around there. We began molding it to a little bit of a higher price range, just because that good chunk of $100 – $800 dresses, a lot of that is online. So it’s not really long term, sustainable, at least for how we run it. Which is a lot of sample and special orders, we don’t have stock of the same dress in 30 sizes.

Alyssa: Okay.

Gaby: We might have a couple in a small and a large, but most of what we do is a custom dress, custom measurements, custom length. We specialize in that and customizations, custom additions, and our clientele is the minority bride. That falls in so many categories. It could be “last minute,” so less than 6 months. We often do weddings like 2 weeks, 1 week, we can have a quick turn around time. My grandmother is magic as far as alterations! Our formal bridal gowns are anywhere from $600 to $3,000 – $5,000. We’re kind of snug in the middle between David’s and then you have the beautiful Renee Austin and Becker’s, who is on the higher end.

Alyssa: Right.

Gaby: We’re kind of snug in the middle for our minority brides and whether that be size, whether that’s brides that purchase and then they go and get married and they have beautiful African ceremonies in Africa, so that’s kind of the whole other package. Beause they’re buying for people where bridesmaids aren’t all here. We serve a lot of our “minority brides” that have that spunky and creative need.

Alyssa: Okay. Yeah, when I went in it was your grandmother and your mother.

Gaby: Yes!

Alyssa: You said sometimes your sister’s even there?

Gaby: Sometimes my sister’s there. On Saturdays, it’s me and my sister comes to help on and off. I kind of finagled my way to be like, “Grandma you can take Saturdays off and I’ll be here on Saturdays.” So now she’s there Monday through Friday, which is when our alterations and more complicated orders if she needs to kind of see as far as detailed illusion neckline, or anything like that. Then we’ll see them Monday through Friday and on Saturday we’re just seeing brides in their beginning phases and if they need basic fittings, then I can, of course, do that. I can fit you and pin you, but if anyone’s cutting your dress, it’s her.

Alyssa: It’s gonna be grandma.

Gaby: Yeah, it’s gonna be grandma!

Alyssa: So we learned last time that you have two children. How do you balance a three-year-old, a six-year-old, and helping to run a bridal shop?

Gaby: Yeah, I’m extremely lucky in the flexibility that not only working with my grandmother but having … working with my grandmother in our own business, close to home. So it’s kind of like a great little triangle of support. So she definitely wanted to see the grandkids, so when I had my first daughter and even with my son, I think I worked up until a couple of days before I gave birth. If not, the day before. I was very active, I don’t like to just down. When I gave birth, it was strap them up, literally carried them on and off up until they got too big to be carried. That was great! I could bring them in whenever and if I really couldn’t bring them in, I didn’t have to come into work. It wasn’t like I had to bring in a doctor’s note, and then I could work from home or work on off days. So I can move my schedule around pretty freely. So that’s definitely been a great opportunity for me to work, but also raise my kids and be as involved as I need to be or they want me to be. If they want to go chaperone, it’s great during the week because we’re not too busy. So I can say, “Hey, I’m not gonna be here until… today or until next time. I’m gonna go in the morning, I’m gonna be with my daughter or my son all day and then they can come back and work.” Sometimes work means I have to work until 9 or after they go to sleep, I’m gonna have to finish that, or I’m answering emails in the middle of the night.

Alyssa: Typical business owner stuff. I feel like I’m doing that all the time. You take out a chunk of time during the day to spend with friends, or family, or your children, and you always have to make up for it later.

Gaby: Right, you make up for it later.

Alyssa: That’s like the pros and cons, right? Of having your own business.

Gaby: Exactly. It’s definitely been a balance for them, as well. Because we open on Saturdays, so it’s not like we can just do all kinds of fun activities on Saturdays. My friends are like, “Oh, we’re having birthday parties.” And I’m like, “That’s great, but I’m at work.” So we can’t really just take that off. It’s Sundays. Everybody on Sunday kind of has a different schedule. In our industry, our busy time’s during the summer. So our vacations are in the winter.

Alyssa: Which is perfect! You want to get out of Michigan in the winter.

Gaby: We do! Everybody’s like, “You want to go to the beach?” I’m like, “Yes!”

Alyssa: On Sunday, I will!

Gaby: On Sunday, I will. Or Sunday usually ends up being trying to manage your household in half a day. Like a crazy person! That you have not been able to do the whole week. We kind of balance that out and my friends are like, “You never come out!” Like, it’s not really vacation ever for us, unless it’s winter. And during wintertime, regular jobs they’re still working, but we can be like, “Oh, we’ll take December off.” Because we’ve been working nonstop until December and we’ll just take a couple of weeks off. So it’s kind of a balance of where do you … it’s good to find other entrepreneurs because they have similar rhythms. Where it’s like, “I’m kind of just checking to see if you’re breathing for six months.” And then you can really hang out with them.

Alyssa: Right.

Gaby: During the slow time I’m like, “Just send a quick text like, ‘Hey, are you alive?” Yeah, we’re just working away. It’s been good to connect with other entrepreneurs and other busy moms that are kind of doing more.

Alyssa: Yeah and I think it’s important because we are definitely a specific breed of business owners and mothers. Because I might have, like this morning, I randomly had time to go for a walk around the lake and what did I do? I texted a bunch of people, but the only one that responded was the other mom who owns her own business. She was like, “Oh yeah, I can get out for an hour.” So it is good to have that network because otherwise you do kind of feel isolated. Thinking all of these other moms that work during the day and then at night maybe they want to get together, but that’s when I actually need to spend time with my kid.

Gaby: Right, right! That’s kid time. My free time could be, “Oh yeah, I can meet with you in the morning when the kids are at school.” I can kind of plan that out. But when I pick the kids up from school, I need to make sure that I’m with the kids because Saturday/Sunday. One day I was working on putting crystals on a dress and that was consecutive days of working past midnight. I think the kids came one day to the shop and they like slept in the stuff for a couple of hours. I’m just like, “We gotta get this done! We gotta get this done!” So we don’t have time blocks, it’s definitely an adventure to find people that match your schedules. Also interests, but also match the schedule of when you can free time and then understand that maybe I will be free three Sundays in a row, maybe you won’t see me for 5 months.

Alyssa: Yeah, I used to be able to plan ahead. Now I’m like, “I don’t know.” Can I go for a walk tomorrow? I don’t know, text me tomorrow and I’ll see.

Gaby: I will know an hour before!

Alyssa: Right!

Gaby: I think we’re maybe doing a month ahead of time. In my house with family events, I’m usually like let’s bring out the book of calendars. Everybody just dish out appointment cards. Like, “Here’s your Mother’s Day event, here’s this, and here’s that.” And now we’re just like, “We don’t know what we’re going to do.” Sometimes you’re just overwhelmed that you just don’t do anything.

Alyssa: Yeah, to have a weekend of nothing is totally fine.

Gaby: I don’t want to plan anything. You know what sounds good? Just being home, and cooking, and eating.

Alyssa: I think it’s the other side of owning a business that people don’t realize. You know, “Oh, you have so much free time.” Or, “Oh, you run your own schedule.” But there’s this opposite side of it where you do feel, like I said, isolated or that nobody quite understands. So I love these mom groups, like how I met you at the Mom Brain group. There’s always something to talk about because we’re always going through these same struggles. They might be a little bit different, but deep down we’re moms and we own our own businesses and we know what it’s like to be like, “Oh, yeah. I’m working until midnight tonight and I still have to get my kid up. I haven’t made lunch for school. Oh, yeah, and it’s library day and I don’t know where the library book is.” All these 20 little things, all these little details, but you still have a business to run.

Gaby: Right. There’s still something else that kind of, depending, is like two different … which, being a mom in itself has so many independent tasks that happen individually. Like these completely unrelated tasks that happen independently.

Alyssa: Mm-hmm, but we’re doing them simultaneously, often.

Gaby: Yes, yes! With two different children. One is your business and two is your actual kids that are kind of just, “I need all this stuff.” And then all of a sudden, business might have an emergency or your kid might have an emergency and if you don’t build those connections, you might be left struggling a little bit.

Alyssa: Well, it would be really easy to burn out. If you didn’t have, like you said, if you didn’t work with your family and it’s super close to home, you have that support network built in. If somebody owned a business, had children, didn’t have family, didn’t have friends, didn’t have a support network, and had no plan in place for these emergencies, whether it was family or business, you burn out.

Gaby: Yeah, I would imagine you’d just kind of be sitting there feeling lonely. It’s not even like, “Somebody come and help!” But it’s just the pure connection of like, “I just want to talk to somebody.” Or just a quick text to kind of get your mind out of maybe something serious that’s happening. Okay, then you can relax and go back and focus on your job, or your kids, or whatever it is. That’s so important to be able to have that extra support, in a multitude of forms, kind of sprinkled all over your life so that you can progress and move through the really hard, complicated times. In the end, you love your job. That’s why you’re doing it! That’s why we’re crazy still there. We’re still holding on because you love what you do.

Alyssa: Yeah, you work with brides who are in this specific zone and we’re working with new moms who are in this specific zone. Although many of our clients are probably, I’d say the majority of them are married, we do have some who are pregnant and then getting married or getting married while pregnant. So do you work with clients who are pregnant and need a dress? You say the minority, that would be the minority. How do you help?  How does that dress grow with the belly if they’re not getting married right away?

Gaby: It definitely depends. The first thing for us is to make that bride feel comfortable. Some brides are just chill, they’re just loving it, they’re embracing what is happening. Some brides are nervous in the way of like, “This is not how I envisioned it.” Or it was how they envisioned it and they were fine with it, but there’s an outside pressure. So we want to make sure that that is relieved. Because once you are in a good, happy, neutral position, you can really see yourself in a wedding dress, calmy. Not like, “I need to cover this or I need to cover that.” You just want something that fits and that’s comfortable and it depends. Some brides are going to grow, right? They’re still going to be pregnant when they get married, so we have to talk about that. Are you going to come in the week before for alterations? Are we going to hold out until the week before? Couple of days before? Alter it and then it will fit and then take it? So it might be a last minute alteration. Or sometimes they buy it when they’re pregnant and then they’ll have the baby … it’s a bit of a guessing game. Are you going to buy it smaller? Are we going to allow for alteration costs to make it smaller? Is it a shape of a dress that can fit both ways? Are you going to be comfortable? Is it too tight for baby? You need to think about can you sit down, can you stand? Because you’re not as agile, though I’m clumsy anyway, so that was not a good clumsy pregnant mom that is wobbling through a bridal store was a funny scene. We just sit and talk with them and say, “How are you feeling?” Some moms have had multiple kids, so they’re like, “I don’t grow” or, “Tomorrow I’m going to be double the size. I’m just telling you for now.” And that’ll be fine. I had one bride, she was so sweet. She was like, “I’m going to be this size by the time I get married.” And she was. She knew! She’d already had children, so she was like, “I’m pregnant, I’m going to give birth and my body’s going to go relatively back to normal by the time I’m there.” It really ends up being a matter of a last minute alteration and just understanding that we just need mom and baby to be comfortable. If you want a nice, snug dress, it might have to be a different fabric versus a more stretchier fabric. Not because we can’t make it fit, I mean you can cut anything to fit anything, but just because it’s a little bit more flexible and movable, and not so restricting. Just a little bit more of guiding and consulting and you’re going to look beautiful! Everything’s going to come out good. Don’t worry about it!

Alyssa: So if we have any moms who are thinking about getting married, where do they find you? Tell us website, phone number, address. What’s the best place for people to find you?

Gaby: Yeah, well we have multiple ways of contacting us. We are on 28th Street, pasT Burlingame. We are next to Marge’s Donuts, so if you’re pregnant it’s always good.

Alyssa: I was going to mention that. Like, “Oh!” When I came to visit you, I couldn’t leave without visiting Marge’s on the way out.

Gaby: Yes, stop by and have a yummy snack. We have brides that come in with a very like, “I’m going to plan [to lose weight]!” If that is your healthy goal, we’re going to support you and empower you for it. But we don’t want you to be like, you need to all of a sudden only eat lettuce for the next six months. We want to make sure that you are being healthy with your path and if this is how your fiance is seeing you right now. Like he proposed to you right now, he’s loving you, he’s going to care for you, he’s going to embrace you no matter what. We want to dress you how you are, not with the pressure that you have from somebody else. You can find us next to Marge’s Donuts. Go ahead, we support your purchase of donuts, cakes, custard-filled pastries, bring us one on the way back if you’re coming before! We are on Facebook, it’s Connie’s Bridal. You can find us on Instagram, you can give us a call at (616) 455-5233. Our website is the same, which I think nowadays is the easiest thing to do.

Alyssa: Cool. What about the LGBTQ community? Have you ever had two brides? Because we do get calls from-

Gaby: Yeah, of course. Like I said, that’s our main focus is to make you feel comfortable, and empowered in your decision. If you’re wanting a suit, if you’re wanting two dresses, if you want a mini dress, if you want to alter something, we can do that. What I mainly see is the hesitation. Come on in, if you need extra time. That’s for any brides if you feel like you’re going to need extra time, if you’re going to need extra space, if you’re going to need extra quiet, or you’re going to need extra quiet because your support group is extra loud! We like to accommodate for that. Two bridess, we just want to support and celebrate alongside of you.

Alyssa: I love it. Thank you for sharing.

Gaby: Yeah, you’re welcome.

Alyssa: So yeah, check her out if you’re in the market for a wedding dress. As always, you can find us at goldcoastdoulas.com, Instagram, Facebook, and you can listen to our podcasts on SoundCloud and iTunes.

 

The Minority Bride: Podcast Episode #78 Read More »

Birth Stories

Gaby’s Birth Stories: Podcast Episode #77

Gaby is a local business owner in Grand Rapids and talks to Alyssa about the birth stories of both of her children. You can listen to this complete podcast episode on iTunes or SoundCloud.

Alyssa: Hi, welcome to Ask the Doulas podcast. I am Alyssa and I’m excited to be here with Gaby today. How are you?

Gaby: Hi, I’m great, Alyssa.

Alyssa: So we met a couple of months ago?

Gaby: Yes.

Alyssa: Was it the Mom Brain meet up?

Gaby: We did, yeah.

Alyssa: Yeah, and we got to talking about your lovely little bridal shop. I shouldn’t call it little, we’ll talk about that in another episode. But you have three children?

Gaby: I have two.

Alyssa: Two children.

Gaby: And a fur baby!

Alyssa: But you didn’t birth that one!

Gaby: Yeah, no.

Alyssa: I just wanted to talk about your stories. So our moms who are pregnant love hearing positive birth stories and it’s not to say that even though your birth story – the outcome may be positive, but there weren’t crazy things that happened along the way.

Gaby: Yeah.

Alyssa: I think there are so many people telling you, oh, just wait until… You know? And they tell you negative things about pregnancy, about labor and delivery, about postpartum, and then every year as your kid grows, oh, you just wait until… So I like to give our listeners some positive stories. So tell me about your kids. How old are they now?

Gaby: I have two kids. My oldest, Aurora. She’s going to be six this year. And my youngest, Andreas, he’s going to be three this year. They’re a good amount apart, but still kind of fighting the ages right there.

Alyssa: Yeah. What was it like having a three-year-old and a newborn?

Gaby: She had just surpassed the age of needing me 100% of the time. She was starting to be independent and she was very involved and loving, but there was still that balance of like, she’s still not 100% independent. But I like that space. I wouldn’t personally go any closer. I know I have friends and moms that are like, I just like to have my babies super close so that I’m having babies all at the same time. And I’m like, that sounds very overwhelming!

Alyssa: I think it’s very overwhelming in that stage. I was actually just talking to a girlfriend today who did that and she was like, It was so overwhelming! I don’t even know how I made it through. She goes, “But now, it’s so easy. They’re all within the same age range and they’re all independent. And they all just go play outside for two hours together.” So I can see the beauty of both ends, I guess.

Gaby: Yeah and now since she’s a little bit different, she’s still kind of interested in what he’s interested in, and can also watch him a relative amount of – you know, she’s kind of on the lookout a little bit. So she’s enjoying that responsibility of like, I’m in charge and don’t do that.

Alyssa: Oh yeah, my daughter’s six and she would love to be a big sister.

Gaby: Yeah. She’s like, don’t do that. Or she’ll run inside like, “Mom!” Okay, let’s go through the emergency levels here. Not everything is 100% red flag, our house is on fire, emergency.

Alyssa: So how were your deliveries with both of them? Were they pretty similar or completely different?

Gaby: They were relatively similar. I like to talk a look at all the possibilities and when I originally was planning to get pregnant and got pregnant, I was like, gve me all the drugs. Let’s set a date for the delivery, just give me all the drugs, and it’ll be quick and simple, and I’ll be in and out, and I’ll look great. You know, in a week I’ll be fabulous.

Alyssa: Instagram perfect, right?

Gaby: Yes! It’ll be fabulous! And that’s when I started reading up more on it and because of my tendencies already – so for example, my back has always kind of been sore, in pain, or more on the delicate side, and I started seeing the complications with medications and where they go and how they go and how they affect you. I started to explore a more natural way, more hands-off, with still keeping in mind, If I need it, that’s open. So not ever being like, I don’t want it no matter what. But just being like, I want to go in with the mindset of as much hands-off as possible. And then with the nurses and the doctors, because I trusted them if it really needed to be done, or if I needed medication or an intervention, then I was okay with doing that. And it was relatively – the pregnancy itself, I was sick! Sick, sick, sick, sick, sick! I think I lost weight until the last couple of months. And she was right on time and it was a relatively – I don’t know if it’s long, but it was almost like 12-20 hour from start to finish. But I think the active labor was maybe 6 hours? I was in a lot of pain. It seemed like, I can’t even tell you how long it was, but the active labor wasn’t that long.

Alyssa: Did you end up begging for an epidural?

Gaby: No, I didn’t. What ended up happening is they gave me Stadol at the last stages because I was refusing to sit down, to lay down, because it just hurt so much more. So when the contractions started they put me in a little tub, but as it started to get more intense I just couldn’t be sitting down. So most of the labor my partner and I were just on our feet. So I would be on my feet and then the contraction would come and I would obviously just collapse and he would just kind of hold me. Like underarms hold me through the contraction. Then the doctor’s like, you need to rest! You’ve been on your feet most of the labor. And I was like, I can’t, it hurts! They’d try to lay me down and I’d be like, “No!” It was just not good. It definitely helped me rest once I took the medicine and I don’t want to say it took the pain away, but it definitely helped ease the transition from standing up and the anxiety of like, If I lay down, it’s going to hurt more. She came and it was everybody focus! Don’t talk to me, focus! And she was delivered. There weren’t any complications. She came out great and everybody in my family waited until we were in the other room to come in.

Alyssa: Yeah, I was going to say, who was in the room with you?

Gaby: Just my partner at the time. Yes, I was very adamant about that. In fact, my grandmother tried to come in a couple of times and she was like, do you need anything? And I’m like, There’s nothing you can do! Please, I need some space. And I think it really helped me focus in the moment and just continuously tell myself, your body is meant to do this, to go through it, don’t panic. I just had to be like, don’t panic, just breathe in. You’re supposed to do this. If something were to go wrong, someone’s going to tell you if something’s wrong, they’re going to intervene. But as long as they’re just like, hey, everything’s okay! I’m trusting my environment and my body that this is what it’s supposed to do.

Alyssa: So was that intentional decision to only have you in your partner in the room for your first baby?

Gaby: Yes.

Alyssa: Because you wanted to focus.

Gaby: Yes and I feel like I would get distracted. And my mom, I love her to death, she’s great. She actually works in the emergency room. She’s an interpreter. But when it comes to family emergencies, she gets really panicky. And at that time with my daughter, she was actually in Florida, so it wasn’t too bad. It was just my grandma kind of coming in. And I think after the second time, I was like, I will see you when it’s done. Please, I’m fine. There’s nothing really. I guess in my head it’s kind of like, what can you really do? And I have friends that have everybody in there. Like a photographer and the neighbor. They’re great, they love it. They just want all the hugs and kisses and I just want everyone like, we’re here to work. We’re here to get from A to B, but we’re going to do it. So I told everybody, you cannot be out until I’m in the next room. And for the most part, they listened.

Alyssa: Minus grandma, twice.

Gaby: Minus grandma! I think she was just – you know, I think it’s definitely shocking. Your loved ones want to like, how can I make it better?

Alyssa: Well how did your partner react? Because often times they’re the ones who, you know, I want to fix this. I want to help and there’s nothing I can do.

Gaby: We had been together for a while and I definitely have a – in my life in general, when I’m sick I have the same kind of reaction. So he kind of knew that I was going to need specific help and we kind of were like – he knew. And he knew that if I needed something I would ask or that for example, really he was just there literally as a support because I was on my feet. And then the next time he was just there to make sure – I was like, I just need you to make sure that if I cannot vocalize what I want, this is what I want. That we have decided together. And he was just kind of there, vigilant, just checking, which kind of also brought me a little bit of peace of mind. Like, I have someone that isn’t trying to deliver a baby. I think they were 7.8 and then my other one was like 8.7.

Alyssa: But in your head, you were probably like, this must be a 12-pound baby.

Gaby: Whatever is coming out, I’m doing it and he’s not and he can say, go through the checklist.

Alyssa: Right!

Gaby: I’m very – I like to take charge and so at that point, there was only one thing that I was going to be able to focus. We had talked about it and I think he definitely – I have a very like, don’t get close to me unless I need it kind of vibe when I’m in pain. But again, I just kept thinking, this is something that happens. That’s supposed to happen, that you’re meant to happen. Like, you’re body’s prepared for even though you’ve never personally gone through it before, but it’s supposed to kind of go this route.

Alyssa: So how did that affect baby number two knowing you’ve been through this before, you knew your pain thrthreshold did that help?

Gaby: I actually thought I was not as far along than I actually was. With both of them! So don’t time your contractions in your head. Make sure you’re using an actual timer. With my son, when I got in they were like, do you want medication? Do you want some Stadol right now? I was like, Oh, no! I still have time. I’ve only been here a couple ho ofurs. With my daughter, I was here, it wasn’t until like midnight or you know, until I got Stadol, so I still have a couple hours of labor.

They didn’t say anything, they were like, okay, fine. You don’t want medicine right now, we understand. And then when it started getting worse and I was like, okay, I’m ready!

Alyssa: Give me some!

Gaby: And they were like, you’re too far along. And I’m like, wait, what do you mean? It hasn’t been that long. I had already labored outside of the hopsital longer and I must have been dilated much faster, obviously, because it was my second.

Alyssa: Right.

Gaby: So it was kind of a shock to me like, wait, I’m not – this is going to happen without anything. So with my son, I didn’t have any medication. And he just kind of – I don’t think the doctor was a little – she didn’t even have time to put gloves on. ‘Cause when they were like, you don’t need medication, you’re far along. I’m like, oh. And then a little bit after that, like less than 30 minutes, I was like, it’s time! You have to wait until you feel pressure. I’m like, yes! I’m checking it off, yes. And they’re like, no, it’s going to be a little bit. And then the doctors come in so relaxed. They’re so relaxed. And I’m like, ma’am. You should probably move along. And she sits on her little stool and I’m just kind of watching her like, she shouldn’t be this calm because I’m feeling it. It’s coming. She’s coming. And she literally turns around and she’s like, let me put my gloves on. And I’m like, nope! And she’s like, what do you mean? And she’s like, oh my God. And she just – she’s like, okay. And she catches him – he comes out.

Alyssa: No gloves? No time.

Gaby: She didn’t have time for gloves.

Alyssa: Oh my gosh.

Gaby: Yeah.

Alyssa: So I mean it kind of was a totally different experience. I mean, very quick.

Gaby: Yeah.

Alyssa: You probably wouldn’t call it painless, but it was a lot less drawn out.

Gaby: No. It was a lot less drawn out pain and I don’t know if I was – I don’t want to say I was used to the pain. I was in pain – like the muscles on the inside of my legs had decided they were too sore the whole pregnancy, so I was in a lot of pain consistantly. Kind of like jolts of pain. I don’t know if I was used to pain and then it was a faster delivery and he was just kind of like, I’m ready. And he just slid right out.

Alyssa: Do you think that as first time moms, since we don’t know what to expect, our brains kind of tell us that it’s going to be worse than it is?

Gaby: I think it definitely contributes to that and sitting down and talking to friends – the stories are not there for us. Like my friends and I are not like, I wish somebody would have sat down and talked about the actual labor. Honestly, not in a, I’m going to scare you. Not in a warning, not in a, don’t get pregnant because then labor’s painful. But in a, let’s go through everything, compare notes. So that you can be at least aware of what actually happens. Be prepared for the pain. As women, we have pain every month. Some of us more than every month. I think we’re much more capable, but we have this background fear of labor and delivery.

Alyssa: What are a few of those things that you would say to a new mom who has no idea?

Gaby: I think that mostly would be educate yourself with actually facts. Educate yourself in how you yourself react to pain in just your everyday life. Are you squimish? Are you not squimish? How your partner does that? How are you going to communicate? Some people can’t communicate when they’re in pain. Does that need to be talked about beforehand? You can bring your $200 ball to sit on, but I could not sit on the ball. It wasn’t mine. I didn’t pay for it, so I was grateful that I didn’t invest in a birthing ball that I didn’t need. So there’s going to be so many switches. Just kind of learn to be a little bit more go with the flow, ‘cause in the end – I want to say it’s like the baby in your body that’s going to be in charge of what happens. I just kept telling myself like, just breathe. Breathe through it, not because it’s going to minimize the pain, but because it’s going to help focus where I’m going out of the pain.

Alyssa: Sounds like you could have benefited from our hypnobirthing class. It’s like learning physiologically what’s going to happen. You know, what’s going on in your body, what’s happening during a contraction, what’s happening during active labor, but then like you said – so you’re ahead of most knowing that, let’s talk about how I deal with pain and how I process things. Do I like to be touched? Do I not like to be touched? Do I hold all my tension here? So knowing that and talking to your partner about that ahead of time is a big part of what the hypnobirthing class is about. Let’s focus on these things and practice how are we going to deal with that when we’re in this situation.

Gaby: Yeah and you definitely have to – we work so hard in preparing the room, and the baby, and all the stuff, but that moment is so small comparatively speaking, but it’s so intense. And it can leave such a big mark if it gets too complicated. So I feel like being prepared for a lot of stuff makes the load a little bit lighter. ‘Cause you already have the answers and you know what to expect. I didn’t realize that my doctor wasn’t going to be there until the very end. This whole time I’m like, I want my doctor. I’ve known her for a million years and we’re best friends. They didn’t call her until the end. Then when I realized, the nurses were just fabulous. They’re the ones that are going to take care of you. So it’s great to have a great relationship with your doctor, but going into where you’re going to give birth and seeing the support and the nurses – the support staff, I guess depending on where we give birth, they’re going to be there for the long run. They’re really invested in you because they’re there with you the whole time.

Alyssa: Yeah. Labor and delivery nurses are amazing.

Gaby: Yeah, yeah. I was kind of worried that – because I wasn’t going to be in a hospital, they were going to be like, we’re going to wire you up and we’re going to put all the juices in you. And I was like, I don’t want -. But it wasn’t like that at all. I didn’t feel forced into a certain way that they were doing things.

Alyssa: Well, is there anything else that you would love to share?

Gaby: I just wish we would trust our decisions more and be more confident in what we can handle, as far as labor and delivery. Again, if you want that support group there around you, and you know you need it, and that’s how you’ve been your whole entire life like you want mom, and aunt, and everybody, and the dog, that’s great. But if all of a sudden because you’re giving birth everybody wants to sign up and come and take pictures, don’t do it. It’ll be a good first start to parenting and being with family. It’s not about you not loving or caring, or that you don’t want them involved ever in the life of the baby, but that is such a critical moment that you can’t have extra people that you’re really not going to ulitize or that you’re going to feel like you’re trapped in that room for a long time.

Alyssa: Yeah, so often family members can make us feel – like guilt us into doing things that we don’t feel are right. And this is, like you said, the first step in a very long journey of parenting where you have to do what’s best for you and your family and not everybody else.

Gaby: Right. I probably would have been mad to see my sister on her phone while I’m mid contraction.

Alyssa: Right! You better not be posting anything to Facebook.

Gaby: Yeah. Like, how can you be relaxing? I’m mid contraction! You know, let’s not get angry. Let’s just focus on that.

Alyssa: I did the same thing, so I totally understand.

Gaby: People are so hesitant to say – They don’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings and I think it’s – now that we’re learning a little more emotional tintelligence, think we can put responsibility on both parts. One to say no and the other part to understand. Hopefully everybody understands if you want to draw that line.

Alyssa: Well, thank you so much for sharing.

Gaby: You’re welcome. Thank you for having me.

Alyssa: We will have you on again. I want to learn a little bit more about your business and what it’s like. I love talking to moms who are business women as well.

Gaby: Yeah, I can’t wait.

Alyssa: Thanks, everyone for listening. You can find us on iTunes and Sound Cloud. Again ,this is Ask the Doulas. You can find us at goldcoastdoulas.com, Instagram, and Facebook. Thanks for listening.

 

Gaby’s Birth Stories: Podcast Episode #77 Read More »

Jamie Platt

Jamie’s Breastfeeding Experience: Podcast Episode #76

Jamie Platt, Birth and Postpartum Doula with Gold Coast Doulas, tells us about three completely different breastfeeding experiences with her three children.  This podcast was recorded over a year ago, and Jamie is now a certified lactation counselor.  You can listen to this complete podcast episode on iTunes or SoundCloud.

Alyssa:  Hi, welcome to another episode of Ask the Doulas.  I am Alyssa, your host for today, and today we have a special guest, Jamie.  Hello!

Jamie:  Hi!

Alyssa:  Thanks for coming!  So we were talking the other day, and you’ve had three really, really different experiences with breastfeeding with your three children.  Tell us a little bit about your three kids and how breastfeeding went differently for each of them.

Jamie:  Sure!  So I have three children.  My oldest son, Noah, is 14.  And then my two younger children are five and three.  So I was a young parent and gave birth to my oldest, Noah, when I was 21.  My breastfeeding journey with him was very short and limited.  I knew I wanted to breastfeed, and I received a manual pump, I remember, at my baby shower.

Alyssa:  Did you even know what it was?

Jamie:  No!  No one ever showed me how to use it.  I knew what it was for, and that’s it.  And I remember in the hospital, no one ever gave me any tips about breastfeeding.  It was expected that I was going to breastfeed.  My mom breastfed all three of us for over a year.  It was challening not knowing what to do with breastfeeding.  The funniest story I remember from that journey was, since I was young, I went back to work right away.  I was coaching volleyball at the time, and I went to a tournament and coached all day.  I didn’t bring a pump; I didn’t know that I was supposed to be pumping this whole time.

Alyssa:  That’s what this whole manual pump was for!

Jamie!  Yes!  And I looked down during a break at a game, and my shirt was all wet!  I had leaked through my shirt, so I had to put a sweatshirt over me, and of course, it was so hot in the gym all day.  And shortly after that, I stopped nursing.  I don’t recall how old my son was, but it had to be within a month or two.  And so I wish, looking back, that someone had sat down with me, shown me what I needed to do to nurse and to pump, but that didn’t happen.

Alyssa:  Do you think that it lasted such a short period of time because — I mean, did your milk supply just dry up because you were back at work and not pumping?  Or did you just say, I’m so over this; I’m just going to stop?

Jamie:  It’s hard to remember the details.  I just remember stopping.  I was in school at the time and working, and just one day, I stopped.

Alyssa:  So a lot of things all mixed together, I’m sure.

Jamie:  Yeah.  So when my second child was born — he’s five now — I knew I wanted to do things differently.  I was older and wiser; knew a little bit more about breastfeeding, but still not enough to know what to do in certain situations.  I nursed him until he was about 18 or 19 months old.

Alyssa:  Wow!  So you learned a lot more, then.  I mean, in nine years time, to go from one month to 19 months.

Jamie:  True.  There were just a few different barriers along the way.  I was a single parent, so I went back to work when he was around three months old.  However, he wouldn’t take a bottle at the time, so with that situation, my sister came to my home and was watching him for me, but she would bring him to my work, or I would quick drive home on my break just to feed him, and that lasted a good one or two months.  And I knew what to do at the time, as far as I was trying different bottles, but I did feel quite alone trying to figure this out.  And then while working, I pumped for over a year.  Another obstacle I had to overcome was with coworkers.  A friend of mine told me that a coworker complained to my manager that I was still pumping, and my child had reached a year old, so I shouldn’t have these pumping breaks anymore.  And the manager never said anything to me, but I had heard this through the work grapevine.  I also had an experience around the time he was a year old with his pediatrician at the time.  We went in for his one year well child check, and they ask you if you have any questions.  And I asked about nighttime feedings.  I think that’s a popular topic.  He was still feeding through the night, and it didn’t bother me, but at the time, I thought it was something to bring up.  The pediatrician told me that I had to stop nighttime nursing immediately, that she had done it with her kids; he’ll be fine, that he was going to get cavities — which we know from research that that is not true.

Alyssa:  Cavities from breastmilk?

Jamie:  Yes, during the night.  That’s still kind of a popular myth that’s out there.  And the big thing she told me was that he wouldn’t be potty trained by the time he was eight, and that sticks into my mind because she chose the year eight.

Alyssa:  Okay, that’s really confusing.  If you breastfeed your one-year-old at night, they won’t be potty trained when they’re eight?

Jamie:  Yes.  So this wasn’t our usual pediatrician; she had stepped in.  And immediately after she told me these things, I wanted to leave.  I stayed, but she could tell that there was a problem because I was silent.  She asked me if there was anything wrong, and I said yes, I don’t agree with anything that you’re saying!  The visit ended shortly after that.  I was kind of angry that she was telling me these things because I knew better.  So I called my dentist’s office, and I asked them about the cavities with breastfeeding.  I reached out to other individuals that I knew were very knowledgeable about breastfeeding and asked them different questions, and I ended up looking up scholarly articles, anything that had to do with research, that I could bring back to her and tell her that she was wrong.  I ended up calling the office a few days later.  I had all my stuff in front of me when I called.  I spoke to the manager, and I ended up speaking to the pediatrician.  I remember telling her that I felt sorry for her patients that believed everything she told them.  I said, “I am an educated person, but some people might not know as much about breastfeeding or they don’t know to do the research about it before making a decision, and they would go along with what you said.”  And she apologized.  She said she had no research to back up the potty training claim.

Alyssa:  Oh, wow.

Jamie: And she did end up sending me something in the mail, as well.  Ever since that encounter is when I became passionate about breastfeeding and being up to date on the research about it, sharing with others about it.

Alyssa:  And you joined several lactation support groups, correct?  You belong to a couple now?

Jamie:  I am on a couple of local Facebook groups about breastfeeding, and I talk to a lot of my friends about breastfeeding.  I just really want to educate people more about it, after that encounter.  So that’s just when I really started to delve into researching more about breastfeeding and the benefits that it has for both mother and baby.

Alyssa:  So what happened after the pediatrician visit and you realized that information was wrong?  Did you continue nighttime feeds?

Jamie:  I continued nighttime feeds.

Alyssa:  No cavities, and he potty trained?

Jamie:  No cavities, and I left that office and found a new pediatrician.  He’s a healthy, happy little boy.  He did end up weaning on his own because I was pregnant with my youngest at the time, and I could tell that had something to do with that.  But I was the working, pumping mom.  I brought my pump to work every day.  And it is a lot of work to pump at work, making the time to take those breaks.  I worked in a busy medical office, and it is hard to say, “I need to do this for my child,” when you know that other people are picking up your slack for a little bit.  But I think if, as a culture, we all realize that breastfeeding is good for mom; it’s good for babies; it’s good for our society.

Alyssa:  And aren’t there studies that say that women who breastfeed actually overall have a better sense of self-esteem, better sense of self, almost?  Like, they are actually more productive, even though we like to look at them and say, oh, well, I have to pick up your slack while you’re pumping?  Well, you know what, because you’re pumping, you actually are more productive when you are working.  Does that make sense?  I swear I’ve read things about that.

Jamie:  I’m not sure about that, but I do know that research shows that mothers miss less work because their babies are sick less and they’re not taking their kids to the doctor.  So it’s better for the economy overall.  We actually save millions of dollars; the United States saves millions of dollars every year through moms breastfeeding, so it’s important that you support your coworkers if they’re nursing.  It’s for a relatively short time in the grand scheme of things, and it’s great to also find those breastfeeding buddies at work.  I had other moms that nursed.  I had my nice, double electric pump, and it hurt when I pumped, but I never could figure out why, and finally I complained about it to a coworker who was also pumping.  She was a little more experienced mother, and she helped me realize that part of my pump was too small.

Alyssa:  Were the nipple shields too small?

Jamie: The flanges were too small, yeah, so I had to buy new ones, and that made a world of difference.  So it’s really helpful to find a more seasoned breastfeeding friend who can help you along your journey, because there’s lots of little things that you may not know about.

Alyssa:  Or a lactation consultant, right, if you get into those serious binds?

Jamie:  Yes.  Thankfully, I’ve never had mastitis or a clogged duct, but if I did, I definitely would have called a lactation consultant for help.

Alyssa:  So tell us about your third child.  I think your youngest has been a little bit longer, so tell us how that journey went.

Jamie:  Yeah, so my daughter turned three on Halloween, and I am still nursing her.  So this is definitely another new experience for me.  I would never have imagined I would be nursing a child for this long.  I have realized that I did have some preconceived notions about extended nursing; maybe some judgmental thoughts about it, as well.  And I honestly still struggle a little bit with those internally myself as I’m still nursing, thinking, man, you know, you should really stop; you should be done.  And while I would love to be done, I do want my daughter to wean on her own.  I tell myself I am decreasing my risk of ovarian cancer every time I nurse!  Even when you nurse your baby longer than the one or two years, it’s still healthy for Mom and it’s still healthy for Baby, and it’s been a very different experience doing this.

Alyssa:  So tell people what it looks like.  Having a three year old; it’s not going to be nursing every three hours.  Is it a nighttime feed kind of thing, or when she’s sick or tired?  Is it more like a comfort thing almost at this point?

Jamie:  It is more of a comfort thing.  She nurses at night.  However, I’ve been on three or four extended trips, and by extended, I mean I’ve been gone for four to six days at a time at conferences, and thinking every time I leave, this will be our last nursing session, and I come back and I don’t bring it up, but she still wants to nurse.  So it is usually just at night; if she’s feeling sick, then she’ll nurse a little bit more.

Alyssa:  And you don’t lose your milk supply after six days of being gone with no nursing?

Jamie:  I did not.  The first time I went away, she had just turned two, and it was the first time I had ever been away overnight from her, actually, when she was two.  So I did bring a pump with me, but I didn’t produce a lot when I pumped, so I knew that for my next trip, I wasn’t going to bring a pump with me.  But I still have a supply, and I was lucky enough with her, as well, to stay home with her for almost the first full year and nurse, and that was just a blessing.  I hadn’t been able to do that before with a child, and it was so nice not to have to pump for that time!  And then right around a year is when I started nursing school, and so I would pump when I was away from her.  And I finally decided to stop pumping.  Pumping is so hard!  If you’ve done it, you know!  And we’ve just been nursing ever since.

Alyssa:  Well, it sounds like a lovely plan.  You know, you say you had maybe judgments about nursing for that long.  What still bothers you that you think shouldn’t, or what have you had to tell yourself to get those thoughts out of your mind?

Jamie:  It’s still hard to get over the way our culture thinks about breastfeeding.  That you shouldn’t breastfeed in public; Mom should cover up; anything over a certain age is gross or weird, or why are you doing that?  Once they have teeth you should stop; once they start talking and can ask for it, you should stop.  All these different things our culture tells us about breastfeeding is a little backwards.  We know, if we went to a different country or a different culture, that things are definitely different than they are in the United States, but it’s just the media that always sexualizes breastfeeding as well, and you grow up with that.  So you’re growing up in this culture that sexualizes breasts, when we know that you use them also to breastfeed your child!  And so for me, it’s just getting past those thoughts that I’ve had growing up about breastfeeding and just telling myself this is normal and it’s okay to do.  It’s not hurting anyone.  It’s my decision as a mother.  It’s been a really neat and wonderful journey that I never though I’d be on.

Alyssa:  Well, and I imagine nursing a three-month-old and a three-year-old, you’re probably not going to attempt to breastfeed your three-year-old in public.  Or have you?

Jamie:  I don’t, but she doesn’t ask to, either.

Alyssa:  So it’s almost like you guys have this unspoken thing; that it’s something in private that you two do together, and I’m sure it’s still this amazing, beautiful bonding experience, just like it is with a newborn.

Jamie:  Definitely a strong bond, and again, I as a mother and a parent and working, I did reach a time where I wanted to be done.  I’m like, okay, we can be done with this now!  But I’m just letting her take the lead with it, and I can tell you that I do hope she’s done relatively soon!  I have another week-long trip coming up in three weeks.

Alyssa:  Maybe that will be it?

Jamie:  Yeah, we’ll see if that’s the end of our journey.

Alyssa:  You know, I wonder culturally, too, if it was a son who was three, would it be different, because of the sexualization of breasts?  Would it be different if it were a boy?  I don’t know; can they remember that at three when they get older?  I don’t know.  Just a thought that I wonder if that would make a difference.

Jamie:  I’m not sure.  I’m sure that for some people, a boy versus a girl breastfeeding is different.  I’ve had people very close to me tell me I should stop breastfeeding.  This was with my middle son when he was around six months.  I was still nursing, and I got asked, when are you going to stop?  He’s six months old!  And I tried to throw all the evidence-based research at them to show them that this was still okay; the AAP and WHO, all these big organizations say you should breastfeed until one.  And so then I got to one, despite people telling me to stop.  I just pretty much ignored them because I can be stubborn like that, and when he turned one, I got the same comments again.  When are you going to stop?  And it’s funny that once I just plowed through all the negativity and judgmental comments, I haven’t had those same comments with my last child, because I think those people know — well, obviously, she’s three now, but when she was younger, they knew I was going to continue breastfeeding her for as long as I wanted to.  So people may not talk about it a lot, but I have had the challenges at work with comments from people; I’ve had people very close to me have very negative comments about breastfeeding, and you see all the big media stories that just happen to pop up because social media is so prevalent now.  It is everywhere, but there’s all those things that women that you know may be experiencing but they don’t talk about it.  It doesn’t reach the news.  And so we really need to support everyone in their own breastfeeding journey because you don’t know what someone may be going through.

Alyssa:  Right, and I think as postpartum doulas, we have a unique experience and a unique opportunity to deal with this with new moms right when they come home with their babies, to really help support them.  Maybe we are that one person who’s cheering them on, in the face of everyone else who’s saying, why in the world would you do that?  Or isn’t that weird?  I remember having friends saying things that were trying to make it sexual when it’s not at all!  It’s something you can’t even describe to someone who doesn’t understand, this crazy bond.  And I get that.  Like, you so want to quit; some days, you’re just like, God, when is this going to be done?  But then when it finally is, you don’t get that back!  And then you actually kind of miss it.  It’s like you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone.  And I do; I think back on it.  My daughter just turned five, so it’s been a long time since she breastfed, but I think back to those days, and there’s nothing like it.

Jamie:  One of the things that I really love about being a postpartum doula is the fact that I get to help mothers with breastfeeding.  That’s something I really enjoy, especially — they may have gotten some help from the lactation consultant at the hospital, but when they get home, that’s another ballgame.  Problems can start to arise.  They don’t feel confident anymore.  They think their milk’s not coming in.  So it’s really a blessing to support them.

Alyssa:  That’s one of the biggest fears for moms, I feel like, who are breastfeeding, is how do I know that the baby’s getting enough milk?  How do I know that the latch is right?  How is this supposed to feel?  There’s just so many questions about this thing that’s supposed to be so natural.  Like, we have boobs to breastfeed and it should be so natural, but it’s sometimes one of the most frustrating and difficult parts of having a baby, I feel like.

Jamie:  Definitely.  I would strongly recommend, if you are having problems with breastfeeding, there’s a lot of community support right in our own area.  There’s breastfeeding support groups from the hospitals; Le Leche League; we have wonderful lactation consultants in our area that will go to your home.  So it’s really important to utilize the resources that you have and reach out for help.

Alyssa:  Shira is our in-house lactation consultant, and having that consult in your home: it’s quiet; it’s one-on-one.  There’s nobody in the hospital coming to check your blood pressure and poke and prod you.  She spends two hours with them at that first visit, and she really gets to know you and what’s going on and figure out a solution.  So I feel like, yeah, that’s — I wish; if only I had known Shira four and a half years ago!

Jamie:  She’s very knowledgeable!  I do have lots of friends who ask me questions about breastfeeding, but I have sent her a quick text to say, hey, this is out of my scope of knowledge; can you help me with this problem?  And she helps me out.

Alyssa:  I think it’s great to have the support of postpartum doulas, and you have even more extensive knowledge than I do because of all the groups you’ve been in and the research you’ve done.  I’ve breastfed one child; you’ve done three.  I feel like we can do only so much for clients, though.  It’s good to know that they have a resource beyond our scope, to really help with the hard things.

Jamie:  Definitely!

Alyssa:  Well, thanks for sharing your stories!  If anyone has questions about breastfeeding or more questions for Jamie, in particular, you can always reach us at info@goldcoastdoulas.com.  Remember, these moments are golden!

 

Jamie’s Breastfeeding Experience: Podcast Episode #76 Read More »

Breastfeeding Tongue Tie

What’s the tongue have to do with breastfeeding? Podcast Episode #75

Hear two experts talk about the link between a baby’s tongue and breastfeeding.  What are some signs of a tongue tie and what does that procedure even look like?  Shira Johnson, IBCLC, and Dr. Katie Swanson, Certified Pediatric Dentist, give us some insight into breastfeeding a newborn.  You can listen to this complete podcast episode on iTunes or SoundCloud.

Alyssa:  Hello!  Welcome to Ask the Doulas.  I am Alyssa Veneklase.  I am sitting here today with two lovely ladies, Katie Swanson and Shira Johnson, and we are going to talk about breastfeeding and oral growth and development.  Hello!  So we don’t really have an agenda for what we’re going to talk about per se, but before we started, I was kind of asking, like, well, you know, as a dentist, you send clients to a lactation consultant, or does the lactation consultant send clients to a dentist, and how soon, and what does that relationship even look like?

Dr. Katie:  Yeah, Shira, what do you see in a patient that makes you want to send them to me?

Shira:  Yeah, so I see babies of all ages.  I see newborn babies; I see older babies, and really, regardless of the age, if I am noticing something, I’m always seeing them in some capacity related to feeing, usually breastfeeding, and when I’m seeing them and there are any kinds of feeding difficulties, I do an oral exam, and if I’m noticing anything out of the ordinary or anything that might suggest that the baby is having trouble using their mouth optimally, then I often refer to a dentist.

Alyssa:  Even as a newborn?

Shira:  Even as a newborn, yeah.  Infants can have things going on with their mouth.  People have probably heard of tongue tie, so that’s one example of something that I might be looking for signs and symptoms of.

Alyssa:  Should we talk a little bit more about tongue tie?  Because I know you have a very special machine.

Dr. Katie:  Yeah!  So when I meet a baby for the first time, we do an exam with Mom, Dad, or whoever the caregiver is, where we examine the mouth and all the attachments in the mouth.  We have an attachment from our lip to our gums.  We have an attachment of tissue from our tongue to the bottom of the mouth, and we have even other attachments in our mouth, even with our cheeks to our gum tissue, called buckle ties, that Shira and I have talked about.  And all of these attachments in their mouths can actually affect the movement of the tongue, the lip, the cheeks, and how they actually are able to breastfeed.  So when I see a patient, I’m doing an exam, typically just with my fingers, kind of playing and tickling around in their mouth and stretching the lip and moving the tongue around and kind of seeing what kind of movement they have and even evaluating — a tongue tie is actually fairly easy to identify with a baby when they open or if they start crying a little bit.  Their tongue actually almost forms into a bowl if they’re tongue-tied, and that’s a pretty tell-tale sign, whereas otherwise, when they’re crying, typically their tongue will raise, and that helps me see how much movement they have, as well.  So I don’t know if you want to talk about other…

Alyssa:  Yeah, Shira, what are your first signs?  What do you notice right away with a tongue tie?

Shira:  So even before I do an oral exam, just talking with the family and hearing the story of how breastfeeding is going or how it’s gone and hearing different red flag symptoms, which can really vary from family to family, but certain things like pain with breastfeeding.  We consider it normal to have some nipple pain with breastfeeding during the first week after the baby is born, but then it should subside, and there should be no pain associated with breastfeeding after week one.

Alyssa:  And the initial pain is just because your nipple is getting a lot more action than it probably ever has?

Shira:  Yeah, and there are some hormones on board, too, that can make nipples more sensitive.  But any kind of nipple damage; if baby is nursing and causing cracks or bleeding or scabs, that’s one sign that the latch isn’t right, and there are a number of reasons why.  It could be positioning.  But often, it’s really what’s going on with Baby’s mouth that affects whether the latch is a good latch.  And then in addition to how comfortable it is for the mom and for the baby, the latch also determines how effective the breastfeeding session is.  So a baby that has some of these oral restrictions going on may not be able to remove milk from the breast as effectively, as efficiently.  So the feedings may go on a very long time.  The baby may be struggling with weight gain.  Those are some common other signs, but then there are some babies that don’t have those signs and they still have a tongue tie, so it’s a little harder to detect.

Alyssa:  And then you would actually, like Katie does, look in their mouth and look for something specific?

Shira:  Yeah, and I do that, too.  In addition to interviewing the family and watching a breastfeeding session, in most of my lactation visits, I’ll get gloves on and really examine the baby’s mouth.  Similar to what Katie said, I’ll look under their tongue and feel around their lips and their cheeks.  I let the baby suck on my gloved finger, so I feel what the suck feels like, and there’s a certain movement that the tongue is supposed to do, a wave-like kind of undulation kind of movement when they’re sucking.  So if there’s any variation in that, I make note of it.  Sometimes babies hold on really tightly with their gums and it almost feels like they’re biting, and that’s a sign that they’re maybe needing to compensate with other facial muscles rather than letting the tongue do its job.  So there are just lots of different little clues that we look at, and if all the pieces come together, it can potentially point to a probable tongue tie, and as an IBCLC, an international board-certified lactation consultant, it’s not in my scope of practice to diagnose anything.  So when I notice all these symptoms, if things are looking like there is an oral restriction going on, that’s when I would refer to a pediatric dentist.

Alyssa:  And you, Katie, can diagnose and treat?

Dr. Katie:  Yeah, and what’s great about being a pediatric dentist is that I’m very familiar with the growth and development of infants and kids.  But not all pediatric dentists are actually trained in really how to evaluate and treat frenectomies.  You know, yes, I am a board-certified pediatric dentist, and that doesn’t necessarily entail that I can treat frenectomies, but how I’ve been able to acquire this knowledge is through taking a lot more courses in order to be able to understand frenectomies and how it affects the whole body and how it affects feeding and speech.  It affects children from, honestly, in utero when they’re still developing and how it affects the whole body’s growth, and obviously, the first sign typically is how well they latch and how Mom and Baby are doing during those first few weeks of life when they are able to start feeding.  But definitely, it’s really important that I and my business partner, Dr. Kloostra, have taken these courses so that we can work with lactation consultants and better understand how to evaluate for this and how to work with other specialists, as well, like Shira, in order to make sure we’re giving those patients the best treatment possible.   What’s interesting is that when you’re developing in utero, obviously all of the tissues are developing; the muscles are developing.  And when you have a little bit too strong of attachments in certain areas with what’s called fascia — it’s basically tissue attachment in our body.  We have it in our faces; it’s between our lungs, between our organs and muscles, and all that kind of tissue.  Sometimes, in your mouth, you might have a little bit extra tissue, and that’s when a tongue tie, lip tie, or other ties can develop in the mouth that can actually create a lot of tension in that tissue and thus tension in muscles that attach to that tissue.  When you have all of that tension, it does affect how their whole body is growing.  Even torticollis and other symptoms at birth have been linked to tongue and lip ties, as well.  The flat head at birth and things like that, too, can all be impacted.  So it’s great when moms and babies, if they’re having difficulty, when they seek help from an IBCLC like Shira because it’s an important sign that there’s something going on and the baby needs some help in order to be able to actually grow and develop normally and comfortably as well, too.

Alyssa:  So did we talk about this is a podcast before, or was it when we were just talking here, about what that looks like — the actual frenectomy?  So they see you, and you say, I think this is a tongue tie; I want you to go see the dentist.  Katie sees the baby; says, yes, this is in fact a tongue tie.  Then what?

Shira:  Right, that’s a good thing to talk about!  And we should define frenectomy, too.  I often call it frenotomy, so…

Dr. Katie:  Frenotomy is more old school, like using a scalpel, going under general anesthesia or getting sedated, and they are cutting the tissue and suturing it or putting stitches in.  Whereas frenectomy, it’s basically just a general term for tissue removal.  So that can really be all-encompassing because there’s multiple ways to do a frenectomy, and I can definitely talk more about all of those options because, really, every parent is going to have their own comfort level, too, and we have to be respectful of that, as well.  But generally, with a frenectomy, it does mean removal of tissue, and there is more of a surgical approach.  Typically, you would see an ear-nose-throat specialist, an ENT, and there are children’s ENT specialists, as well, that are typically trained at a children’s hospital.  And if someone wanted to go that route, definitely seeing a children’s ENT is the way to go because, just like myself, I am much more, you know, trained on the growth and development of kids and kids’ anatomy and how it grows and changes as their body grows and changes.  But when you see an ENT, typically, the child would have general anesthesia.  General anesthesia is a full-body anesthetic, meaning they are sleeping.  A machine is helping assist with breathing.  They’re breathing in gases.  It’s basically triggering an area in the brain to just relax the whole body, even the lungs, to the point where they need assistance with breathing.  It’s generally very safe, but there is a lot of research showing that having general anesthesia before the age of two to three can actually have an impact on their intellectual and behavioral development.  So because of that research, there has been more evolution of how we do that procedure for infants because they are so little, and obviously their brains are going to be impacted by having general anesthesia.  We don’t know how specifically, but definitely, there has been more recent studies out there were excellent studies done to show, yes, there is definitely an impact, which was very helpful in educating everyone.  And so that’s why things have evolved to the point where there’s other options.  There’s even multiple kinds of lasers.  There’s something called electrosurgery where you essentially burn the tissue away.  It’s another option; it’s not the best option, but it’s an option that I know has been used.  And then there’s multiple kinds of lasers, and that was part of my training as a pediatric dentist and going to these courses and understanding the types of lasers, which ones are going to be best for certain procedures.  Definitely, the bread and butter for soft tissue removal is something called a CO2 laser, and I guess I don’t probably need to go into the science of everything, but generally, that has been shown to be the most optimal for soft tissue because of, basically, its ability to have less pain, less bleeding, less inflammation to make sure that soft tissue heals that much faster and the recovery is easier, as well.  But there’s other lasers that are great options that I have also used, and my patients have done great with those, as well.

Alyssa:  But the CO2 laser is what you currently have?

Dr. Katie:  The CO2 laser is, yeah, what we have in our office.  And definitely after trying lots of lasers, that’s the one we really wanted to utilize for our patients.  But yeah, there’s multiple types of lasers that work awesome and are able to provide patients with a great outcome, as well.

Alyssa:  So walk us through that.  It’s a mom who has seen Shira for a lactation visit or two, and she says, I believe this is a tongue tie and a lip tie, and you need to go see Dr. Katie.  So she goes into your office, and you say, yep, sure is; here’s what we’re going to do.  I know we have talked about this, but what does Mom do?  What does Baby do?  What does the lactation consultant do?  What do you do?  What does this whole process look like going forward?

Dr. Katie:  For doing the actual frenectomy?

Alyssa:  Yeah.

Dr. Katie:  Well, at our office personally, we do an interview first, as well, because I want to check what symptoms are going on and talk to Mom and get to know the family and the baby, too, because even getting to know the baby, it’s going to help me understand post-operatively what kind of exercises will be best for them, things like that, in order to make sure that the function they gain from the procedure continues and working with a lactation consultant afterwards, obviously.  The procedure itself: one thing is that it definitely needs to be done by somebody who’s trained to do the procedure because it’s a very quick procedure, but it’s a very involved procedure.  It’s how much we’re thinking about and looking at and trying to control in two minutes.  But generally, once we interview the family and make sure we see the anatomy and this is what we think is a good option for the baby, we basically swaddle the baby so they’re comfy and have Mom or Dad or whoever is there give them a little kiss and we have them step out while we do the procedure.  We have a couple assistants in the room with myself or Dr. Kloostra, my business partner, and we use the laser to do the procedure.  It takes, again, about two minutes to do, to vaporize that tissue.  It’s very quick.

Alyssa:  And what about anesthesia?

Dr. Katie:  Yes, thank you.  So I do not use any local or topical anesthetic for any infants.  For what we’ve been advised by pediatricians, just with the immaturity of their liver health, it’s really not ideal, and topical anesthetic for that young of a kid is actually now not approved by the FDA because it does have such toxic effects.  So obviously using a small amount in a controlled environment is safe, but we really don’t want to put any of our really, really little patients at any risk at all.  But the procedures we’ve done, the babies do amazing.  So what I observe is they do cry during the procedure.  It’s generally a typical coping cry is what I like to call it.  They’re crying; they’re confused; they don’t really know what’s going on.  And then once we’re done, after about two minutes we take them out of their swaddle blanket and I rock them.  It’s kind of amazing how resilient babies are because they calm down immediately.  Every baby I’ve seen for this, they calm down immediately, and that’s when I have Mom come in.  If they’re comfortable with it, I like them to breastfeed just to help relax the baby, and that’s really why we don’t have parents present in the room because I want them to be able to swoop in, be their comfort zone, and help them relax.  I imagine it’s very stressful as a parent to actually watch that procedure.  I guess I could even compare it to having your son circumcised at the hospital a couple days after their birth.  It’s kind of a similar situation.  I don’t think I would personally want to watch it, but everyone has their preference of what they want to do.  How we do it at our office is just really based on what we’ve observed and learned to make sure that we’re optimizing that baby’s treatment to make sure we’re in a controlled, super-safe environment and that Mom or Dad or whoever it is isn’t stressed either and that they can come in and comfort that baby because if Mom is stressed at all, it does make it harder for Baby, as well.  The babies do sense that stress in the mom, so that doesn’t really help the baby if Mom is stressed or feeling anxiety.  From what I’ve found, babies do great in that scenario, which is awesome.

Alyssa:  So then they get some exercises to do and then, seeing Shira again, you can then help with breastfeeding?  And what do those exercises look like?  What do you recommend and what have you done, Shira, for exercises after?

Shira:  Yeah, so I think from provider to provider of people that do frenectomies, there tends to be a pretty big range of what’s recommended by the provider as far as there’s some wound care, I guess we could call it.  So where the wound is under the tongue, if the tongue is what’s been released, I think it can be really important to keep that wound open in a sense.  We don’t want it to heal back on to itself, and the mouth heals so quickly.  So many providers — Katie can talk about what she recommends, too — but many providers do recommend lifting the tongue to prevent that wound from just healing back on itself.  We want to create a lot of space under the tongue to help keep that area open as the tongue heals so that the tongue is then able to obtain full range of motion, which is the goal of the procedure.

Dr. Katie:  Right.  And the exercises are really pretty simple, and after the procedure, it’s kind of cool how you visually see right away where the tie had been because after we release the tissue, you basically see a diamond shape where that tissue was released.  So whether it’s under the lip or under the tongue, when you would raise the tongue or raise the lip, you would see a diamond shape, and the whole goal is that when you do the exercises, you really want to make sure you’re seeing that open diamond appearance.  But with the lip, it’s really just lifting the lip and raising it so that you see that open diamond, and with the tongue, a few finger sweeps underneath to just make sure it’s still open or just lifting the tongue gently with your fingertip is usually a nice way to go, as well.  But it doesn’t have to be a lengthy process.  The moment I just took to talk about it is as much time as the exercises should take.

Shira:  That’s what I always describe to parents, too, because babies tend to get a little bit upset when parents are doing the stretches or lifting the tongue.  I think it’s probably a little bit uncomfortable, but you do it a handful of times a day, but it can be done in ten seconds, and then you’re done.

Dr. Katie:  Exactly.

Shira:  And I recommend a lot of other exercises, and they’re really kind of personal, depending on what is going on with that baby, whether that particular baby has really tight jaws or a stiff neck or they have a hard time getting a deep latch or a really sensitive palate and a sensitive gag reflex.  So depending on what else is going on as symptoms correlated with that tongue tie or restriction, I may recommend different exercises.

Dr. Katie:  And that’s why it’s so crucial that even after the procedure, the mom and baby still follow up with an IBCLC like Shira because she’s going to be able to diagnose, too — or maybe not diagnose, but definitely observe if there’s something else going on, as well, because maybe there’s something else going on, as well.  The procedure I do is not the end-all, be-all.  It’s not the 100% answer to fix everything going on.  Baby is still going to need a little practice, whether it’s lip positioning or tongue positioning, whatever it might be, and whether they need to go see another specialist as well, like a chiropractor or something like that, to help with all that tension in the body.  That tension is probably still there, and sometimes someone else needs to be involved, too, and Shira would be really helpful in anticipating those needs, too.  I think that’s an important thing to understand because I would never want to see a patient and then have them go home and not really have that kind of care that they need and not have the best results they could have, especially with the wound care, as Shira said.  It can be challenging for parents to do it because it’s hard to make your baby cry, especially when it’s already been an anxious thing in your life, having to do the procedure itself.  And I’ve learned, too, about other ways of doing the wound care when they’re sleeping and things like that, and that’s something to talk about with the parent too and follow up with them.  I like to call them the next day and see how things are going and then offer them other ideas for wound care, as well, like just pulling the chin down when they’re sleeping or lifting the lip up gently while they’re sleeping, things like that.  What we wouldn’t want is for the baby to not get the proper care afterwards and develop some sort of oral aversion with having the wound care and not getting anything else treated that they might need treated because, like I said, myself doing the frenectomy might not solve everything going on, and they might still have something else going on that can give them some difficulties with feeding, as well.  So that’s why it’s very important to work together and communicate.

Shira:  Yeah, I think this whole topic of oral restriction is such an important place where collaborative care comes in and using a team approach.  You, a provider who can do the physical release, and then a lactation specialist to help support families with any issues related to lactation.  So when there’s been an oral restriction, there’s often issues with Mom’s milk supply, too, because if Baby has been ineffective at the breast, that can slowly cause a drop in milk supply.  Sometimes, we see moms, when babies have an oral restriction, moms’ bodies may somehow compensate for that by having an oversupply or a really active, fast letdown.  But that doesn’t last forever, so making sure that the oral function is addressed early on before there are issues with milk production.  So from a milk production standpoint, lactation is really important, as well, and like you mentioned, the third piece that I think is crucial in most of these cases is somebody, a body worker of some kind; a chiropractor or someone that does soft tissue work or both.  Depending on what is going on with that particular baby, the specialist that would be best for them would probably vary.   But yes, I think a team approach is really important because, like you mentioned, that fascia that is the connective tissue that had been holding the tongue is tense elsewhere in the body, so these babies with oral restrictions may also be the babies that have digestive issues.  They may be constipated or have gas, and that can be related to how their mouth has been functioning.  Or they may be babies that are really stiff and don’t want to bend their hips.  Babies that are stiff as a board and seem like they want to stand up when they’re three weeks old; those babies.  We want babies to not need to hold so much tension in their bodies.

Dr. Katie:  And like you said, the babies who are spitting up and things like that: one really big red flag is when I hear that a baby is taking reflux medicine.

Shira:  Yes, I’m glad you said that.

Dr. Katie:  Because, like you said, all that tension — obviously, that is all connecting to their esophagus, as well, and down to their stomach and things like that, and when they’re not having the optimal latch, they’re bringing lots of air into their stomachs, as well, and all of that can actually mask what is truly going on.  We may think it’s just reflux going on; they just have reflux.  But what’s missing is the other parts to it: why do they have reflux?

Shira:  Yeah, why do they have reflux?

Dr. Katie:  That’s always the question that needs to be asked when a baby that young is having any sort of health problems is why is that happening.  There’s probably something anatomical; maybe something functional, that is actually causing that issue.  Not to say that, yes, some babies may have a true reflux going on, and that absolutely needs to be treated, but what we generally want to avoid is having a baby go on medications or immediately have to go to a bottle or things like that when they don’t need to.  So having those evaluations done so that we can avoid those things and help them grow optimally and all that good stuff, too.  And then mom is less stressed, as well!

Alyssa:  Well, let’s end on a happy note and talk about the amazing stories that we’ve seen of maybe a really struggling mom and a struggling baby, and then they have this procedure, and this whole breastfeeding relationship changes.  Can you put a number on that?  How often does that happen?

Shira:  In my experience, and even just from hearing from other practitioners, as well, I would say definitely a majority of people who have the procedure do notice improvement afterwards, especially if they’re doing this sort of team approach and getting some body work and doing the exercises afterwards.  I do want to emphasize that it’s not an instant fix.  So, like Katie mentioned, she is a really important piece, the dentist to do the procedure, but I always try to encourage parents not to expect an instant improvement.  As an average, I would say it takes anywhere between two and five weeks to see real improvement.  You may notice a little bit, but it’s not going to be all of a sudden.  It’s gradual.

Alyssa:  I think that’s important to note because I could see how a mom would say, I’m going to fix this right now.  You’re going to do the procedure; you’re going to help me do the exercises, and it will be all better.

Shira:  And that does happen.  I mean, it happens occasionally where you have a mom that has incredible pain nursing, and a baby has a procedure and a mom can tell a huge difference that first nursing session after the procedure.  So that does happen, but I would say more often than not, it’s a process, and it can take weeks for that to change.

Alyssa:  It’s almost like retraining the baby.  What if it’s a one-week old baby?  Like, the baby hasn’t even been nursing for that long?  They don’t need to be retrained if it’s only been a week.

Shira:  Well, they practice sucking in utero, though.

Dr. Katie:  They’ve been practicing for a while.

Alyssa:  So when you’re saying this affects things in utero…

Dr. Katie:  They’re moving around.  When they’re kicking you, they’re probably sucking as well and practicing all that movement.

Alyssa:  Well, yeah, you do see them sucking their thumb on ultrasound photos.

Shira:  Some babies that have tongue restrictions also will have a high palate, so the roof of their mouth may be higher than usual, and that’s because the tongue’s normal, healthy resting position is on the roof of the mouth, and that starts in utero.  So way back, when baby is first developing, the tongue should be hanging out up on the roof of the mouth to shape the mouth.  And that was something else we’ve been talking about, too, is how the tongue having its full range of motion is so important not just for feeding but for oral development, facial development, jaw development.

Dr. Katie:  Yeah.  And one thing I wanted to touch on, too, is that babies are amazing.  They’re very resilient, and even before I had taken these courses, my niece was somewhat tongue and lip tied.  And I’m so sad even now because my sister had been struggling so much with breastfeeding and with having all this spit up and reflux.  She would hiccup after almost every feeding, like a lot of hiccupping.  Things like that where she didn’t really need to have that, and she had worked with a lactation consultant and all that, as well, but it never really truly got resolved.  But my sister worked through it and breastfed for a year.  With probably accommodations they both made in order to make it work, though; it was extra work.  It didn’t need to be that way.  But now, things are otherwise happening with my niece.  She’s a thumb-sucker.  She has a little bit of a lisp.  So that’s a really good example where it may have not totally affecting feeding for mom and baby, but it can have other impacts later because now, she still needs some oral stimulation, so the thumb got involved because her tongue doesn’t have full range of motion.  When we’re at rest — and you’ll start to think about this now — when you’re at rest, you’ll notice your tongue goes to your palate.

Alyssa:  Hopefully!

Dr. Katie:  Hopefully!  That’s typically what happens, but because she’s tongue-tied, she needs her thumb now to have that stimulation, and that’s sometimes a sign, as well.  Not always, but that can be something, as well.  And then the little lisp going on, so now there’s a speech situation going on.  It’s just a situation where, man, I wish I had gotten involved when she was three weeks old, but now she’s almost five.  But it’s kind of amazing how babies can grow and change and evolve to get their nutrients and what they need, and the same with Mom.  But, again, their growth and development happens over the years to come, so all of that development going on can still be impacted later.  There’s been lots of good stories, though!  I had one baby who was about six weeks old when I met her.  Her mom had been working with a lactation consultant briefly and was told that she was probably tied, but they couldn’t really tell and that they should see a dentist about it.  So she had seen a friend of mine who referred her to me because he knew I could diagnosed those kinds of things.  We did do the frenectomy procedure for her lip and tongue, and the first 48 hours were a little tougher because she was healing and all of that, but generally, she did much better as the week went on.  I saw her at two weeks and three weeks post-op.  When I had initially seen her, she had baby acne pretty severely, like, red, rashy, peeling skin, lots of bumps, things like that.  And then when I saw her two weeks later, she had gained weight.  She no longer had baby acne at all, and Mom was obviously much less stressed and much happier.  And she said it was still a little tough; when I saw her at that two-week mark, there was still some healing going on.  I said, let’s see her in another week, and I want to see how you guys are doing after she’s 100% healed.  I saw her after three weeks, and she was doing so much better.  So just like Shira said, it takes some time.  It does.  I don’t know specifically what was going on because lots of kids have baby acne and things like that, but when I saw her after two weeks and she had cleared up, I was like, well, maybe it’s because mom is less stressed, and there’s less cortisol in her body, which is our stress hormone.  Who knows; it could be multiple things, but that could have been part of it.

Shira:  Or more milk volume, too.

Dr. Katie:  That, as well.  So lots of things going where baby was just doing great afterwards, and Mom was so helpful for me, as well.  It was probably one of the first times I had actually really done the procedure for that young of a baby, and Mom was really helpful in all the things she was observing as it went.  They were doing great.  So that was a good success story.  Oh, and she had been on a reflux medicine, and she didn’t have to take it anymore.

Shira:  That’s probably one of the biggest things I see.  I see lots of babies that are on reflux meds, and babies who have their tongue tie treated are the babies that tend to no longer need that.  That’s usually a symptom of the tongue tie, and it goes away.  Gassiness, things like that.  Babies are sleeping longer.  A lot of times, babies with a tongue restriction don’t have long sleep cycles.  They are woken up; probably because of their tongue not resting on the roof of their mouth, which is kind of a soothing thing.

Alyssa:  Well, and part of it, too, is that if they’re not effectively draining the breast, they’re hungry.  They’re waking up hungry.

Dr. Katie:  They’re hungry more often; they fall asleep at the breast because it’s really exhausting for them to eat.

Alyssa:  Yeah, I mean, if a breastfeeding session takes an hour at each breast…

Dr. Katie:  It’s like running a marathon for them to even breastfeed.  So they’re exhausted.

Shira:  So it’s not necessarily just what breastfeeding feels like to the mom or that baby is all of a sudden gaining weight, but there are all these other little pieces of health that can be related that maybe no one would have thought would be related.  You know, you take a baby to the doctor for gassiness or digestive things or not sleeping enough, and a tongue tie is rarely the first place they look.  Oral function is not often where they’re going to look.  But they’re definitely related.

Alyssa:  So moral of the story is, you need to find a team to help support you, and be patient once this happens and don’t expect instant results.

Shira:  Yes.  And I want to emphasize that you do need to find people who are well-trained and familiar with this process, with this procedure, and with assessing oral function in the first place because I will say that many pediatricians, many dentists, or many lactation consultants, in fact, are not trained at really assessing what the tongue is doing or what it should be doing.  So this situation gets overlooked or even ruled out, even, when it’s a concern that parents have.  It’s often ruled out when it really should be addressed.

Alyssa:  Well, I know that for the two of you, it’s kind of your specialty.  Shira, I know it is for you.

Shira:  So if a parent think that they’re dealing with these symptoms, just keep looking.  Keep looking for somebody who will listen to you and really give you the help that you need.

Alyssa:  They should just call you!

Dr. Katie:  Absolutely I’m not going to diagnose something if it’s not there, but it is really important to go to someone who does, like you, understand oral function and what should be going on.  Obviously, as an IBCLC, you have more training in what’s going on, and myself, as a pediatric dentist, I have sought out that training, but yes, not even every pediatrician understands how to evaluate.  That’s why I’m a kid specialist of the mouth; that’s a simple way of putting it.  I’m always in the mouth; I’m looking at the mouth, and that is my specialty.

Shira:  It’s an important part of the body!

Dr. Katie:  It is!

Alyssa:  Well, tell people where to find you.

Dr. Katie:  I’m actually in a practice called Pediatric Dental Specialists of West Michigan.  We are located at East Paris and Burton in the new Bankston Center, and you can find us online on our website or give us a call at 616-608-8898.  We’d love to connect with you and connect you with Shira, as well.

Alyssa:  You can find Shira on our website.  People call for you all the time!  People love you.  We love you, too!  We’re so happy to have you!

Shira:  I’m so happy to be with you!

Alyssa:  Thanks for tuning in, everybody!  If you have any questions for either one of these ladies, email us at info@goldcoastdoulas.com.  We are also on Instagram and Facebook, and you can listen to our podcast on iTunes and SoundCloud.

After this podcast aired, Shira wanted us to clarify some things that were mentioned:

“A tongue release procedure, frenectomy, can be done well by any type of provider (dentist, ENT, physician, midwife, etc), as long as they have good experience and training. Likewise, good releases can be done with a laser, scissors, or scalpel — it is the skill of the provider that matters most, not the tool used.
An experienced release provider does not use general anesthesia for babies – they either use topical anesthetic, or nothing at all. Avoid providers who say they use general for babies, as that is neither safe nor necessary.
A good way to find a provider is to ask an experienced IBCLC who they recommend, or ask a potential provider how often they do frenectomies, how many they’ve done, what their training is, etc. Having it done by a less experienced provider often results in an incomplete release, which may have to be redone to provide full benefits”.
Shira also wanted to note that she did not train with Dr. Ghaheri, but did get to shadow and learn from him during her education.”

 

What’s the tongue have to do with breastfeeding? Podcast Episode #75 Read More »

Biz Babysitters

Postpartum Support for Business Owners: Podcast Episode #74

On this week’s episode of Ask the Doulas, we chat with Chris Emmer, owner of Biz Babysitters, about postpartum life and owning your own business.  You can listen to this complete podcast episode on iTunes or SoundCloud.

Alyssa:  This is Alyssa.  I am recording with Chris Emmer again.  Welcome to the Ask the Doulas Podcast.  How are you, Chris?

Chris:  Good, how are you?

Alyssa:  So we talked to you about sleep before, and today we’re going to talk a little bit about being a mom in business and how that affected us.  We were talking about this book you just read and the rage, the fire, that it lights under you about just how – I don’t know, would you say a mother in general, or would you say a whole family, is treated during pregnancy and how we’re just kind of disregarded during this postpartum time?  And how we wish more was part of the whole process.  You get pregnant, and you just get X, Y, and Z, instead of having to seek it out yourself and pay for it all yourself.

Chris:  Right, that’s the biggest thing is that there is this huge lack of support postpartum.  I guess I can only speak from my experience, but I felt like when you’re pregnant, you see the doctor every two weeks, and people open doors for you, and they smile at you, and you just hold your belly and you’re so cute.  And then you have the baby, and it’s like wait, what?  It’s just a complete shock, and it’s like, now is the time I need people to be nice to me!  This is the hard part!

Alyssa:  Yeah, you’re completely forgotten, and it’s all about the baby.  Nobody’s holding a door open.  I mean, how many moms do I see trying to struggle with a toddler in one arm and trying to push a stroller through a door, and I’m watching people walk by?  I’m running up to her, like, let me get the door for you!  Why are people just completely ignoring you?

Chris:  Blowing past you like you’re not there, yes.  Absolutely.  So, I mean, I don’t know what your birth experience was, but there was a six-week checkup or an eight-week checkup, maybe, and at that appointment, my OB said, and I quote, “You are a normal person now.  Go back to life as it was.”

Alyssa:  Huh.

Chris:  And I was like, but…

Alyssa:  I’m not!  And define “normal,” please!

Chris:  How do you know I was even normal before?  But yeah, and then that was it, and then she scheduled me an appointment for one year out or whatever, just a normal physical exam like you would have just as a person before kids.  And that just felt so shocking and kind of, to be honest, just cruel and unjust.  Like, you’re in this huge transition, the most incredible and important transition of your life, and the bottom drops out, and you’re completely alone there.  And we know that mental health is a huge issue postpartum, and there was really no education on that besides circling which happy face you feel like today.

Alyssa:  Yeah, we’ve been talking to pediatrician offices a lot because they oftentimes are the ones who see this mom and baby before the six-week checkup, so they’re the ones who are seeing this mom struggling with breastfeeding.  She’s crying all the time.  We can tell she’s not sleeping.  Let’s talk about her mental health.  Even though you’re here for me to see this baby, I’ll weigh the baby and do all the things I need to do with the baby, but let’s also ask Mom.  So thinking about tests, you know, different tests and not just picking the smiley face; let’s really ask you some real questions.  Because, yeah, six weeks is too long.  It’s way too long to wait to see a mom, and then to tell her that she’s normal and to go home and go on with life.  I mean, maybe somebody feels kind of back of normal again at six weeks, but sex is not the same at six weeks.  You might not even be completely healed, especially from a Cesarean.  Maybe breastfeeding is still not going well.  How do I deal with these leaky boobs?  What’s going on?  Nothing is normal!

Chris:  There is zero, zero normal, and I think in that circumstance, being told, “You’re normal now,” when on the inside you’re like, “This is anything but!  I feel like an alien in my own body and in my own brain and in my life!  Who am I?”  You look in the mirror and honestly have no idea who you’re looking at, and to be told you’re normal, then it adds, I think, a layer of shame, because you’re like, oh, I’m supposed to be back…

Alyssa:  They think I’m all right, so what am I doing wrong?

Chris:  Yes, and then I think of the way that I handled that appointment.  I probably just smiled and giggled and said, oh, thanks!  Yay, I can chaturanga again!  See you at yoga; bye!  You know, and then just acted happy and normal, and then got in my car and cried or whatever happened next.  But yeah, getting back to what we were originally on – now, I’m almost a year out, and I’m coming to a point where I can look back, and I’m processing all the different stages and reflecting on what everything meant, and I’m getting really obsessed with this transition and I’m soaking up all this literature on how we do it in other countries.  My question for you is this: how do you come to terms with that?  It feels so – I don’t know.

Alyssa:  Just unjust?

Chris:  Yes.

Alyssa:  I think knowing that what we’re doing at Gold Coast is just a small, small piece of this pie, right?  We’re one tiny piece of this bigger puzzle.  I could look at the whole big picture and get really, really angry, but what can I do right here, right now, for my community?  But then, even then, I’m like, okay, so, even in my community, there is just a small portion of people who can afford this because it’s not covered by insurance.  So what about the rest of the community that I can’t help?  So we just do the best we can.  And every family that we support, we support them the best we can, and we know that we’re making a difference for those families.  And then they’re going to, in turn, hopefully, kind of pay it forward, right?  Like, either tell someone there’s this support available, or they’ll say, “I struggled too.  I want to help you.”  You know, my sister, my neighbor, my friend: be that support!  Because maybe your neighbor can’t afford to hire a postpartum doula, but you have a group of friends who could stop over.  You know, I’m going to stop over for two hours today.  She’s going to stop over for two hours tomorrow.

Chris:  That’s a really cool way to think about it, the ripple-out effect.  Because you do need a lactation consultant; you need a sleep trainer.  All these things; where the lack is in other areas, you end up having to find that somewhere else.  So what about people who can’t afford these things?  But I love what you said, that you could teach this one family this thing, and then you know that that mom is on a group text with, like, 15 other people.  Like, I’m in probably five different group texts with different groups, like my cousins that are also moms, my friends from growing up that are also moms, and we’ll text each other pictures of things like a rash.  The trickle-down image is cool to think about, that if you equip one family with the tools to do something, that they can then kind of pay it forward.

Alyssa:  Yeah, and I think, too, about sleep.  So I try to make my plans very affordable, but there’s always going to be people who can’t even afford the most affordable package, so I’m like, what can I do?  Maybe a class.  So I’m actually working on a class right now where I can give new parents some of this basic knowledge about healthy sleep habits.  But again, like we talked with your sleep podcast, there’s not just one solution that works.  So I don’t want people to think that by taking this class, they’re going to walk away and say, “I can now get my kid to sleep through the night.”  I will give you the tools that I can that are generalized to children in certain age groups, but then from there, they kind of just have to take it on their own, if they can’t afford to have me walk with them and hold their hand through the whole process.  But I guess it’s one step of, like, what else can I do to reach those people who maybe can’t afford everything?  I think we’re just slowly working on it.  We’re finding ways to infiltrate the community in so many different ways, whether it’s volunteering.  We used to teach free classes at Babies R Us until they closed.  That was another way that we could just get information into the community and let people know, you have options.  You have a ton of resources in this community, and here they are.

Chris:  That’s so cool.

Alyssa:  Otherwise, yeah, you can get really, really mad about it.

Chris:  Yeah, you can get really mad!

Alyssa:  And I think that is the fires that burns.  That’s what makes us passionate about what we do, because it is not fair that moms feel so isolated and alone once they have a baby.  It’s not fair.

Chris: And then take that passion and turn it into something that can help people.

Alyssa:  Yeah.  So this kind of is a good lead-in to your new business because you, reflecting now back over the past year and owning your own business, and thinking, “Oh, I got this; I can do it all during my maternity leave” – even though you work for yourself and you don’t really give yourself a leave.  Life still goes on; you still have emails to deal with and all your social media stuff, and looking back and saying, how can I help other moms when they’re going through this transition?  So explain what you went through and what made you start this new business.

Chris:  Yeah.  So a little bit of background info: I have a social media business, so I do social media for a handful of clients, and when I was prepping for my ‘maternity leave’ last spring, I thought I was getting ahead of the game.  I was, like, “Chris, you’re amazing!  Look at you pulling it together!”  I hired some people to my team.  I started training them.  I started onboarding them.  I thought I had all my systems put together, and I thought everything was awesome.  In my head, I was going to take at least one full month off, not even checking email, just completely logged off.  In my head, I was, like, wearing a maxi dress in a field, holding a baby, effortlessly breastfeeding, with sunshine.  It was going to be awesome.  And then I thought that I would just slowly ease my way back in and maybe come back in September.  In reality, what happened was I had a C-section.  My water broke one week early and I ended up having a C-section, and in the hospital still, just hours after my surgery, I was doing clients’ posts on social media and doing their engagement because I hadn’t tested my team.  I actually had a few people who I had hired who ended up just not working out.  And so it all fell back on me because, as a business owner, it does.  And so that was just in the hospital, and then getting home and starting to learn how to do, like, sleep training and breastfeeding and even just dealing with my own healing – that was more than a full-time job already, so I was trying to balance that with continuing to work.  So there was zero maternity leave there, and that made my transition, which was already really pretty tough, a lot harder than it needed to be, and I can see that looking back.  I’m like, whoa, girl.  That was nuts.  But at the time, it felt like the only thing that I could do.  And so, like we said, looking back and seeing that, I’m like – it fires me up, and I don’t want anybody to have to do that.  And I will do anything again to prevent that for other people.  So when I see women who are pregnant and own their own business, I just want to shake them and tell them, “You don’t know what’s coming!  You need to prepare!”  Because I wish that somebody would have done that to me.  But all I can do is offer to them what I wish I would have had.  So I started a business now called Biz Babysitters, and what we do is we take over clients’ social media completely.  So we can handle posting; we can handle stories; we can handle DMs, engagement, comments – literally everything.  We can handle your inbox, as well, so that you can log off totally in your maternity leave.  Because there is such a temptation to just bust out your phone, and there are so many things that you think, while you’re breastfeeding or raising a newborn, that you can quickly, easily do.  You just can’t!

Alyssa:  On that note – so I too was a breastfeeding mom, scrolling through my iPhone.  I recently learned that there’s an increased risk of SIDS by trying to multitask while breastfeeding because you can get your kid in an unsafe position.  Like, especially a teeny-tiny baby who needs to be held in the right position.  They can suffocate on the breast.  So that’s another reason for mom to just put your phone down.

Chris:  Put your phone down!

Alyssa:  Yeah, stop multitasking.

Chris:  Two other things with that.  One is the blue light that comes off your phone.  If you’re shining that in your baby’s face in the middle of the night and then wondering why they don’t sleep or why you don’t go back to sleep?  I would get up and breastfeed my baby and be scrolling through Instagram, and then I would lay down in bed exhausted but completely unable to fall back asleep, and I think it was because I was staring into a glowing blue light.  And the other thing is just the mental health aspect of social media.  There’s so many more studies coming out on this now, but Instagram is not good for our mental health.  You’ve got to really clean up your feed and be intentional about it if you want Instagram or whatever app to not send you down a shame or comparison spiral.  And I remember feeling, while spending hours and hours on Instagram and breastfeeding, that this whole world was out there happening around me, and I was watching all the fun things everyone was doing, and I remember just feeling like I was stuck in this one place.  So I could feel the negative effects of being on social media in my immediate postpartum, very strongly.  So I think that just acknowledging, like, maybe this might not be a great thing for you in a time when you are so tender and vulnerable.

Alyssa:  So we had talked about this, and you had said, “I wish somebody would have told me all these things I needed postpartum,” and then you were looking back through old emails and you found one from me, saying, “Hey, you should take my newborn class.”  And you were, like, “Yeah, yeah, yeah, I’m too tired.”  And now you’re like, well, shoot, I wish I would have done that!  So how do you tell moms who are pregnant and saying, just like you did, “I got this.  I’m lining everything up; all the Ts are crossed; the Is are dotted; when I go on maternity leave, everything is done.  I’m good.”  And you’re saying, no, you actually need to prepare.  How do we really reach people?  You don’t know what you don’t know, so unfortunately, this mom isn’t going to know she needs you or me until she’s already in the thick of it and losing her mind and crying and saying she can’t handle this anymore.  So maybe it’s just education?  They need to hear it over and over and over again that this harder than you expect, and you have to prepare ahead of time.

Chris:  Right.  I don’t know!  This is the hardest part, because you’re exactly right, you don’t know until you know, and I looked back this morning on that email that I had sent you, where I was like, eh, I think we’re good.  We were so not good!  Oh, my God!  That’s the hardest thing, I guess.  All you can do is share your story, and maybe it will connect with some people.  But I think that a lot of it is, in that state of shock afterwards, to be there to help out, too, as sort of like a 911.

Alyssa:  And we have that.  You know, a lot of people call us.  “We need postpartum help,” or, “I need sleep help.” And it is like, how soon can you start?  But with your business, if I was a new mom and I was in the middle of this social media campaign, but you don’t know anything – like, how would a mom do that 911 with you?

Chris:  Right.

Alyssa:  Would that even work?

Chris:  It would, because we’ve got systems set up, like our intake forms and everything.  I mean, it wouldn’t be as effortless.  You know, you would have to go through a lot of onboarding because we need to figure out your voice, your tone.  A lot of it we can do just from stalking your account and everything that you already have out there on the internet, but yeah, there is a little bit of work that needs to go into handing off the reins to somebody.  But I really like to tell people – this is the cheesiest – it’s a skill to chill.  But it’s for real, especially for people who own a business.  We are a weird breed of people where you don’t know how to relax because you’re so passionate about your business that a second that you have to breathe, you are probably dropping into your business.  I don’t know.  I was that way.

Alyssa:  No, it’s true.  I’m always on, and I think occasionally, let’s say an appointment cancels or I end up having an hour of free time.  I find myself wandering, and I don’t even know what to do.  What do I do right now?  I just finished all my work because I was supposed to be doing this other thing right now, but I can’t get out of that mode to just sit and read or go for a walk.  I’m trying to get a lot better at that.  It’s beautiful out; I should go for a walk.  But it is hard to get out of that mode and into chill mode.

Chris:  Yes, so it takes practice because it’s shocking.  And so I love to recommend to people to get started working together around 30 weeks.  Go through all the intake forms; get everything put together, so that you can start your log-off at, like, 36 or 37 weeks.  And in those last couple weeks, you can start to practice relaxing and see what it feels like to not check your email, and see what it feels like to not being in your Instagram DMs every 15 minutes.  Fill in your vice of choice, but you can start to slowly – just like how you want to phase slowly back into working, you can slowly phase out of it.  And you don’t know what’s going to happen towards the end of your pregnancy.  You could go into early labor.  You could want to nest so bad that you just wander around Home Goods for eight hours.  So I love to tell people to start early; start around 30 weeks, then slowly phase it out.  We can work out any kinks, and then you can practice for maybe a week, maybe two weeks, seeing what it’s like to be completely stepped back and completely relaxed.  And I think that’s a great way to mentally and physically prepare for your immediate postpartum as well so that you aren’t tempted to jump back in.  That little reaction you get with your thumb when you turn your screen on where it just goes to Instagram and you don’t think about it – you can start deprogramming that now.

Alyssa:  That’s really smart.  So for any moms who are listening to this and going, “Oh, my God.  I need that.  I’m a business owner and I’m pregnant.”  Whether it’s your first or fourth, you can use this.  How do they find you?

Chris:  You can find me on Instagram, of course.

Alyssa:  Of course.  You have a beautiful Instagram feed.  I love it.

Chris:  I’m such a nerd for Instagram.  I love it so much.  So on Instagram, I’m @bizbabysitters.  And you can find every other piece of information from that point.  Instagram is the hub.  And then bizbabysitters.com is the website.  I also have a free maternity leave planning workbook for anybody who is coming up on your maternity leave and you’re not sure you want to work with somebody.  This is totally free and a good way to just get started wrapping your head around a game plan.

Alyssa:  And they can download that on your website, too?

Chris:  Mm-hmm, bizbabysitters.com/freebie.

Alyssa:  Lovely!  Well, thanks for joining me today!  Is there anything else that you want to say about either your business or this crazy mess of being a mompreneur?

Chris:  I think it’s such an interesting, cool breed of women.  And there’s so many more of us now!  A big shift is happening, I think, and it’s really cool to be part of it.

Alyssa:  I have a daughter, and so do you, so I think it’s really cool that as Sam gets older, she’s going to see you as your own boss.  I think that’s really cool.  My daughter knows that I own my own business and I am my boss, and I work when I want to work – and I’m going to get better at working less – but I just think it’s really cool and empowering.  That, in and of itself, is really empowering.

Chris:  It is!  Julie, the postpartum doula at Gold Coast, left me a stickie note.  She always leaves little stickie notes, and I save all of them.  She left a stickie note that said, “You are setting a good example for your daughter.”  And I was, like, tears!

Alyssa:  Tears!  Oh, Julie.

Chris:  She’s the best!

Alyssa:  Yes, we love her too!

Chris:  So I guess also just a reminder that you’re not alone, even if you feel that way.  We’re all feeling it.

Alyssa:  So help a sister out.  Stop this mom shaming stuff.  You are no better than another mom, and don’t even try to make yourself look better than another mom.  We’re all struggling in our own way, no matter what stage; six weeks or six years.  We all have different struggles.

Chris:  Yeah, and different areas of thriving, as well.  We’re all in it together.

Alyssa:  Thanks, girl!

Chris:  Thank you!

 

Postpartum Support for Business Owners: Podcast Episode #74 Read More »

Sleep Consultant

Chris’ Personal Sleep Story: Podcast Episode #73

Chris Emmer, a former client, talks about her sleep journey with daughter, Sam, and working with Alyssa.  She started when Sam was six months old and cannot believe she waited so long to seek help.  In a sleep-deprived fog, she finally called in “the big guns” for help!  You can listen to this complete podcast episode on iTunes or SoundCloud.

Alyssa:  Welcome to Ask the Doulas Podcast.  I am Alyssa, and I am so excited to be talking with Chris Emmer today.  Hello, Chris!

Chris:  Hi!

Alyssa:  You were a client of ours.  You did birth, postpartum, and then sleep with me.  So we’re going to focus in on sleep today.

Chris:  Let’s talk about sleep, the most important thing!

Alyssa:  So when did you realize that you needed help with sleep?  How old was Sam, and how did the beginning weeks or months go with sleep?  Were you like, “Oh, yeah, this is great, no problem”?

Chris:  Okay, definitely wasn’t, “Oh, yeah, this is great.”  It’s hard to say because honestly, those first couple of months – I call them the blackout period.  I kind of don’t remember what happened.  I know I wasn’t sleeping.  I know I cried a bunch, and I was breastfeeding, like, 24/7.  But I don’t know; it’s all such a blur in those first couple months, and I remember doing a lot of research on everything.  So before I had her, I did a lot of research on car seats and cribs and diapers and all the things you buy, but I did zero research on sleep and breastfeeding – the two most important things!  So after she was born, I felt like I was doing a crash course in how to have a kid.  And after doing a lot of internet searches and downloading ebooks and taking webinars, all these things, I was feeling so overwhelmed with information.  My baby’s not sleeping.  I feel like I’m going to lose my mind.  Like, I just need to talk to a person!  And that was when I reached out to you.

Alyssa:  And how old was she?  Six months?

Chris:  I think she might have been six months, yeah.

Alyssa:  That’s what comes to my mind.

Chris:  I think so.

Alyssa:  So do you feel like you had six months of just pure sleep deprivation?  You were just gone?

Chris:  Absolutely.  Yeah.  There was no day and no night.  And I remember very vividly sitting in my chair in the corner of the nursery breastfeeding, and when I got out of the bed and went to the chair, watching my husband just sprawl out and take up the entire bed, and just shooting daggers out of my eyes at him.  And sometimes coughing loudly.  “How was your night?” I would say to him in the morning.  But yeah, we just had no strategy was the thing, and there was a ton of crying on her part, as well.  She wasn’t just having a fly by the seat of her pants good time.  She was not a happy camper, either, so we were like, okay, let’s step this up a level.  We’ve got to do something here.

Alyssa:  Right.  I think the crying part is a big part of sleep deprivation for the child that the parents don’t think about, because they’ll call me and say, “I don’t want to do cry it out.”  I’m like, “Good, I don’t do cry it out.  But you have to understand that crying is just a healthy part of how a baby communicates, and in these sleep-deprived kids, your baby has done a heck of a lot more crying than they’re going to do while we get them on a schedule, and then there will be no crying.”  So if you think about, cumulatively, how many hours of crying she did over those past six months because she was sleep deprived, and maybe you have to deal with a little bit of it during sleep training.  I want to kind of hear about the journey from six months until now because we had some ups and downs with sleep.  We’d get her on track, and then a new developmental milestone would happen and you would be like, “Help!  What’s going on?”

Chris: That’s me, frantically texting Alyssa!  So around six months – I honestly think before that, she wasn’t taking a single nap during the day, and when I talked to you, you were like, okay, psycho, you should be doing actually three naps a day.  Here’s what time they are; here’s how they go.  And then in the beginning, you gave us the shush-pat technique, which was what we did for a while there.  And it ended up working super well.  I think before we decided to call in the big shots, which is you, we were like, oh, sleep training; what a scary word.  We better stock up on wine for the weekend we do that!  You know, we thought it was going to be this traumatic thing, and we would both be scarred, and our child would be emotionally scarred.  But she cried less the first weekend we did sleep training than she did any normal weekend when we weren’t doing it.  Like, significantly less.  I think she only cried for 15 minutes the first time, and then she fell asleep.  Like, what??

Alyssa:  I remember you saying, “How is this possible?  What did you do to my child?  Whose baby is this?”

Chris:  Yeah, what’s happening?  Did you possess my child?  So yeah, we were just shocked that it worked almost right away, and it was not traumatizing whatsoever.  What we were doing before was much more traumatizing, and we were doing that every single day!  So once we had a few successes, it became much easier to stick to a more planned-out schedule, so that was around six months.

Alyssa:  I remember the best was the photo you sent of me – I think she was now taking regular naps.  It was the third or fourth day in a row, and you were like, oh, my God, she’s an hour through this two-hour nap.  We’re going to hit the hot tub.  And you sent me a picture of two champagne glasses on the edge of the hot tub, and you were like, yes!  We did it!

Chris:  That’s one of my favorite parenting memories!  It was the greatest success because really, I feel like sleep is probably the most important thing.

Alyssa:  I think it is!

Chris:  Yeah, especially in terms of sanity for mom and dad.  My emotional state was not stable when I was super sleep deprived.  I was just forgetting everything, crying at the drop of a hat.  It really affects you.

Alyssa:  On so many levels.   Your relationship; your child’s not happy, so you can’t even bond with your child effectively because you’re both sleep deprived and unhappy, and then you’re like, why are you crying?  I don’t know what to do, and you just want to sleep, and we end up getting in these really bad cycles of, well, I just want to sleep, so let’s just do this, whatever “this” ends up being, whether it’s cosleeping or breastfeeding or holding or rocking or driving in the car.  You just kind of get into survival mode.

Chris:  Yeah.  And I would just nurse her to sleep.  I think I spent – oh, my God.  I feel like I spent the entire summer sitting in my nursing chair trying to breastfeed her to sleep and then slow motion trying to drop her into the crib, and then she would just wake up one second later, and I’d be like, ugh, that was an hour and a half of work, and now she’s wide awake!  So yeah, that was the beginning.

Alyssa:  And then I didn’t hear from you for a little while, and then probably maybe eight or nine months, you think, she had another development milestone where she was sitting up or something?

Chris:  Yeah, she started sitting up and then she started crawling.  I remember when she first started crawling, that was a huge change because she would just do laps around her crib.  She was running a marathon in there, and I would just watch her on the monitor and be like, oh, my God, I can’t shush-pat her anymore.  She hates that!

Alyssa:  Yeah, it’s way too stimulating.

Chris:  Yes, which I wouldn’t have known if I didn’t text you again!  I was still in there trying to shush-pat her for hours.

Alyssa:  She’s, like, get away from me, lady!

Chris:  She’s like, all right, chill, Mom; stop!  So at that point – what did we do at that point?  We stopped shush-pat.  Oh, we started the timed-out interventions.

Alyssa:  Yeah, just going in after a certain amount of time, increasing intervals.  Yeah, and I think that worked the first day.

Chris: The first day, yeah.  I think the longest that I went was 15 minutes, and again, it’s like – I previously had thought 15 minutes of my baby crying – sounds like hell!  But once it was happening, I was like, oh, wait, I do this all the time.  Like, I’ve done this a million times.  I’ll actually just put away the dishes and make a snack and then, oh, look at the monitor – she’s asleep!  It was super easy, and she got the hang of it almost immediately.  So once I stopped trying to shush-pat her and wake her up from her ability to put herself to sleep, it was not a big deal anymore.  But yeah, same thing; that milestone came up and totally changed the sleep game.

Alyssa:  So where is she at now?

Chris:  Oh, my God, she sleeps through the night!

Alyssa:  Yay!

Chris:  I’m so happy!

Alyssa:  And how many months is she?

Chris:  She’s going to be 11 months next week, yeah, and she’s been sleeping through the night every night for, I don’t know, a couple weeks at least.

Alyssa:  Awesome.

Chris:  Yeah, it’s amazing.  And she goes down super easy for her morning nap.  It’s not even an issue anymore.  I remember I used to, in the beginning of the week, I would count how many times I would have to put her down for naps that week, so there were, like, 3 per day, 5 days in the week – the week where I’m home alone – so that would be 15 nap put-downs, and I would be, like, okay I’m at 6 out of 15.  I can do this!  And now it’s like, it doesn’t matter who puts her down for a nap because I just set her in the crib.

Alyssa:  Yeah, her body just knows it’s time.  She doesn’t fight it.  Incredible!  Yay!

Chris:  I know, it’s a game changer!

Alyssa:  And you’re feeling good?

Chris:  I’m feeling good!

Alyssa:  Your husband’s feeling good?

Chris:  Yeah, well, he got to sleep through the night for a long time.

Alyssa:  Yeah, not that it affected him too much, right?

Chris:  I was just watching him.  But I wondered this: how long do you think it takes after your baby sleeps through the night for you to feel well rested again?

Alyssa:  That’s funny because a lot of times we’ll do sleep consultations, and we’ll say, how did you sleep?  And I had one dad tell me that he heard phantom crying all night and couldn’t sleep because he was just so used to waking up.  I think their babies were 9 or 11 weeks or something.  So two months straight, you know; it’s not six months, but it’s two months.  It took them a good week or so to get back into their own groove.  So you just need to figure out your groove again.  So maybe you’re trying to stay up too late.

Chris:  I don’t know.  I do still wake up to any little noise on the monitor.  I’m like, oh, is she okay?

Alyssa:  So turn the monitor off.

Chris:  What?  You can do that?

Alyssa:  Yeah!  As soon as my daughter started sleeping through the night and was old enough that I was like, she’s so fine – monitor off.  Actually, monitor not even in my room anymore, and earplugs in.  She’s just down the hall.  If she starts crying, I’m going to hear her, but I don’t want to hear every little wakeup.  I don’t want to hear every little peep, and I still do that.  Earplugs in.

Chris:  Oh, my God.  That’s genius.  Because if she’s really crying, we can absolutely hear her.

Alyssa:  You’re going to hear her, absolutely.

Chris:  But yeah, the little rumbles in the night wake me up, and then I’m like, oh, is she okay?  And then I just watch the monitor like it’s a TV show.

Alyssa:  No, she’s good.  She’s good.  Yeah, you’re causing yourself more anxiety than you need by checking that monitor.

Chris:  Yeah.  Okay!

Alyssa:  They’re lifesavers in the beginning and especially during training because then you don’t have to get out of bed.  You can go, oh, she’s just rustling around; okay, she’s calming down; okay, she’s back asleep.  And you didn’t have to get out of bed.  But now that she’s steady and she’s got a nap schedule and she’s sleeping through the night – she’s good.

Chris:  You’re going to change my world!

Alyssa:  Go buy some earplugs when we leave!

Chris:  Yeah!

Alyssa:  Yeah, because you don’t want to wake up at every little peep.  And as a mom, it’s just that we’re always going to do that now.  Every single little noise: oh, are they okay?  Are they okay?  They’re okay.

Chris:  I love that.

Alyssa:  And my daughter is six now.  I always check in on her.  I’ll put her to bed or my husband will put her to bed, and I still, before bed, check in on her once or twice before I go to sleep because I just like that peace of mind.  I’m going to sleep now.  I’m putting my earplugs in.  I want to get a good night’s rest.  She’s okay.

Chris:  Wow.  When do you think they started making video baby monitors?

Alyssa:  I don’t know.  Good question!

Chris:  Because I often wonder, like, what did my mom do?

Alyssa:  Not that long ago.

Chris:  Not that long ago?

Alyssa:  I think it’s kind of new, like within the past decade.  Yeah, because they just had the sound ones when we were little.

Chris:  We survived!

Alyssa:  Yeah!  So what’s one tip you would give somebody about sleep training?

Chris:  Oh, my God.  Get a plan ASAP!

Alyssa:  Don’t wait?

Chris:  Don’t wait!  I honestly sometimes want to have a second kid just so I can nail it on certain things that I really struggled with this time, and one of them is sleep.  First of all, I would have gotten out of her room.  We slept in her room, a couple feet away from her, until January 1st.  She was born in June!

Alyssa:  That’s eight months!

Chris:  We slept in the same room as her for eight months!  Is that crazy?

Alyssa:  Yeah.  Well, the AAP says that you should room share for twelve months.  That’s their safe sleep guideline.  For most parents, that’s not conducive to their lifestyle.  You have to get up early for work; you have older kids.  But some people do room share for six to twelve months.  It does make sleep training a little bit more difficult because you’re hearing them and they’re hearing you.  So it’s really up to the parent.  It’s not crazy that you did it, but I think it definitely didn’t help your situation.

Chris:  Right.  Yeah, I found that we were doing exactly that.  We were both keeping each other up all night.  So when we got out of the room, that was a huge game changer, but just getting even more consistency for naps and just having a game plan instead of just all the crying for nothing.  You know, all the crying for just a hot mess and no nap.  It just feels like a waste, so then when it was, like, a few minutes of crying for a reason, it was so much easier to do because I knew it was for her good, and for my good, as well.

Alyssa:  Well, and crying just to cry does you no good.  I have clients come to me and say that they’ve tried cry it out; they’ve let her cry for two hours.  I’m like, that was for nothing.  That’s absolutely for nothing.  And that is doing your child harm and giving her unnecessary stress.  You have to have a plan, and you have to have somebody, an expert, telling you: here is the plan.  Here’s how it’s going to work.  Here’s how we execute it to get good results, because if you just try it on your own, it is all for nothing.  And it’s so hard because people give up.  Parents just want to give up.  “I tried it; didn’t work.  I give up.  I throw in the towel.  I’m just going to give in and do X, Y, and Z.” So it’s really hard.  Or people will say, oh, I did this online course.  I’m like, well, that online course doesn’t know you.  They don’t know your baby.  They don’t know your parenting style.  They don’t know what you’ve tried.  They don’t know what works and what didn’t work.  So it’s really hard.

Chris:  I downloaded, like I said, a million ebooks; did all these online courses; like, everything.  And it just, like you said, it wasn’t my baby.  I read it, and I was like, yeah, it sounds awesome to be able to do that, but my baby would never in a million years do that.  So I read all the things that I was supposed to be doing, and honestly, those just made me more anxiety because it made me feel like more of a failure.

Alyssa:  Right.  “I did it, and I’m still failing, so what is wrong?”  Or maybe that method would have worked, but they didn’t tell you how to execute it for your baby.

Chris:  Yes, or how to troubleshoot.  Like, okay, I went in and did this, and now I’m out of the room and she’s doing this – what’s next?  And when you just have a book, for me, what would be nice is to go in and grab her and breastfeed her.  Let’s get a boob in her mouth and see what happens!

Alyssa:  Well, that’s why having my one-on-one support is great because when that happens, you can text me and say, oh no!  This is not supposed to happen; what do I do?  And I can say, yes, this is supposed to happen; you did totally find; you did exactly what you needed to do.  Let’s just wait it out for five minutes.

Chris:  Yep.  The text message support over the weekend – we did that twice, right?

Alyssa:  Yeah.

Chris:  That was the 1000% game changer.  Like, I cannot even recommend that enough because those minutes when you’re feeling like you’re going to break, you know?  You’re like, oh, I don’t know what to do; I’ve got to go in there!  Instead, I would text you, and you would say, you got this!  One more minute!  Or you’d say give it ten more, and if it doesn’t work out, then go get her.  And I’d be like, okay.

Alyssa:  Or let’s try this, and if it doesn’t work again tomorrow, we’re going to think of a plan B.

Chris:  Yeah.  The text message support was the absolute game changer, and just having a human also holds you really accountable because I knew that you were going to –

Alyssa:  Yeah, I was going to text you and say, hey, what’d you do last night?  How did it go?

Chris:  Exactly, yeah.

Alyssa:  Did you move out of that room?

Chris:  Yeah, so the accountability to actually implement the things that you’re learning makes it so that you can’t back out without being a liar!

Alyssa:  Right.  I’ll know!  I’ll be checking your Instagram feed!  Make sure you’re not lying to me about this!

Chris:  But yeah, that was the biggest and best thing that we did in parenting, I think, was to figure out sleep.

Alyssa:  It’s huge.  That’s why I love it so much.  I mean, it can be detrimental to your health and your relationships to have bad sleep.  Anything else you want to say?

Chris: Definitely don’t wait to do sleep training would be what I would say!  Next time around – well, if I do a next time around – I’m going to start sleep training immediately!

Alyssa:  There are ways to start healthy sleep habits from the beginning!  It’s not sleep training; a six-week old baby can’t sleep through the night, but just helping to develop good habits.

Chris:  Yep.  Because we had no clue.  I mean, I look back at the beginning when we first got home from the hospital, and I would have her in her bassinet in the middle of the living room, middle of the day, music blaring, and I’d be like, why aren’t you going to sleep?  Just go to sleep!

Alyssa:  And now to you that seems like common sense, but when you’re in a fog and you’re sleep deprived and all you’re worried about is breastfeeding this baby and trying to get sleep, you’re not even thinking clearly enough to realize that this baby is in the middle of the room in daylight with music blaring; why won’t they sleep?  Like, it doesn’t even cross your mind that it could be an unhealthy sleep habit.

Chris:  Exactly, yeah.  So my advice is, when you are in your sleep deprived brain fog, don’t rely on your own brain!  Rely on someone else’s brain!

Alyssa:  Right.  “I’m going to do this myself, because sleep deprivation is a good place to start.”  It’s not!  Statistically, one and a half hours of lost sleep in one night, you are as impaired as a drunk driver.

Chris:  Is that for real?  One and a half hours of sleep lost in one night and you’re as impaired as a drunk driver?

Alyssa:  Mm-hmm, and we drive around our kids like this.  Yeah.

Chris: So then what is considered a full night’s sleep for an adult?

Alyssa:  Probably eight hours.  I mean, some of us need nine; some need seven.  But for you and what your body needs, if you lose an hour to two of sleep…

Chris: Wow, that’s crazy!

Alyssa:  Yeah, it’s like buzzed driving.

Chris:  Scary.  I believe it, though!

Alyssa:  I feel it.  Yeah, if I’m sleep deprived, you can feel almost your head just kind of goes into a different space.  That’s like when you’re driving and you miss your exit because you weren’t paying attention.

Chris:  Yeah, I’ve missed my own road!  Seriously, multiple times!  Or you get home and you’re like, how did I get here?

Alyssa:  Yeah, you’re in a fog!

Chris:  Good thing she’s sleeping through the night now!

Alyssa:  Awesome.  Well, thanks for joining me today!  We’ll have you on again another time to talk about your business!

Chris:  Awesome!

Alyssa:  Thanks for listening.  Remember, these moments are golden!

 

Chris’ Personal Sleep Story: Podcast Episode #73 Read More »

car seat safety

Car Seat Safety: Podcast Episode #72

Today we talk to one of Gold Coast Doulas’ Birth and Postpartum Doulas, Jamie Platt.  She is a Certified Car Seat Technician and gives parents some helpful tips about what’s safe and what isn’t.  You can listen to this complete podcast episode on iTunes or SoundCloud

Alyssa:  Hi, and welcome to another episode of Ask the Doulas.  I am your host, Alyssa Veneklase.  I am co-owner and postpartum doula at Gold Coast, and we are talking to Jamie today.  She is a postpartum doula with us, as well.  Hi, Jamie.

Jamie:  Hi.

Alyssa:  And you’re also a certified passenger safety technician, and you’ve started offering car seat checks in clients’ homes?

Jamie:  Correct!

Alyssa:  Tell me; what is a car seat tech?

Jamie:  So with these services, I would come to the comfort of your home and do a car seat check with you at your house, and this would involve making sure that the car seat is in the safest place in the car that you have.  There’s a lot of details about that in your car manufacturer book that you may not know about.

Alyssa:  Many of us don’t read that kind of stuff.

Jamie:  Correct.

Alyssa:  We just say, oh, it doesn’t fit in the middle; let’s throw it in the side.  But you actually know that you have to look at the manual for each car?

Jamie:  Yeah, there’s the car manual that you need to look at as well as the car seat manual.  We have a large book called the latch book, if you know about the latch system.  You can use lower anchors to put your car seat in versus a seatbelt, and there’s a lot of different rules and regulations that come with that, depending on what car you have as well.  So there’s quite the thought process that goes into that.  We can talk about choosing the right car seat for your child.  If you are thinking about moving from just your rear-facing infant seat to a convertible seat, we can talk about the differences between rear-facing and forward-facing and when is a good time to switch.  Recalls and expiration dates for your car seat; you may not know that a certain part of your car seat was recalled.  You may hear about in the news where a car seat is recalled, but oftentimes, there’s just a little part on the car seat that may have been recalled that you don’t hear about, and so it’s just a matter of quickly getting ahold of the manufacturer, and they can send you that replacement part.  So we can also talk about the latch system versus using the seatbelt.  A common myth is that you can use both; you can use the latch part and the seatbelt part and that’s the safest, but that’s not true.  So I’ll go over all that information.  Making sure your car seat is tight enough in your car that it’s not wiggling around too much; making sure it’s level and the angle is correct; that’s very important if you have an infant.  And most importantly, after I teach you all these things, you get to install the car seat, and I help you every step of the way.  It’s very important that you know how to put your car seats in correctly, especially if you have more than one vehicle and you need to switch them, like if grandparents help out.  And I can install the car seat for you, no problem, but I really want you to know how to do it, so there’s the education piece so that you will feel confident that your child is safe in their car seat if you do have to move it to a different car.  And then we’ll also talk about accessories that you can use with the car seat; what’s appropriate; what’s appropriate clothing to wear.  For example, you’re not supposed to wear winter coats when it’s cold out, so I can educate you about the reasons why you’re not supposed to wear bulky clothing in a car seat.  How to clean your car seat; there are specific ways that you should be cleaning your car seat, as well.  And then how to properly dispose of them because you never want to just throw your car seat in the trash.  So there’s protocols and proper ways of disposing of it as well.  So I will go over all of this information with you in detail at your home whenever the best date and time works out for your family.

Alyssa:  That’s really awesome.  I know that when we were transferring car seats around with my daughter, it’s one of the scariest things, because my husband always put the car seat in for us, and the first time I had to do it myself, I was so fearful to drive with her because I’m like, I don’t know if this is in right.  Is it tight enough?  Is it straight?  Is it crooked?  Is it supposed to be over here?  And I just did the best I could and drove home and then had him fix it when I got home.  But it’s really scary.  Had I had a professional show me how to do it, I could have just done it with confidence, right?

Jamie:  Correct, and depending on what research you look at — there’s various statistics — but it’s somewhere in between 70 to 95% of car seats are not installed correctly.  That could just be one minor little thing; it could be a multitude of things, but it’s very common, and so I want people to know that it’s okay to reach out.  Before I became a technician, I did a lot of things wrong, and I didn’t know I did these things wrong until I became certified and took the class.  And so this is totally judgment-free.  I’ve worked at car seat events through Helen Devos Children’s Hospital, and we have had people come in where their child is not even strapped in the car seat, and the car seat’s not buckled down, either.  So this is a free-range child in the car.  So I’ve seen a lot of different things, and my goal is always to make sure that your child is safer when they leave than when you first came and saw me.  So anything that I can do to help, I would love to make your child safer.  Just know that even if you are making a few mistakes, it’s okay, and I will be happy to show you how to do things correctly.

Alyssa:  I think a big part, too, is graduating to the next seat.  That’s always a fear for parents.  I know that we probably moved our daughter a little too soon, but I just actually had a client ask today, you know, I think I’m supposed to keep my son rear-facing until two, but he’s 35 pounds and tall enough; can I switch him?  He definitely looks big enough, so what would you say if someone is one and a half and meets all the other requirements, but the guidelines say you should probably have them rear-facing until they’re two?

Jamie:  So guidelines are just that; they’re guidelines.  And there’s guidelines to everything in life.  So the important thing to remember is what is going to keep my child safest.  So in Michigan you may have heard, well, I can switch my child from rear-facing to forward-facing when they’re two, and yes, you can do that, but is it the safest?  Is it what’s best for your child?  Maybe not.  Your child is five times safer rear-facing than they are forward-facing, and there’s a lot of different reasons why that is, but you should know that rear-facing is definitely best.  It’s your decision what you want to do as a parent, but if you look at your car seat, there’s stickers on the side, and it lists the maximum height and maximum weight.  Once your child reaches one of those, then you can flip it the other way, and you should change it to forward-facing because your child has maxed out of what is safe.  The guidelines for your car seat are what have been tested in a crash, so if your child is over that weight limit, he is technically no longer safe and should switch over.

Alyssa:  Okay, so even if they’re before two, if they’re either reached the height maximum or the weight maximum, it’s time to switch?

Jamie:  Some kids are just too tall for car seats.

Alyssa:  And if they’re tall, but what if it’s a super tall, little, skinny thing?  Even though the height is maxed out, they still need to switch even though they may be really low on the weight?

Jamie:  Correct, because you can be too tall for a car seat, and that’s not safe either.  There should be an inch between the top of your car seat and your child’s head, and that’s what safest.  So if your child is above that inch and is creeping up towards the top of your car seat; well, his head is no longer protected in the proper way that it should be.

Alyssa:  Well, that’s an easy guideline, I think.

Jamie: Correct.  So as long as you’re making sure that you’re following those guidelines that are on the car seat, your child will be safe.  But my daughter is almost three and a half, and she is still rear-facing, and that is because she hasn’t reached the weight or the height limit yet, and I know it’s safer for her to be that way.  Parents think that, oh, their legs are too long, and they’re hitting the back of the car seat, and they’re so uncomfortable.  What happens in an accident?  They’re going to break their leg; that type of thing.  Those are very good concerns that a parent brings up.  However, research has shown that it’s very unlikely that your child will actually break a leg rear-facing in a crash, and it’s more important, as well, that their head and their spine are protected, more so than a leg.  You can recover from a leg injury.  Head injuries and neck injuries are much more serious.  So that’s another thing to consider is your child can crisscross their legs; they can actually hang them off to the side.  They are okay with their legs looking funny or cramped up sometimes.  They will adjust.

Alyssa:  So let’s say the child has turned two, but they haven’t reached those maximums.  That’s where you’re at?  She’s well beyond the two years, but she hasn’t reached the height and the weight maximums, so she can stay rear-facing until she reaches those?

Jamie:  Correct.  Once she reaches the height or the weight, I will turn her around.  One thing that’s really important, and one of the reasons why you should have your car seat checked, is there are changes that you can make to your car seat once you switch from rear-facing to forward-facing.  Sometimes, you car seat may have a bar that helps angle it.  That needs to be switched.  The car seat straps are also placed differently from rear-facing to forward-facing; where they fit on the child is different.  So there are many reasons why you should get your car seat checked by a technician when you do make that switch from rear-facing to forward-facing.  There’s several different things that you change when you make that transition.  Sometimes, your car seat may have a bar at the bottom that you need to switch and put up so that angle no longer exists.  The straps that harness your child in have to be placed differently when you make that transition.  And the other big change is where your seatbelt strap goes in the back of the seat.  There’s a different spot for it when your forward-face, and there’s a different spot for it when you rear-face, and a lot of parents don’t realize it.  There’s these small little changes that do make a huge difference if you were in a crash.  I’ve personally seen a car seat that had the seat belt placed in the wrong hole when they went to install the car seat, and it ended up breaking the car seat when it was involved in an accident, and the child was injured.  And so something that seems very insignificant can make a big difference when you do get into a crash, so it’s very important that you just have someone that’s knowledgeable, that’s been trained and certified, to look at your car seat and just make sure that everything looks great.

Alyssa:  I’m already thinking that right now, I need to get my parents over here to have you check the car seat in their car, and then probably mine, too.  Yeah, I think this is critical information for new parents.  And then, obviously, you could help new parents with newborn car seats before they even go to the hospital so that everything is installed and safe and ready to go, and there’s no fear there when they’re bringing baby home for the first time.

Jamie:  Definitely.  Even if your child has not been born yet, I’ll be happy to make sure that your car seat that you may have purchased already is a good fit for your car, that it’s placed in a proper position.

Alyssa:  And have grandparents come over, too, and watch and have them help install it in their car, too.

Jamie:  Definitely.  Everyone who wants to learn is more than welcome to come.

Alyssa:  Well, that’s amazing, and I’m so excited that we are offering this service.  If you have any questions for Jamie, email us at info@goldcoastdoulas.com.  You can also find us on Facebook and Instagram.  Remember, these moments are golden.

Photo courtesy of Walmart.

 

Car Seat Safety: Podcast Episode #72 Read More »